Endless tears never ceasing to fall

[orunfast32]

I lost my mom two years and three months ago. I was only 18 when she died two days before my 19th birthday. She was healthy (other than being an alcoholic) and had a heart attack that killed her almost instantly. THere was no warning. No good bye. 

 

And now I am getting married. She has not even met the man that I am marrying. I wish she could see all that has happened in the last few years. I am in my last year of college now. 

 

All this to say, sometimes the grief overwhelms me. The memory of the phone call from my dad, saying 'oh, God, Olivia I tried, Im so sorry" and the confusion as I tried to figure out what he was saying. My reaction as I fell to the floor, literally unable to do anything but gasp for air. Those memories still haunt me, and give me major panic attacks when it gets too real. 

 

I wouldnt wish this on anyone...and I pray for those who have experienced deep loss as this. 

Just wanted to get it out. Thanks for listening. 

[Heartlight]

Hello orunfast, congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

 

I'm so sorry about your mom and the trauma you still can't release.  I had a very tough time too, when I received a phone call like that about my sister.  There's actually a few people on the forum who have described the same fall to our knees.  I was in a busy law office and screamed a blood curdling scream and collapsed onto the floor.  I couldn't even talk to anyone to tell them what was wrong, I just handed someone my phone while I still screamed.

 

It took me a year and a half to stop having instant recall of that memory.  What changed at a year and a half was I heard some information that made me work very hard at my grief.  As part of my "forced healing", I forced myself to not hide from that memory but instead, when it came up, let myself feel it in its entirety, but consciously and holding myself through it, until it started to have less hold on me.

 

I have come to realize that there is a trauma associated with death, for the people who are left behind.  I have learned a great deal since then but what I know about the trauma that consumes us for so long is that we have an instant and shattering shot through the psyche and anything sensory that we are experiencing can get set up in our subconscious, playing over and over again like a feedback loop.  I couldn't think of my sister for that entire year and a half without being put, instantly, back into that traumatic moment.  Re-living the traumatic moment again and again is a symptom of post-traumatic stress syndrome, although those with the full-blown syndrome have this type of stress repeatedly.

 

If circumstances had been different at the year and a half mark, I have no idea how long I would have stayed in the state I was in.  That state was very similar to what you have described and I was starting to get extremely despondent because not only was I in excruciating pain for that long, I was starting to feel like it was never going to go away.

 

So I did want you to know, yes, it's not something I would wish on anyone but, since we're all here, just know you're not alone.

 

And... look into ways to heal from post traumatic stress.  What I did, as I said, was I braced myself and allowed myself to re-live that moment, again and again (not the same night, this was a process) and lovingly held myself through the pain that I was feeling on the floor, told myself things like of course I was feeling like this and of course I know nothing and it was ok to feel like this and, basically, treated myself like I would a little girl who was in the same awful, soul-shattering moment as I was.  Again and again.  Till I didn't have to anymore.

 

The truth of that moment doesn't ever go away and I can recall it quite easily, but I don't live there anymore.

 

It doesn't matter how long it's been, when we have suffered a trauma such as this, it is understandable that it can have such a deep hold over us.  I'm glad you've shared here - sometimes verbalizing helps us to release buried pieces that need to our acknowledgement.  But please be gentle with yourself as you continue to move through this.

 

<3