lost my father

[Angel88Lee]

I lost my father May 18,2014.i was his caretaker and he was the love of my whole life! We talked frequently daily! When he suffered a Massive Heart Attack Jan 10,2014 widow maker it changed my life! I immediately took care of him more than ever and was by his side in and out of the hospital up to May 14,2014. Dr finally set him up to go in to a clinic and have iv fluids take out the water he kept retaining.. His kidneys started failing almost immediately after his Heart Attack.. He was left with only 15% Heart and 22% kidney function.. they would give him bumex (water pill) to help him pee and take pressure off the heart but at the same time the Bum ex water pill was damaging the kidneys.. they would take alot of fluids off send him home and within days he would swell up again and have to be admitted back into hospital.. like I said we talked frequently and daily since the day of his heart attack and I helped him with everything.. from shopping to paying his bills, cleaning his apt, doing his laundry, cooking for him and I lived clear across town and I work a ft job.. I loved helping him and being there! He was my daddy.. may 18,2014 at 5:15 I got my last call from him after being on phone all night already.. He told me his arm wouldn't stop shaking...This was normal since the put a a fib in his heart in March.. He had tremors. So I told him to go lay down, relax and to call me in a little while.. told him I loved him, he told me he loved me and we hung up. I was half asleep and fell back to sleep.. When I woke up and did my normal routine, got ready for work , grabbed me a soft drink from q trip I would call him before I got to work. I called and called and couldn't get a hold of him.. After about 30 min I called 911! I waited and waited for them to call me on his condition if he was ok.. about an hr later a cop shows up at my job and asked me to come outside.. so I did. He said, 'I'm sorry but your father Roger has passed away' I fell to my knees saying, Nooooooo!!!!! What happened? Apparently when they arrived he had front door open , screen door was locked and they seen him laying on dining room floor face down in a pool of blood! Told me he had been laying there for several hours and it was sudden and he didn't suffer long from the way the blood was only under his face! I'm so terrified! I miss him so much and I can't let him go! I cry constantly and daily! ) I don't have much faith or hope and want to know where is he, is he ok? .He was very sick but scared to die! He never wanted to leave me! He loved me more than anything in this world! How do I get thru this loss?

[Heartlight]

Oh I am so sorry

 

The first time I lost someone that close to me, I fell to my knees screaming too.  And I cried daily for months and months.

 

There really are no easy answers.  The loss of someone that important to us rips the world apart and leaves us standing on a battlefield with no understanding, no help and nothing but pain and anger and any other emotion you can think of. 

 

You have so many questions and so much raw pain, it is very understandable and expected to not know how to get through it.  It is something that everyone struggles with.  It is also difficult to predict or determine right now how you will get through it.  The only thing to do now is allow yourself to feel everything that you're feeling and when it gets to be too much, try to reach out to someone to try and find some balance.  The whole process of living after you've lost someone is exhausting, maddening, confused and full of a myriad of emotions the whole way through.

 

I was in the deepest pit of despair that I had ever known for a year and a half after my sister died but there was something that made it so I could live: she only ever wanted me to be ok.  I made an out-loud promise to her when I was first alone on that terrible, terrible day: I promised her that I would be ok.  It still took a very long time to come even close to ok and when I was laying on my livingroom floor curled in a ball hating life and feeling like my soul had split apart, I had no idea how I would reach 'ok' but I needed to (and I needed to say it out-loud just in case she could hear it where ever she was) because it was what she wanted for me.

 

I tell you this so that you know that many, many of us have no idea how we'll ever be ok again.  And it's hard, and it's painful, and it's a process and it is really important to be understanding and soft and compassionate towards yourself right now.  As you move forward, you will start to feel what you need, you will start to learn what it means to you, you will decide what you want to believe.

 

A common thing, also, is that people start to look around at their faith, or look at other peoples', trying to find answers.  Like you are doing now, it is part of the process for many people.  There are many, many stories out there that may resonate with you.  A book that helped me was by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, I'm afraid I don't have the title near me right now.  She spoke with people as they were dying and wrote about what they said and how these pure questions and answers gave her faith that there was some conscious connection after death.  It is very natural to be searching for an understanding of this life or evidence that it continues and allowing yourself the freedom to do that will help you in the long-run.

 

If you have people you trust, please reach out to them and let them help you through this time.  They may not know what to do but, I promise you, they will want to help, you just may have to teach them how.  And it's ok to say to them that you just want someone to sit next to for a while, or something that simple.

 

Be gentle with yourself and please remember to eat.  This is a terrible, terrible time and you need every bit of caretaking that you can manage to give to yourself right now.

 

<3

[Blackrock]

So sorry! I don't know if there's anything I can say to make u better. Think of your loved ones and live a meaningful and happy life for them. Think of happier memories and u know ur dad is at peace, up in heaven smiling down upon u. He loved u and u will always have him in your heart! His blood is running in ur body and he doesn't want to see u unhappy. At least u have a chance to take care of him and to say u love him and have more time with him. I don't have that chance bc my dad had sudden heart failure and by the time I got to hospital, he's already gone! We're here for u. Have faith and love always

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk