Lost

[Headhunter]

I really don't know where to start except to say hello. I'm 32 yrs old and was married which would have been four yrs June 6 th but my husband took his life three months ago. He left behind two special needs little ones under age 3. Our daughter will be three in July and she has Autism. Our son is now 19 months and is 8 months delayed and has severe sensory issues also getting tested for Autism. I was abused by my husband yet I miss him very much and feel lost and worthless. I think the babies would be happier with my parents. I don't know what else to say.

[HeyJude]

I don't even know what to say except that I am so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself in this place you are in.  I have no advise.  I too was in a very abusive relationship before I got married so I know how you feel when you say you loved him.  You have to learn to love yourself first now before you can love anyone. 

 

I was just saying the other day that I wonder why it is we are hearing so much about Autism?  Back when I was a child (1960's) there wasn't such a thing.  There were very few mentally challenged children.  What in the world is going on now days that is causing this?  I don't believe it is vaccines either as we all had every vaccine under the sun and we are all fine.  I am sure it must be extremely difficult having two special needs babies.  They need you though and they wouldn't be happier with your parents.  You are "Mom" and will always be #1 to them.

 

You need to work on getting past the feeling of "lost and worthless" because no one is worthless...no one.  This is a scar from abuse.  Can you find some sort of support group for abused wives?  Just a thought.

 

Anyway, welcome to our forum here.  You will find a lot of support and encouragement here.

 

Judy

[MissingDaniel]

After I read your post, I thought about how to respond and what I should say.  But I am like Judy: I don't really have any sage advice or words of wisdom that can help you in what you are feeling.  You have been through a horrible trauma, and I am so sorry for that!  And having children that have needs above and beyond the average has got to be very difficult, and something I have never had to handle.  But I do know that you are their mother, and after losing their father, I think the thing they need most is you.  I can tell you that I have noticed a much stronger attachment in my children to me since losing their father - of course, they are older than yours, but they have compensated for him not being there by clinging to me even tighter.  I believe yours will need you more than ever right now.

 

There are so many special circumstances you are dealing with.  I do know a little about abuse as I dealt with a husband with addictions for many years, and when his addiction was at its worst, I believe his behavior bordered on abusive.  I know abuse doesn't cancel out love - but it is not typically a healthy, balanced type of love.  I do think that you would benefit from talking to other spouses who have been in abusive relationships.  I think perhaps that could help you build your self worth again, because you do need to see how important and vital YOU are.  Abuse eats away at your self worth and self confidence.

 

I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for comfort and peace for you and your precious children.  Hugs to you!