I don't know how to be me without her

[sedward25]

I lost my mom at the end of March from a heart attack. I was present...but...it didnt help. I am on leave from my job bc I just can't manage to go back & pretend that everything is normal. At least at home, I can freely have my crying attacks that I call "moments" w/o people in my face. This pain...is so indescribable. I'm trying. I'm trying bc I have a daughter. I'm taking this time to get counseling, write, bike ride,& get my health together. I'm trying bc I don't want my moms death to be in vain. She worked her butt off to give me and my siblings a better life. I know she would want me to go on but its so hard. Hard to believe she's gone. I'm glad I ran across this site to hear other stories & pain. Its a little unsettling to hear that years pass & people still feel their parents death like it happened yesterday.

One day at a time.

[Sailormom]

I lost my mom when I was 26, I found staying busy helped me to cope. Yes I had my crying spells mornings and evenings and every special occasion. I was with my mom whe. She died, she hsd also died 3 times before snd was brought back. First time I was in high school....

I just lost my son 16 weeks ago, I missed one 1 week of work, its what I have to do to keep from sitting and crying all day. 5 weeks ago I broke my trochanter and had to have surgery. I spent 4 weeks at home and was ready to kill myself all I could think about was how much I missed my baby boy (age 25).. I cried off ando on all day and felt sorry for myself, I went back to work part time against surgeon orders, after I told him what had happened he understood and left me go part time. I am never going to feel ehole again but its a start and we have to start somewhere to find a new normal.

When you go back to work you don't have to pretend everything is normal. Cause it isnt

Your daughter deserves her mother back, you need to try and be the mother that yours was to you in honor of your mother. As a mother that is what I would want my daughter to do, we liv e for our children and grandchildren.

You will have good days and bad, and every time someone else loses their mother you will cry with them and it will hurt just like it was yesterday. But you will learn to handle it better every time it happens.

Cherish your memories .

[Sailormom]

I lost my mom when I was 26, I found staying busy helped me to cope. Yes I had my crying spells mornings and evenings and every special occasion. I was with my mom whe. She died, she hsd also died 3 times before snd was brought back. First time I was in high school....

I just lost my son 16 weeks ago, I missed one 1 week of work, its what I have to do to keep from sitting and crying all day. 5 weeks ago I broke my trochanter and had to have surgery. I spent 4 weeks at home and was ready to kill myself all I could think about was how much I missed my baby boy (age 25).. I cried off ando on all day and felt sorry for myself, I went back to work part time against surgeon orders, after I told him what had happened he understood and left me go part time. I am never going to feel ehole again but its a start and we have to start somewhere to find a new normal.

When you go back to work you don't have to pretend everything is normal. Cause it isnt

Your daughter deserves her mother back, you need to try and be the mother that yours was to you in honor of your mother. As a mother that is what I would want my daughter to do, we liv e for our children and grandchildren.

You will have good days and bad, and every time someone else loses their mother you will cry with them and it will hurt just like it was yesterday. But you will learn to handle it better every time it happens.

Cherish your memories .

[Sailormom]

When you love someone so much it always feels like yesterday.

[sedward25]

Thanks for the response sailormom. I'm sorry about your mom & son. I can't even imagine losing a child. I imagine it feels differently. I've known my mom 30 years and she was like my safety net. Although we didnt always see eye to eye, she was my mom. I based how Im supposed to be from her. A mother's love is irreplaceable. A child though...my daughter is five...I don't even want to imagine. I don't blame you for going back to work. People grieve differently. I think this works for me...at least for now, because I am slowly starting to miss it.

I don't know how we get thru the days...but we just do. Miraculously. Keep on hanging on sailormom.

[Sailormom]

You will figure out what works for you. Just keep your mind busy and maybe change up things that remind you of her that makes you sad. Later on those same things may not make you sad but bring you ppeace.

[Heartlight]

Hi sedward,

 

(and warm wishes to you, Sailormom)

 

I wanted to write to say that Sailormom is so very right when she says you don't have to pretend everything is normal.  When you do decide to go back to work, you don't have to be determined to be a certain way.  As you have been feeling, everything is different now so what will be normal for you at work is still that everything is different now.

 

One of the biggest struggles I had was I didn't understand why I couldn't regain my resiliancy.  I took some great strides in my own healing the day that I realized that I was no longer the same person and couldn't expect the same things of myself.  After that, I allowed myself the freedom to learn how this new person reacted to the world, instead of berating her for not being the same.

 

I was also touched by your statement about how unsettling it is to hear that people can still feel their parents death after years.  I can absolutely understand from the place of pain that you are in how deeply unsettling this might be.  But for myself, the truth is that if I can't have my sister or my father back with me, then I want these feelings to remain.

 

For most people, the intensity of the grief starts to change (it can take a long time for that to happen but even then, you can still recall it just as intensely, if you want) and as the intensity naturally receeds, the space that it occupied starts to fill with love for them.  Sometimes that love is bittersweet, instead of intense, but sometimes the love can be huge, full of just as intense gratitude and non-painful.

 

The pain of losing them has created all sorts of changes for me, including looking for meaning, understanding that my relationships are the most important things, learning how to experience love at a deeper level because I know - truly know - how much it matters now... and I attribute all of these changes in me to the people I lost.  So when things go right, I think of them and am grateful for the time I had with them and all they mean to me and how they're part of my success now, and when things aren't going right, I search my heart for the feeling of them supporting me, like I know they would.

 

If I didn't have access to all this, even years later, I would feel like I lost them again.  Yes, it does come with the ability to feel that intense pain sometimes but, if I can't have them, then yes, I welcome the pain and all that it has created within me, including, in my opinion, a greater capacity to love.

 

I truly do understand how frightening it can be to think that you may be feeling this years from now because no one really knows how their grief is going to evolve.  But I did want to give you a perspective to think about as you're moving through your sadness and pain.

 

Thinking of you riding your bike gave me a thought of riding through trees on a bike and it felt very healing, like a person could breathe better there.  I hope you get the chance to do this.

 

Be well for this moment on this day.  Or not :'-)

 

<3