7 years and I'm still angry

[Webb2010]

Wow...Not sure where to start really.   I'm Kim and I lost my Father 7 years ago on May 14th. He was 51.

 

It seems like yesterday My Mom woke me telling me the ambulance was coming for my Dad. He was having a severe headache, sweaty, could hardly talk, and moaned. Some how my Mom and I managed to get him outside because he said he needed air. Just a little over a hour after they left in the ambulance she was calling...they needed to do Emergency surgery. He had a leaking basilar artery(the biggest artery going into your brain) and he had a ton of extra fluid on his brain due to the blood. He has a 50/50 chance of making it through the ventriculostomy to drain the fluid. He made it through, then the put a coil in to stabilize the clot that was leaking...He made it through that as well.

 

He was then taken to the ICU for neuro/trauma patients. There they had him in a medically induced coma, breathing tube, so many lines and medicine going into his body.

 

This was on Thursday May 10th 2007.   I remember being woke on that following Sat. and told to get my brother and sister and get to the hospital ASAP. I worked nights, and was trying to sleep for the next night of work but I didn't get to. The Dr. Said they couldn't get his blood pressure up high enough to open the other artery to be able to deliver the blood he needed to the brain. He said we needed to start thinking of what we would do........Mother's Day 2007, my Mom sit all 4 of us kids down and said that they had done all they could and she thought it was time we let God handle the fate.  

 

Monday at 10 am they took out the breathing tube, he was gone within the next few minutes. Gone like he just walked away and left.

 

The next few days were hard we planned a funeral, we stood there and let people tell us how sorry they were and what a great man he was....These things I knew and I was so angry.   We laid him to rest and that's when I broke....As they lowered him down I screamed and ran.....ran and ran. How could my siblings be putting dirt on their Dad, how could it be so easy for them??????

 

At work some nights, I would break down.....I would have to walk away. I was a nursing Assistant and I worked in the hospital. The night I went to help with a new patient and when I looked at the patient I cried, he was a spitting image of my Dad.

 

The following year I went to work in the unit my Dad passed away in. I was in the room he died in almost every day I worked, I walked by the waiting room that we sat in every day and some days I cried and some I didn't.

 

My Mom and Dad had been married almost 23 years....and they had 4 kids. My Mom changed and to this Day I don't think my Mother cares about me and because I was a daddies girl and well I asked a million times why it wasn't her.

 

Here I am just a little over 7 years after he passed with a wonderful husband, and two little boys. Every May I have a hard time. Every May my husband and I fight, and every May I relive that hell.

 

To beat it all Nov. 2006 I lost my Mom's Mom, Jan, 2007 I buried my Dad's Mom and then lost my Dad 4 months to day his mom passed.....7 months of HELL.

 

I get angry that my kids will never meet him, that my kids will never be held by him, that my husband doesn't understand the pain I feel because I was a daddies girl and I lost the one person who believed in me...and my hubby says "get over it".

 

I have done better since the beginning but it's still not healing. I get so angry and I don't know what to do to stop that. I have tried a lot and I'm doing better but I'm still angry. I don't have a good relationship with my Mom, and my Mom continues to belittle me.

 

She doesn't visit my kids, doesn't call....she doesn't seem to care and that angers me. I feel like I lost both of my parents and I'm angry. 

 

My dad passed from a subarachnoid hemorrhage or hemorrhagic stroke as they call it. They are nearly always fatal. He was 51....too young too young.

 

 

What are some ways to get out my anger without it being on my Husband or kids? I need a release.   

[Heartlight]

Hi there, Webb. 

 

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad and the confusion and difficult time you're having for all these years.

 

Having a difficult emotion spilling into your life with your children or husband is natural.  When we are full of something, it comes out where there is the least resistance.  And people we trust are usually the ones who feel it because our guard is let down enough to become closer to our own truth.  It is when you begin to face the difficult emotions that they start to not create unconscious reactions that you regret later.

 

Anger is a common response to having no control in a situation.  This is one of the reasons why anger is a very natural response within grief, and can come up at any time in grief - loss of our loved ones is the ultimate uncontrollable situation.

 

And it sounds like you have an added complication of the loss of your mother - I imagine frustratingly so because you cannot understand it as she is still here and could be available to you but chooses not to be.

 

The depth of these losses, of themselves and not even including any other loss, is enough to create frustration and anger in anyone so please, first, be gentle with yourself.  Accept that this is a process and, even if it doesn't feel like it, you are making progress.  Just posting here is a sign of it.

 

Being gentle with yourself means, as you feel ready, allowing yourself to understand your anger.  I don't mean the logical reason that you can be angry, but slowly and gently allowing that inner you to reveal to yourself what the deep anger is saying and allow yourself to deal with the fear or powerlessness or desperation (etc.) that it is masking.  Sometimes this requires great strength and honesty, and learning how to be gentle with yourself and not judge your emotions helps a great deal.

 

For instance, anger can be a huge protection mechanism.  Sometimes the psyche just isn't ready to deal with the deep emotions that are locked within us and our extremely intelligent body allows anger to exist to ensure that we don't get locked in depression.

 

I have read recently that finding outlets to express anger without doing the work of discovering what the anger is protecting can be counter-productive.  Not that having an outlet, in itself, is wrong, but that recognizing that the anger is a platform to understanding the truth of how we are feeling, in conjunction with learning healthy action, is being recommended.

 

I'm sure there are many, many suggestions that can be found about healthy ways to vent anger - plus, you could even rant here on this forum, here people understand anger - but maybe you might want to look into some counselling also?  A counsellor might be able to help you find and release the underlying emotions in a healthy way, making you not need to beat up a pillow so often

 

It is ok to still miss your dad.  I'm going to miss my dad forever.  It's also ok that other people don't understand, because they really really can't.  It is an irony of loss that we, often, have to have compassion for those around us who are trying to support us and forgive them their ignorance.

 

And it is definitely ok to feel such confusion and anger towards your mom.  We all know at our deepest level, no matter who we are or what we've done, that we deserve that love and we hurt without it.

 

You are right to be hurting and you are right to have protection from that which is uncontrollable.  Please be gentle with yourself as you allow yourself to explore it.

 

But please, start to explore it.  This is what will finally bring you true release.

 

<3

[Webb2010]

Yes...I have thought about counselling and I do believe I could benefit from it. I have a hard time opening up, but my best friend suggested online support group because it helped when she lost he daughter.

See my Dad was my best best friend and my Mon has never really been there for me in any way. I feel like the outcast of my brother and sister's. My Mon is constantly said the reason she wasn't there for me is because she didn't need to worry about me. I guess I wanted her to worry but to no avail.

Hysteria of my Father'spassing she kicked my brother and me out, she has done so much for my brother, and 2 sister's. I'm angry that I don't have my dad here, angry that my husband doesn't try to understand my pain. I looked up to my dad, and I've lost him. My kids will never know how great he was.

My family has fell apart, I no longer speak to my brother often, or Lil sister and my older sister is there but she well she is her.

I feel like I get angry because losing someone else close would break me........ I'm afraid to love, because if I love with all of me and they die then I'll break more and more.

At on point suicide was thought of but pain didn't sound good and knowing me I'd screw up. I don't think of it any more. I've got two wonderful kids and more than great husband......but I question a lot as to why

God has a reason I truly believe but it still is hurt so hurt.

Well thanks for listening