resenting my husband's ex-girlfriend

[anicra]

My husband was in a one-vehicle crash about a week and a half ago and was declared dead at the scene. We had been together two years, married three months. We had dated briefly in the past and share a ten year old son.

This is incredibly hard for me. I hadn't let anyone get close to me for years before we got together, but we have been inseparable since then. He was coming out of a very bad relationship and was recovering from a suicide attempt, and we just latched on to each other. I had to notify his ex, they also have a child. She helped me reach pallbearers for his funeral and I opted for an open mic service so she got to speak. She thanked me profusely for the opportunity.

The funeral was a week ago today, and she and I have been texting each other, talking online. I'm starting to get inexplicably furious with her. She keeps making it a point to mention that she was with him longer than I was, and I feel like she is trying to get me to stroke her ego. I didn't want to exclude her or my stepdaughter from the service but I feel like she is overstepping her role now. Every day she has some status update about how distraught she is, and multiple people offer her condolences. I can concede that she is hurt, but she was horrible to him when he was alive. She got us evicted, had withheld visitation with his daughter for years, and told him after his suicide attempt that she wished he had cut deeper. I don't want to be mean to her but I'm finding myself more and more wanting to call her out, put her down for how she treated him, and tell her to back off. She was not a part of his life any longer by her own doing and I almost feel like she is trying to paint herself as the grieving widow. *I* was his wife, the only one he'd ever proposed to or married, and he was 40 years old.

With everything else I have going on right now mourning him I just want some perspective on how I'm feeling towards her right now. I don't want to end up hating her or lashing out and regretting it. I do want her to cut her crap and back off. She may indeed be mourning as well, but with my current attitude towards her I find myself thinking she is too heartless top even feel it.

[Heartlight]

Hi anicra, I'm so sorry about your husband

 

I have not lost a partner but I have had an experience like you are describing.  More than once, actually.  And I have noticed it in other people.

 

I have seen and experienced that when we lose someone, a common reaction seems to be the defense of our relationship with that person.  Like each person in the close circle around the person we have lost is jockeying for position of who's relationship mattered the most.  You are very intuitive to be seeing that is somewhat of what she is doing.  In fact, what I have discovered is that it is just an outward expression of our own deep desire to have our feelings and loss be validated, because we, as a society, mostly don't know how to create our own, personal validation.  As I have come to understand this phenomenon, I realize that it is natural because the impact of loss throws us all topsy-turvey and we need to figure out our own importance to that person.  Some people just don't have the skills to not demand that validation from others.

 

I understand your resentment towards her and don't be hard on yourself for having it.  It is also ok that you start to remove her from your life.  You were very wonderful to have allowed the connection that you did but your own grief and mourning is what is important now and what she is doing is obviously not going to be helpful for you.

 

A reality is that you will have no control over what she says or does, but you can control whether or not you allow it into your life.  You understand the truth and so will those close to you.  Focus on what is truly important to you now.

 

It is not wrong to be angry with her but you will never control her so it is only for you to allow that you have the right to feel this way and choose what to do next.  You graciously allowed her in and you can just as graciously let her go and, in that way, honour the strength and the spirit of your own relationship with your husband.

 

<3

[sim-law]

anicra, YOU are the grieving wife, your husband obviously loved you and wanted to marry and be with you. You can really do without this negativity at such a time as this. You were kind enough to include the ex girlfriend in the service and it would appear that it would be best to stop all further contact with her as she sounds like a bad person.

Rely on your friends/family that care for you and will give you the right support.

Best wishes at this very hard time.

[anicra]

Thank you both for your kind replies. I think you each nailed elements of the dynamics of the situation, I knew it was bothering me but couldn't put my finger on specifically why. I'm feeling a little territorial right now too, and while I'm glad we set our differences aside for the service she has never been a friend of mine, and it's really not OK for her to expect me to take care of her right now. I almost thought I was overreacting or being paranoid, thinking she was trying to hijack the situation, but it's entirely possible she isn't aware of how it's coming across.