the language of death

[JennyC23]

My husband has been gone now for not quite four months. When I refer to him in the past tense it makes me feel disloyal somehow. When I refer to him in the present tense it makes me feel like an idiot. Earlier today I called him my late husband. I never realized how stupid that sounds. He isn't late, he's not coming at all! I take extreme offense to the term expired. He is not an out of date carton of milk for crying out loud! I am a writer so I tend to read too much into words. Maybe we should think of new terms do describe our lost loved ones. Those brave travelers into the great unknown. The transitioned, the ascended maybe. Will think more on it.

[HeyJude]

I like "the ascended".  That really fits, at least for me.  I still talk about my husband like he is still here.  When us ladies get together in the morning at work and chat before starting our day I will talk about things that Jerry did.  Not in a past tense sort of way either.  I don't know if I'm doing this all wrong, acting like he is still here, just away for a while?  May come back to bite me in the butt...who knows?  All I know is it helps me.

[Heartlight]

Hi JennyC and HeyJude,

 

HJ, you're not doing it wrong.  You get to do it any way you want.

 

I like the idea of changing words, JC.  To add to your pondering, I was thinking "in spirit".  I suppose it would be in how your sentence was constructed.  I would probably differentiate the different time periods... as a child, in life, in spirit.

 

Plus, ladies, I don't think there's anything wrong with calling your husbands your husbands.  My father is always my father, he is just not with me anymore.

 

<3

[sim-law]

I still refer to my wife in the present tense all the time, we do this or we like doing that or our stray cat found us. However when telling people who have not heard I always use dead or died rather than euphemisms like passed away as that is the hard reality however much I hate it.

I still come across people each day who did not know of my wife's death and it doesn't get any easier, I even try to avoid people who were only casual acquaintances so I don't have to tell them the news and inevitably some of the details that preceded it. It may be a cowardly thing to do but I like feel I am reliving her death every time I have to tell someone new.