No, don't go I need you.

[bobnivy]

I come to the site to tell my feelings, read stories from others that have similar stories and to receive any words of wisdom I can get.  I apologize for the long post.  It gets off track at the end, but that is to show my emotions right now.

         I have a fairy tale life. There are ups and down of course.  I am not rich, not poor, but have my foundation - my Mom, my husband and my children.  I lost my Dad 12 years ago and I found my new normal after a while. I still miss him. I lost my mother on Tuesday 5/13/2014 unexpectedly.  I have always been my Mom's partner. I have had to help her through language (she's Filipino) and education (she cannot read or write) barriers my whole life. She lived with me, my husband and 3 children for 8 years.  She cared/raised my children with me for 22 years.  She is my everything. It has only been a month since my Mom passed.  It was unexpected, no illness, nothing to indicate anything was wrong.  We just went Flea Marketing, gardening, celebrated Mother's Day the weekend before.  That Tuesday we went about our day, said our good mornings and when my youngest left to go to school my Mom said her last words "Sarah, you know Na-Na loves you. Bye".  I went to get her for dinner, after she would not answer to my daughters and just knew.  I knew IT happened. I am numb. I have cried, stared, slept, made small goals and accomplished them (like going to work).  I'm still cleaning my house, waking up, cooking and caring for my family.  I know that is an accomplishment. I know people say this, but when it comes to my mom passing I am TRULY at peace with the "act" and in knowing the love she had for me and she knew we loved her.  It is the effect her passing has on me while I am trying to find MY NEW NORMAL. Life always has a way to sidetrack you. When things get too much, I turn to the last brick in my foundation, my husband. He is always there for me, I don't have to worry that he wont be there, I don't even fear that he wont be. 

          Yesterday my husband was told he has to go out of town for 2 weeks for work.  I am overwhelmed, angry, scared, sad and so many things.  I told him how I feel and that I am afraid to be alone, afraid to only have myself to rely on, no foundation to fall on if I need to.  He is still going, I cant tell him to not go, right?  I feel guilty, its his job he has to go. BUT my Mom JUST died and I should not feel bad that I need him, right? I fall back on my coping skills - I'm not mad at him, not his fault......  but WAIT he should know that this would be hard on me and he should have told work no and he didn't. I'm angry again.  First angry at him, but he can't read my mind, right?  So now I am angry at myself for relying on others to be there for me, my Dad, my Mom, and my husband.  They will leave you when you need them.  My last rock is leaving me.  I'll show all them and will no longer let anyone in.  I can do this all by myself. 

         Ok well that is unreasonable - so now I am back to what I can control..... ME.  I am calmer now.   Somewhere deep down, I know its normal to have a huge range of feelings but I am scared.  I cant do this, be alone and take care of everything by myself.  I haven't been able to fill in the gaps from losing my Mom let alone picking up the other half of my family life. I am not ready to be strong.  I need my husband. I am not being clingy or unreasonable.   I accept that.  After all this... I doubt myself, I am being a big baby. 

          I welcome any words of wisdom. Am I wrong? Is this okay?  I am open to all opinions and am grateful for your replies.

         

[mellie0302]

First off, I'm very sorry for your loss.  I recently lost my father the end of Feb and I, too, felt like my husband wasn't supporting me the way he "should".  You are not wrong.  You are allowed to grieve and feel whatever you like.  I still feel disappointment in the way my husband treated me when I needed him the most.  It's frustrating, because you want your spouse to understand without you having to explain the loss of your closest parent.  Has your husband ever lost a parent?  Maybe he doesn't understand the emotions you are feeling?  I definitely sympathize with everything you said.  It's hard to feel like you have to go through this pain alone...and you shouldn't have to feel that way.  

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing a parent is so difficult.  I've come to learn that there is no right or wrong way to feel and grieve such a loss.  When my mom passed on my feelings were all over the map.  Someone told me something that really helped me a lot in those first months after her passing.  They said, "we don't get over it ... we get on with it."  I believe this to be true.  I know in my heart that I will always miss my dear sweet mom, but I also know that she would want me to continue with my life and be the best person that I can be.  Some days I have to really push myself to "get on with it" and gratefully through prayer I am given the strength.  Just go with your feelings and know that although your mom's physical presence is no longer there, she will remain in your heart forever.  Take care.

 

Cindy