In a fog

[Marty2121]

Hello...My beloved husband of 30 years, went to Heaven on 5/27/14 and I can't stand the pain in my heart!!  My Chuck was a grand man, husband, and father to our only son.  I've been trying to find a local support group in my area, but have not been successful, so here I am hoping that I'm not the only one crying 24-7 and losing my mind.  Chuck was only 50 when cancer took his life.  We had plans for our retirement...this is NOT the way it was supposed to end!!  I'm surrounded by friends and yet I feel like I'm the loneliest woman on the planet. I despise the weekends, and everyday for that matter.  Really...what is the point!?  Our son is 27 and lives in another state and I know people tell me I have to live for him, but there are days when I literally cannot breathe, and it SUPPOSED to get better!!!???  When??

[sim-law]

Oh Marty,

My heart goes out to you, I lost my soul mate to cancer and I feel exactly as you do.

You are even newer at this terrible experience than I am, so I will leave it to others to tell you if it gets better. Just know that you are not alone with your pain.

I can't find a support group in my area either but I do see a psychologist although I will not be able to afford that for much longer.

 

Kind healing thoughts

 

Simon 

[Marty2121]

Thank you Simon.....my heart goes out to you as well.  This really really stinks doesn't it!?  Is the psychologist helping?  I also am considering going that route because quite honestly, it's not getting any better.  I miss my Chuck terribly as I sit alone on a Saturday night.  People say to get out of the house and do something.  Really, like what!?  Because we use to do everything together.  I LOVED being around him and he felt the same way about me.  We only dated 4 months and then got married and it was so much fun all the time.  Sure we had our occasional disagreements, but we never lost respect nor love for one another and always found a way to laugh about our immaturity later.  I even had a lady tell me that maybe if I wore some makeup it will help me feel better!!!  I didn't know whether to laugh or smack her!  People mean well, but unless you've been in our shoes there is absolutely no way you can understand.  I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer and as painful as that was, because I loved her dearly, it doesn't even come close to the pain I'm feeling right now. 

 

What kind of cancer did your wife have?  If I may ask.  My husband had kidney cancer.  From one day to the next our lives were turned upside down.  He fought hard for 14 months but at the end I begged God to take him, and yet I would give anything just for another hug, kiss, dance, smile, laugh, touch, etc.

 

Marty

[sim-law]

Hi Marty,

It does stink, I never realized just how bad this could be.

 

I am not sure if the Psychologist is helping apart from advising on medication, I take Zoloft and Xanax. I think from a support point of view if your local church has an outreach ministry, that has trained ministers,  that may be just as good and will not cost so much.

 

As you say people mean well but most have no idea what we are going through, the best ones just try to support you without making any "helpful" suggestions. At least being on this group everyone understands your pain and I believe it helps to write down your feelings.

 

My wife had metastatic breast cancer that was only diagnosed in January, I think that her other problems CFS/Fibromyalgia were masking the symptoms of the cancer. She had a lumpectomy 4 years ago and that was stage one, according to my research 5 year survival rate for this is 100% so a recurrence was not expected and she got checked regularly. She was getting chemo but then got pneumonia and was too weak to fight it physically although mentally she never gave up as she was a fighter. My only consolation is that she did not have to suffer for a long time unlike your poor loved one but the suddenness of her death has left me in shock. I have CFS also so I am unable to get out very often so I just sit here and have too much time to think.

 

I suppose we must just keep going and hope for better times.

 

Best wishes

Simon 

[Marty2121]

Hi Simon,

 

Our church does have a bereavement ministry, but I'm not sure if they're trained or not.  I am very involved in my church so I'm not sure I would feel comfortable sharing my intimate thoughts and feelings.  I don't know...maybe I'll change my mind.

 

Today is a hard day for me because I feel so badly for our son.  Father's day was special with us because Chuck was such an awesome father that we always made sure that on his day, it was all about him.  I was going through some pictures last night and almost every picture of him he's holding our son.  He loved being a dad!! Our son was the only boy on his side of the family so he will carry the last name should he have a son.

 

It does help to write down our pain.  My husband also had metastatic cancer.  He had numerous lesions in both lungs when he was diagnosed.  I immediately starting researching online about kidney cancer and in a way, the grieving started last year.  Although I knew the outcome, I thought I would at least have a minimum of 2-3 years!!  Unlike your brave wife, my husband could not handle the diagnosis at all.  He fell into a very deep depression until I asked the doctor for some Zoloft which did help him tremendously. 

 

I'm sorry you can't get out much, but Simon it doesn't matter where you're at, you'll always be thinking of your beloved wife.  When I go to the store, post office, or anywhere else I'm looking around for someone who looks like my Chuck thinking....maybe he didn't die and he's going to say, "SURPRISE!!" 

 

I guess we have no choice but to go on right.  I cried with my sister this morning and that helped a little.  I get up early and start cleaning.  I'm sure I have the cleanest house on the block by now!  The only problem with that is by 10:00...I'm done and have a whole day to sit and be sad.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm torturing myself by listening to his music or looking at his pictures, but I so desperately want to be with him I can't stand it.  I had a few drinks last night too....not too sure if that helped or made it worse.   I'm still not back to work because quite honestly I don't think I can function.  Plus I work in a very toxic environment and if my boss says something stupid, I might hit him! 

 

Here's hoping we have a better week!

 

Marty

[rlsmith]

Hello Marty,

    I am sorry for your loss. Your husband seemed like a great person. I lost my wife to colon cancer on Valentines day this year. She was only 52. She was diagnosed on Oct. 22, 2012. She had a long hard battle for 16 months before it became to much for her. Yesterday was 4 months she has been gone. In some ways it gets easier, in some ways it stays the same. She was my best friend, soul mate, the love of my life. She was my life. Now I feel empty and alone. I wish I could say in a few months you will get over it. Unfortunately I don't think you ever get over it. I do have more good moments than the first couple of months. When I am out doing stuff or at work or with friends I am ok. But its when I come home to our house and all alone is the hardest. I still have my moments of deep despair. But deep down inside I know I will make it. I know you will also make it in time. Time is the key. Your loss is so fresh that right now all you feel is pain. Which is normal. It will get better. Slowly but surely you will find a reason to go on. I know your husband would want that for you. Just like I know my wife would want it for me. Do what you have to do to get through this. Cry, get angry. Whatever you need to ease the pain. My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. To be honest, it sucks!  But that is the cards we are dealt. We just have to make the best of it and go on one day at a time.

[Shattered14]

Hello,

First, my sincere condolences to each of you on your terrible losses. I too have lost the love of my life, my precious Michael. Reading your posts feels like I am reading my own thoughts. He died from a massive stroke brought on by undiagnosed leukemia. I never saw it coming. We never knew he was sick and then suddenly he was gone 4 months before our wedding. He was only 50 years old. I truly know the depth of your despair because I feel the same. Life has become meaningless to me and all I really want is to be with him. People dont have a clue what this feels like unless they have experienced this type of loss and loved the person in the same unconditional and complete way we loved our spouses. Michael and I were married in our hearts. I dont need a piece of paper to validate that. I find people say stupid things sometimes and I find them hurtful but I also think we need to find a way to forgive some people because I really think they are ignorant and arent necessarily trying to be hurtful. I go to grief counseling also. It helps only to a point. It gives me a safe place to let out so much emotion but it does not ease the pain. It does help to know that there are others out there who can understand how overwhelming the loss and emptiness feels, how pointless and meaningless life feels to me now. I feel like I am just going through the motions. Nothing brings me any peace and certainly not any joy. Michael was my whole world, my soul mate. I feel all the best of me and life itself died with him. I have spoken with other widows, and they all say it gets a little easier with time. That time comes at a different point for everyone as each of us grieves in our own way and our own time. This loss has made me question myself, my faith and everyone and everything in my life. I feel like I am searching for answers that I will never find. Im trying so hard to hold onto faith in God because that is my only possible to ever see Michael again. I will love him for eternity. That I am sure. I hope that each of you finds peace in time. I could really use some friends to talk to that can understand me and what I am going through. I am hoping to find that here. Hugs to all of you.

[Marty2121]

So sorry for your loss as well rlsmith.  I know I have to work at moving forward, but he's on my mind 24-7!  I had gone 2 days without shedding a tear and last night and today the water works came on with vengeance.  I feel like I'm dead and just going through the motions because I'm still physically here.  Life really does suck without my Chuck.  I know it's still very recent and I do know that within time, there will be a calmness to this insanity, but my heart doesn't understand that yet.

 

Best wishes,

Marty

[Marty2121]

Dear Shattered,

 

If I didn't know better, I would say you are describing my life right now!!  That is exactly how I feel, and quite frankly I'm afraid of feeling this way.  I've always been a very strong person (or at least I thought I was), but no matter how strong your are, or how many friends and family surround you, you are still lonely.  I'm blessed with a lot of friends that are just waiting for me to reach out to them, but I just don't want to right now.  Chuck's brother and wife wanted to come over today, but that just reminds me of my Chuck and the fact that he's no longer with me.  I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but how can I do the things he and I use to do together??  I feel like only 1/2 of me is present.  I don't know, I just told them that I need this time to grieve, and yes, maybe feel sorry for myself.  After all, this is a heartbreaking, devastating time in my life and if you haven't been through this, then you have no way of knowing how I feel.  People mean well, I really believe that, but they just don't know what to say or how to make you smile.  If I could just tell them to stop trying and just sit and listen to my beautiful stories over and over again so that I can cry/laugh and get it off my chest if only for 1 hour at a time.  Taking me to lunch is NOT going to help, neither is inviting me to a gathering at your house where I have to pretend to be happy when all I want to do is go to my husband in my thoughts.  I know what you mean about questioning your faith.  I feel right now that my faith is blinded by my overwhelming grief, although I know that if I have any chance at all of making it through this, I must turn to God who only He can console my despair.  In a weird(for lack of a better word) way, it helps to know that I'm not the only one suffering to this magnitude as there are days that I really do wonder if I'm ever going to be "normal" again!

 

(HUG)

Marty

[Shattered14]

Dear Marty,

I know what you mean. I have had loss in my life before and have found a way to be strong, accept it and move forward. But losing Michael is completely different. He was everything to me, and I am a complete mess. I cant get myself together. It scares me too because I have had very dark thoughts that I have never had before. I just want to be with him. I too have friends and family who I believe mean well but what they dont understand is that their lives have not been changed in the same way as mine has. They still have their spouses so, while they may feel loss, it is not the same as mine. I can be with 1000 people and I am still alone. They keep wanting me to be a part of gatherings but they dont understand how it can make me feel worse because all the couples are there and then there is me. That coupled with feeling like everyone is watching my reactions to everything is just too much. I know that I have been forever changed by the loss of Michael. Life will never be the same. I am just hoping that maybe someday I will find some way to cope better.

[Marty2121]

It's very different indeed!!  I find myself always looking for someone who looks like him at the grocery store, or anywhere I go.  The pain is unbearable.  We have to believe it will get a tad easier with each day...we just have to. 

 

People tell me that I should go back to work so that it'll take my mind off of things.  If only that was the answer I'd work 3 jobs!!  3 of my friends texted me today to ask what I was doing, I wanted to say, "besides cry?". 

 

They say, "think of all the beautiful memories you two had together".  No, that makes it worse because it reiterates the fact that HE'S GONE!!!!  Sometimes it helps to remember how I begged God to take him the night before He actually did.  He was having back to back convulsions and it was horrific to witness.

 

Shattered14....let's get through today ok?

 

Marty 

[HeyJude]

Hey ladies and gents -

 

I made a terrible mistake yesterday of watching What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams.  My mom watched it with me and she didn't get it at all, me I sat there sobbing through the hole thing.

 

Anyway...I'm 1 1/2 yrs into this living hell.  Marty - I still think that my husband didn't really die and that he is going to pop in the door, in perfect health, and yell "Surprise!!!"  I can be driving down the road and a 91 Chevy will be on the road with me and my heart jumps up into my mouth because I totally expect to look over and see him at the wheel.  I look for him everywhere, in life and in death.  I can't understand how come so many people have visits from their deceased loved one and my Jerry, who was suppose to have loved me more than life itself, won't come to me??  I have dug around like crazy trying to find a long lost voice mail so I can just hear his voice one more time.  He used to draw this silly cartoon bird all the time and you know, I never saved a picture which blows me away, but I've been tearing apart things at home looking for a picture that maybe got put somewhere??

 

Yeah...they say it gets better.  When???  If I didn't have my job I'd be totally crazy by now.  This is the ONLY thing that has kept me sane.  Oh...and my dogs.  And my cat who sometimes I think is my husband come back.  My cat loves me more than he should..lol!!  I am 57 1/2, I have no friends, family is all far away except for my 85 yr old mother who lives with me.  I'm just buying time until it is my time to go.  I have good days and bad days.  Right now I'm stuck in a bad spot and can't seem to get out.  They say the second year is harder than the first and it seems to be.

 

I don't want to discourage any of you, that is not my intention.  You are all fresh in the troughs of grief.  Be glad right now for the numbness, the fog, because it is going to lift and then you have to deal with the reality of it all.

 

There is a program out there - Grief Share.  You can order the tapes if you can't find it locally where you are.  They are pretty good.  www.griefshare.org I believe is the website.  Stick around here, I'm usually way more supportive than I am right now.  There are a lot of really great folks here who are in the same boat.

[Shattered14]

I can understand so much what each of you are saying.  Like I said, it is like reading my own thoughts.  I too wonder why I don't get a visit from Michael.  No one could possibly have loved him more than me.  I love him with everything I am and yet I don't feel him with me at all.  I want so much to know that he is actually still around me somehow.  I too sometimes question if I will get through this at all; and, if I do, what amount of sanity will I have left.  I have found through this that you find out who your real friends are.  Unfortunately, sometimes you see family different than you thought as well.  It can be very disappointing to say the least.  I have to fight my own tendency to shut out the world if you know what I mean.  It is hard to be around people like I mentioned because they don't really understand and their lives really haven't changed.  Mine has been destroyed.  So it is hard to talk about anything meaningful and I can't stand just exchanging pleasantries and pretending to be what they want.  I am miserable.  That is all I am right now.  I have gone back to work out of necessity.  It is difficult but then everything is difficult and meaningless now.  I am hoping that maybe in some small way I can find a better way to handle it.  I can't think ahead.  It is too painful to think of life without him, and I hope its not too long.  So I just try to focus on today.  Sometimes this hour or minute.  So I made it through today.  The night will be long and lonely,   I hope I find a way to have faith because that is really all I have that will hopefully bring Michael and I back together again some day.  Peace to all of you tonight.  Hugs to all.

[Marty2121]

Shattered you must know that your beloved Michael is with you.  Sometimes we are so blinded by our grief that we can "see" anything.  The first time my Chuck came to me, it took several hours before I realized it was him that was with me.  That made me so happy at least for an hour or so.

 

I can so relate to everything you say.  I just sobbed AGAIN with my best friend.  I end up apologizing for burdening her over and over, but she graciously tells me that she loves hearing stories about Chuck and I.  Find yourself that one person to confide in and vent to, I find that it helps for a while. 

 

I told myself to day that I must force myself to try and get better because I can't imagine life being this way for years to come!!!  I literally felt pressure around my heart today!  I breathe him 24-7.  We all do what we can do TRY and make it through the day and somehow we do.  I get up in the morning just waiting for bedtime.  I'm heart broken beyond belief, and yet what can I do to bring him back....nothing.  I think that's when the anger kicks in.  I actually told my friend today that I wished it had been his brother instead!!  How wrong was that!?!

 

I'm glad you made it through the day.  I myself will go walking with my headphones on listening to his music.  The exercise helps me to sleep at night even though I hate to exercise.

 

Peace to you Shattered and all of us going through this horrific nightmare.

 

Marty

[Shattered14]

Marty,

 

I so desperately want to believe Michael is still with me but I'm struggling.  You mentioned that Chuck has already come to you.   It has been 4 months since Michael died, and I can't feel him.  I get very upset about it and then my mind goes to more bad dark thoughts.  I cant understand why he hasn't come to me when he knew how deeply, completely and unconditionally I love him.  I am so very much in love with him.  That doesn't change because he died.  I feel very alone and, to be honest, I feel left behind. 

 

I understand when you say that you can't imagine being like this for years to come.  Me either but at the same time I can't see any end to it.  He is gone.  He's never coming back.  I am married to him in my heart, and he is no longer here.  What do I do?  I'm told to find a new normal.  Find a way to be happy.  How do you do that when the one person you loved most in the world, the one person who made you truly happy is gone and is never coming back?!!  I have absolutely no clue.

 

I understand what you said about your husband's brother, and you didn't really mean it.  It is just the anger.  I have it too.  I can't stand to hear anyone else talk about their husbands, their lives because quite frankly I'm jealous.  My life is over.  Michael is gone.  I can't see any future for me without him.  Just wasting time.   There are terrible people in this life that are mean, vicious and do awful things.  They get to live and do whatever they want.  I know people who have it all and appreciate none of it.  They argue, criticize, fight and complain all the time and yet they get to be with their spouse for years and years.  Michael and I weren't like that.  We truly loved and appreciated each other, and our time together has been ended.  I just don't get it.  I don't understand why, and I can't come to terms with it.

 

I have made it through another day.  Now again comes the night.....very long, very dark and very lonely.

 

Thanks for listening.  I wish you a peaceful night.

 

Erica

[Marty2121]

Hi Shattered,

 

Is there maybe something Michael wants you to do for him so he can rest and come to you?  He will come to you...I just know it. 

 

Of course we don't stop loving them because they died...it almost seems like we adore them even more because we want them back so desperately!  We can't try to be happy, we can only try to move forward.  I had a horrible weekend and decided to get drunk on Sunday and look at his pictures for 6 hours!!! Did it help, it did for that day.  No, I'm definitely not advocating alcohol to numb the pain, but for ME it did if only for 6 hours.  We have to do whatever feels necessary to get through the day in OUR own way.  People mean well, but unless you've walked in our shoes you have no idea the pain we feel.  I'd love to be able to make myself happy....HOW??  Monday I cried all day and in the evening with a friend.  Today I had lunch with a friend which was nice.  I'm very selective of who I see right now because they'll have to listen to how perfect Chuck was and our beautiful life together and smile politely!  Do you have a person that you can talk to like that?  Doesn't have to be many, preferable just one.  I do find that it does help a tad.  I've also starting walking every evening.  I put my earplugs in and listen to HIS favorite music and dream about our beautiful life.  I know that he would not want me to spend a lot of time crying over him, and I bet anything that Michael would hate to see you so sad and devastated.  I know...easier said than done.  But you're right...they're not coming back and we're stuck in this life without them.  What do we do??  We do what we need to do to make it through the day.  I must believe that someday it won't hurt as bad?

 

Last night I had a dream of my boss who is desperate for me to go back to work, and she's been trying (in her "nice" way) to get me back.  Well in my dream she was once again convincing me to go back by showing me how much fun they were having at work and how she thought it might help me.  Let me back up...I work for a husband and wife team that hate each other and have made a very toxic environment for their employees.  When Chuck was ill, I had no choice but to stay, but even as much as my co-workers miss me, they tell me to run and not look back!  Anyway, in the midst of my dream I hear Chuck tell me, "I will forever be in your heart and will always love you".  I didn't see him, I just heard his voice.  I immediately woke up and I felt that he was telling me that no matter what I decide to do in the future, he will be with me.  I decided that I cannot go on living like this...it's way too hard.  I'm going to FORCE myself to survive each day, will you do it with me?  We can check on each other's progress.  Maybe you'll think of something that will be helpful to me!

 

People have told me that I torture myself by looking at his pictures all the time...too bad, it helps me!  Again, right now it's about you and I trying to survive daily so we have to do what works right.

 

I asked my friend the same question today about, why not the rapist, child molesters, why my Chuck...a grand man.  My only conclusion is that God takes the perfect ones, because after all...you have to be perfect to be in Heaven.  Try not to be angry with other couples..it's not their fault.  Again, easier said than done, but it only stings that much more.  Remember the beautiful relationship you and Michael had...how blessed are you to have had that.  That's what I keep telling myself.

 

Won't you try with me?  Hugs to you my cyber friend.

 

Marty

[Shattered14]

Dear Marty,

 

I don't know of anything Michael would want me to do.  I pray he is happy and at peace.  I so desperately need him to come to me so I hope you're right and that he eventually does.

 

I go to individual and group grief counseling.  It helps some because it gives me a place to let out a lot of thoughts and emotions without judgment.  I have become friends with one of the widows in the group, and she has become someone that listens to me when my emotions are out of control.  It helps because I know she understands the depth of my pain.  While our losses are not exactly the same, they are similar so that we can understand how each other feels. 

 

I am back to work out of necessity.  I guess it is helpful in a small way because it forces me to get out of bed.  Sometimes getting up, brushing my teeth and combing my hair is too much.  Having to go to work forces me to try.  The message you received from Chuck is amazing.  I'm so glad you received it, and I can only imagine how incredible it made you feel.   I need that from Michael.  I hope some day I receive a message too.  I also have pictures of Michael everywhere.  I'm sure some people would think it was too much but, quite frankly, I don't care what they think.  I need them.  I need to look at his face and remember even though it hurts more than anything has ever hurt me before. 

 

I know that Michael is in Heaven and Chuck is too.  I have to admit though that I am angry at everything and everyone because he is gone.  I'm angry at the world, at God, at myself.  So many questions and no answers.  I can't understand why Michael had to go, and I know I will never know that answer.  I need to try my best here so that some day I may be reunited with him.  I need to believe that or I will never make it through this.  I do try to focus on the love that Michael and I had but, just like everything else, it hurts because he is gone.  

 

Thank you so much for listening and understanding.  We made it through another day.  Peace and hugs to you.

 

Erica

[Marty2121]

Thank you for signing Erica, and not shattered....it's a start   Nice to meet you Erica.  And yes...we made it through another day!!  You sound a tad better.  I myself did not cry yesterday!! 

 

I'm glad you're talking with people.  I'm having lunch today with a friend who has a friend who's husband died 14 years ago to leukemia.  I'm desperate to hear her journey, although I've come to realize that we are ALL different even if we're suffering the same pain. 

 

It's ok to be angry, but please don't let it consume you because you will become bitter very quickly and I know that's not what Michael would have wanted for you.  I don't know why our guys had to leave us other than I know God only takes those that are perfect...and they were!! 

 

There is a greater plan for you and I and we just need to be patient and kind to ourselves.  And you put out 100 pictures if that's what helps YOU.  I have one on the fridge that I kiss every morning and say, "good morning my love".  I know he can hear me.

 

Crazy thing happened to me the other night.  After I came home from my walk I hit the garage door button and walked inside without realizing that the garage door had only closed 1/2 way!!!  I didn't realize until the morning when I went to turn off the porch light!!  Plus, I don't ever (I do now) close the door from the garage to my inside laundry room.  But you know what....I know my guardian angel, a.k.a. Chuck, was standing watch out front all night long.  As you must also know that your Michael accompanies you everywhere you go that's why you make it to your destination and back home safely!

 

I don't think we'll every understand why our dreams were cut short, but we have to believe there is a greater plan for us, we just have to.  I asked God yesterday to allow me back to Him as I had strayed a bit during this ordeal.  I felt a little peace.  I also know that our guys are pain free and who knows....maybe they've met and have brought us to chat together.  I know our hearts will never be completely mended, but perhaps if we try we can get through all of this and someday our hearts will smile again.

 

Peace to you, and I'll check on you this evening.

 

Marty

[Shattered14]

Dear Marty,

 

Today was a really bad day.  I had to go pick up my wedding dress and veil.  I am so devastated.  I have no idea how I'm supposed to live without Michael.  When I chose my dress, I was so excited for the day Michael would get to see it.  What a fool I am.  Now I have absolutely no use for it but it is all paid for and was special to me. I've decided to have it boxed and be buried in it.  What else can I really do. 

 

I have made an appointment to meet with my Pastor to see if that helps me at all.  I need to try.  Otherwise I won't make it.  This is too much for me.  I would like to think that this is all part of some master plan but I don't know.   We are taught that God loves us all but you don't do this to someone you love.  I'm so very lost.    I don't understand why, and I surely don't know how I'm supposed to keep living like this.  The love of my life is gone.   I can't see any point to life anymore.  Just a waste of time, and time filled with unbearable pain.

 

I'm glad that you stayed safe with the door open like it was.  Chuck was watching out for you.   He told you he would love you always, and there he was.  Maybe you're right that Michael is watching out too although I can't feel him with me.  I must be honest that my driving hasn't been good.  I guess its because I really just don't care anymore.  I know I have been driving very fast and somewhat reckless and yet I'm still here. 

 

I do hope Michael is happy and loved.  Chuck too.

 

Another day done.  Peace to you tonight.

 

Erica

 

 

[Marty2121]

Oh my gosh Erica, I can only imagine the pain you felt seeing your dress.  I'm so sorry. Definitely have it boxed, I feel that someday you might pass it on to someone who is in love like you and cannot afford a wedding dress.

 

A friend of mine mailed me a book that I would highly recommend you start reading it.  I do not like to read, but I didn't want to be rude so I graciously thanked her and thought...what the heck I'll read a little.  It's not like I don't have time!  The author is Max Lucado and it's titled "you'll get through this".  I got it in the mail yesterday and I'm half way through it.  It really does make sense of what and why we are going through this.  Give it a try and maybe you'll find an answer there.

 

Erica, your second paragraph could have been written by me!  I truly do understand, but I want you to know something....you DO have a point and a purpose because quite frankly YOU are helping me through my pain!!!  Is that weird?  Remember, my went to Heaven on 3 short weeks ago and yet I am starting to feel that maybe I can do this.  I hadn't seen your post from yesterday until this morning and I was getting worried.  Like I've said before, I of all people am in no condition to be giving/helping other people in my situation, yet I feel that God is asking me to be there for you and it's been YOU that has been there for me

 

My heart aches for you and for myself as well.  I do think your Pastor and faith community will help you.  Let people in your life to lift you during this horrific time as I'm sure you would want to do the same.

 

I don't know why Michael left you in the manner and nobody will ever be able to know for sure, but you must know he was hurting from something that he felt no hope for.  Try to let him rest and I bet he'll come to you...I just know he will Erica I feel it, but you need to let him go so that he can rest his weary soul.  People say that suicide is a cowardly act...I disagree.  Michael had to have been very courageous to endure the pain of leaving you and this world because he simply could not take it anymore.  And now he's in Heaven and he's in peace.  Yes...we're stuck here until our number is called, but look around you and see Michael.  As I took my daily walked and listened to Chuck's music, I saw him in the clouds, the trees moving gently in the wind, the butterfly, people who smiled at me, he was all around me and Michael is all around you, just open your eyes and heart to him...you'll see him, but you must first let him rest.  Do you know how badly I wanted to cure my love of cancer and yet couldn't?  I begged God to take him the night before he died, and yet that morning I was STILL negotiating with God.  I can choose to be angry with God and everyone around me, Lord knows it's justified, but will that bring him back? 

 

I can relate to your driving because I have to tell myself, "focus Martha, focus".  Please be careful.  I'm guessing you're young with a full life ahead of you.  I'm a young 53.  Not because I look young, but because I've always been young at heart.  Chuck would always tell me that I kept him on his toes.  He was 3 years younger than me.

 

Tell me something beautiful that Michael would tell you?  What was he like? 

 

Feel free to email me privately if you'd like Erica...it's hard to go up and down on the website!

 

Peace to you,

Marty

[Shattered14]

Marty,

From your note, it sounds like you think Michael took his own life. He didn't. He died from a massive stroke caused by undiagnosed leukemia. I was told it was a very aggressive form of leukemia that he could have had for only a few weeks. Its just insane. I had never heard of that. Michael was so strong that it is so unimaginable to think that it took his life like that. The hemorrhage was so bad that we were told he would be a vegetable if he survived surgery to remove the massive amount of blood on his brain. He died hours later.

Michael was an incredible man. He was so loving, kind, compassionate, affectionate, funny.....the list could go on and on. He made me a better person. He showed me unconditional love and made me truly happy. I know he was my soul mate. When I can think with a clear mind, I know he didnt want to leave me and would never had left if he had a choice. He always told me every day that he loved me and I miss that so very much. I miss everything...his face, smile, voice, kiss, hug, holding his hand and so much more.

I will get that book as soon as I can. Email would be better. I just need your email address. I dont know how to talk privately on this site.

Erica

[Marty2121]

Erica, please forgive me.  I had you confused with another member on this site. I'm so sorry.  Damn that cancer!!!

 

Again, your 2nd paragraph...you're describing my Chuck!!  I fell asleep last night listening to his music and looking a his pictures.  It use to make me feel sick to my stomach with pain, but last night I just kept telling him how much I love and missed him, but that I do know he's taking care of me as Michael is taking care of you

 

Email me, mendm1717@yahoo.com

 

Marty