Members nicolaslovebug Posted October 12, 2008 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 A couple of weeks ago I went to my therapist, of six months, with a few issues I had rolling around in my head. My female life partner and I lost out 22 month old baby boy in April '07 in a car accident. i have NO DOUBT that out sweet boy is in Heaven and is happy with Jesus. I was raised and still am Catholic. My relationship with the Lord has been tested by the loss of my son and I worried that I may never see my baby again because of my lifestyle. So I felt like I needed to voice my fears outloud and felt like it would be safe to do in therapy. I expresssed my fears and my therapist got out his bible and started reading quotes about how to get to Heaven and what I need to do to see my baby again. He basically told me that I do not have to break up my relationship with my girlfriend, we can still maintain a home together and raise our other children together, but we have to stop the intimate part of our relationship if we ever want to see our baby again! I was so upset and at a loss for words that i just left and cried my eyes out. i started thinking that I had to choose between my baby and my lifestyle (my relationship). I called my partner told her what happened. She was also very upset. I didnt want the therapist to actually read the bible or even answer the question about my fears. I just needed to say it outloud and be heard. He has quoted the bible before but not in a judgemental way--more of an encouraging way. Did he overstep his role or did I ask for this harsh judgement by bringing my fears up to him? I thought therapy was for talking and expressing and having someone to listen to you-not judge you! I guess he took it upon himself to act like a priest or pastor instead of just a therapist. I am at my weakest in therapy and that is why I didnt stop him when he grabbed the bible. Am I wrong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 12, 2008 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 Dear Nicolas' Mommy, Objectively speaking, I think one of the things you need to do for yourself, if you intend to not have clashing world views and beliefs/opinions of your lifestyle intervene with your therapy care, is to find a therapist that is accepting and/or like-minded in your lifestyle. Yes, the therapist crossed the line, professionally speaking IF the therapist is not advertised publicly as a Christian therapist. But it appears that maybe you are seeing a Catholic/Christian counselor--and the Degree does not morally obligate the person to separate faith-based moral issues from professional practice. (Hope that makes sense.) It truly is unreasonable for anyone to think that personal faith and world view would not at some point clash if there is not an understanding beforehand of what will and what will not be accepted--especially given that part of your therapy might contain faith-based discussion. Many times we go into relationships with medical professionals not really considering these kinds of issues. I mean, who would have thought that you would have to defend your lifestyle to your grief therapist? But here it is. And obviously it is something you are not emotionally prepared to deal with. I'm pretty sure, being Catholic and all, that you fully understand the church's view on your lifestyle and therefore can understand where this person was coming from. You may not agree with the Church, but it is the Church's standing based on biblical truths. But then as I see it, the Church stands on a lot of untruths as well, in my humble opinion. It doesn't make the pain of the experience any less, but it wasn't such a random, out of the blue response either, considering you've seen this person refer to the Bible before.You have two options as I see it. You can either continue to see this counselor and keep your discussion non-faith related, or you can seek a counselor who can treat you--all faith aside. If you are seeking faith-based counseling, you may want to consider stepping outside of traditional means of counseling and seek a pastoral care counselor with a "United Church" or an Episcopal background, as many within those denominations are accepting and tolerant of same-sex relationships. To offer such advice, I am in no way saying that I agree with the United Church or Episcopal Church or endorse their doctrines. I actually oppose a significant portion of what they say. And I can't tell you what you want to hear. Going to a counselor for agreement in what you need to believe is not a good purpose for counseling. I actually feel a bit uncomfortable in directing you to a source I would not choose for myself, But I do believe you need to talk to someone, and someone more like-minded may be of help to you. Your counselor should not make you feel weak and/or intimidated, but should encourage you and empower you to reach toward wholeness and wellness. This is not your counselor's journey. It is yours. That said, I have a lot of gay friends, and my sister-in-law is gay as well. I do not believe that anyone but God can convince her or anyone else of the path they should follow. That judgment is His alone and that relationship is between you and God. I wish you comfort and healing and I pray that you find that in whatever path you choose. My heart aches for your loss and what you are going through.... God bless! ~Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members heartbeataway Posted October 12, 2008 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 It depends on what kind of therapist you have ...... if you are going to a church, then getting out his bible might be part of the therapy given. And it might not be the right place for you. Obviously, you have different belief systems.There was a posting recently that I liked. It may or may not help you. It wasn't related to your situation but the words might help you anyway.Hope the "author" of the words will not be upset with me for sharing them outside the context for which they were mean't. You probably didn't tell the therapist that you just wanted to talk, you didn't want any response. I would pray directly to Father for his guidance.I wish you peace. My own personal thoughts are that yes, you will see your baby again.Here goes:I specifically want to say to you that I have lived for the past several years with the same kind of torturous thoughts about the spiritual fate of both my sons. Recently I was having coffee with some Christian sisters and told them about my continuing struggle of wondering about whether my sons (especially one of them, went to heaven. One sister simply looked at me and said, "None of us dies without sin", and I thought "OF COURSE!" As ~~~~~ has blessedly pointed out recently, anyone who thinks they can make that final judgment about the fate of any person does not have a grasp of the justification that God has DONE FOR US. When you think about it, if God were to make our salvation hang upon whether we died at just the right moment, when we happened to be doing everything right - not a single bad thought even running through our heads, then that would make Him a capricious, almost sadistic sort of God. The enemy loves to get us stumbling down these erroneous paths, which destroys our peace in Christ, if only temporarily ...just trust in the goodness, mercy and tender love of Jesus Christ. Let it rest in His hands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nicolaslovebug Posted October 13, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2008 Claudia,Thank you! I will take your advice and think very hard and long about it!Thanks again! Tina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nicolaslovebug Posted October 13, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2008 Heartbeataway,I am very glad you shared that with me and I hope the "author" doesn't mind either because those words are what I needed to hear. It never fails to amaze me how one or two people ,strangers even, can impact me so heavily and fully. Thank you for taking the time to write and help!Tina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nicolaslovebug Posted October 14, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 Hello All,I just need to clarify. I am NOT seeing a Catholic or religious based therapist! He is just a regular grief councelor. It has helped me by just letting it all out and writing it down here in the forum. Thank you to all who have taken the time to read my post. Special thank you to those who responded and prayed for me.Nicolas' mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mamabets Posted October 21, 2008 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 For nicolaslovebug~ My goodness!! Not only will you BOTH see your baby again, but your baby travels your journey with you, just in a different way.My advice, is to NEVER let anyone preach to your heart. Find another therapist that will encourage you and your partner to love one another, and when ready, most definately let it include any and all intimacy together. I admire you discussing this, as it is obviously an important part of the closeness that you share...Perhaps this cruel advice from one who was supposed to be there to help, not judge, will make you and your partner, together as one, closer in a way than ever before. Your baby is with you and watching out for you and your love, always... YOUR most trusted angel. Until you meet again, look and listen for the signs...They are there!!!xoxoxoLOVEmamabets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 4everjoeysmom Posted October 21, 2008 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 Hi Nicolas' Mom! I'm glad you found a connection to folks here at BI that brought you comfort. You might want to consider hanging out at BI more often if it gives you a boost with your grief journey and coping through it. There are so many wonderful hearts here that have been broken by loss, yet heightened in empathy and compassion towards one another for the sake of walking the grief and healing journey together. No one understands your loss better than another one who has lost a child.I don't necessarily agree that you shouldn't be open to someone "ministering" to your heart. In a way that is what we all do here for one another. But you certainly don't have to stand for nonobjective criticism that will only compound and complicate your grief. The folks at BI are of a lot of different belief systems and faiths, yet we try to support one another as best we can in an open and objective way, because no matter what we believe, we have the common denominator of loss that affects us and our lives. You have the opportunity to glean from what resonates with you and walk away from what does not. There are general threads that house a melting pot of life and world views, and specific faith based threads exist for those that hold to certain beliefs which is helpful for those that share the common bond of a particular faith as well. BI is a wonderful place for so many to come together and share, and not feel so alone on this terribly tough journey of life and loss. You can learn a lot and be encouraged much by experiencing your journey with others a little bit ahead of you. It can bring hope that this kind of tragedy can be survived. You can also grow to a point of reaching out to others behind you on the journey, and many of us have found that doing this is healing for our own journey. It helps us to know that we don't suffer in vain--that our suffering and what we learn through it can actually help another one who will follow in our shoes to survive. You may not be there today, but you may be surprised when one day you wake and realize that you are ready to reach out to another. The journey is a series of baby steps, taking each breath and minute one hour and day at a time, riding tidal waves of grief, surfing through the storms, and also finding hope and sunlight on the other side. It's a painful journey, but a survivable one. You can't get to the other side where the healing is until you travel through, and it's wonderful and so very helpful to know that there are many out there that are willing to walk through with us when everyone we know and love in life lets us down and cannot be there for us in the way that we need them to be. It's good to not feel alone on this terribly lonely journey.Bless you and I pray that you continue to find connection, comfort, compassion and strength for the journey and healing as you make new friends and family here. ~Claudia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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