Lost my mom to drugs

[Evenheroesfail]

My mom was only 45 years old when she overdosed on heroin and had her already weak heart stop.

I'm 21 years old. Something about having to bury my mother at this age seems wrong- like what did I ever do (or not do) to deserve such grief? The irony is almost too much to bear knowing that my mother died from an overdose and I'm currently in my last semester of college to become a state trooper-hopefully a narcotics unit. I still don't think it's real and she's been gone for about a month now. My mom never had an easy life- she resorted to illicit drugs to ease her pain.

She was born in 1969- the first of two children to be born to the Abreu family. By the time my mom was 5, her mother was already deceased from cancer. Her grandmother stepped up to the plate and took my mother in. By the time my mom was 12, she was apparently so out of hand that Memere could not handle it anymore. My mom was then adopted by my now grandparents. My moms father walked out in both kids when Claire passed away in 1974. My mom had experienced a pretty tough childhood to start her life with.

I was born in 1992. My mom and dad weren't married and I was their first and only child. By the time I was five, my parents were separated and dating new lovers. My dad and his wife had their first child in October and my mom and stepfather had theirs in November. Funny how I had no siblings and suddenly I acquired 4 between 2 half brothers and 2 step siblings. My mom was a great mother- I always had food, clothes, toys and everything I needed. Our home was clean and I was happy.

Around 2002, my stepdad started to complain about back pain. I assume this is where the drug use began with the OxyContin and such. I remember because we had a 2 bedroom duplex and had to get a bigger place for my baby brother to have a room. We moved to this new place- it wasn't so bad. My stepdad was no longer working and my mom was a waitress- you can imagine the stigma and pressure to make enough to survive. This is where I started to learn my parents did drugs. My friends and I were told to stay in the basement at times and you could see the difference in personalities. One minute my mom would be singing and happy- the next she was curled up on the couch with no hope in sight. We lost that duplex due to nonpayment I'm sure. That's when everything really fell apart.

My stepdad must have owed thousands of dollars in backed child support from his ex wife. When we lost the duplex, we moved into an already full house- my stepdads fathers house. My mom bounced from job to job, could barely keep a car on the road. Finally one day she decided it was a good idea to leave Massachusetts and move to South Carolina. My mom hated the cold weather and it was her chance to keep her husband out of jail. So in 2006, my mom, stepdad and 6 year old brother left for South Carolina.

I heard from my mom maybe a total of 10 times in the 6 years she lived in South Carolina. She missed countless birthdays, Christmas's with family and things like prom and other memorable events. I thought my mom was gone for good. In 2012, I got a phone call stating my stepdad collapsed and was brain dead. My mom took two days to decide to pull the plug.

In December 2012, a few days before Christmas, my grandfather and I flew to South Carolina to pick up my mom and brother. The meeting was emotionless on my end- I honesty couldn't be excited to see her. How could a mother leave her child behind? I cried for years for her to come home but it took her husband dying for her to finally do it. I saw my mom maybe 5-7 times since 2012.

She would call me frantically crying to please pick her up "her boyfriend was beating her" or some other reason to gather attention. She'd call me crying one day, the next she'd be happy as a clam. She has surgery in 2013 on her heart- she needed a new heart valve. She had a bunch of meds and wasn't even supposed to smoke. Who would have thought she'd still do those drugs?

My favorite pet had just died. Literally 15 minutes before my grandmother called to tell me my mom was gone. Her boyfriend didn't even call 911 because he wouldn't stop doing CPR and panicking. My mom was dead on arrival. I just dropped to the floor when my grandmother said the words "she's gone." The last time I spoke with her was probably her birthday- march 6th. I'd kept the conversation short and to the point. She texted me on Easter and said "happy Easter baby I love you mommy." I never replied.

I can't stop thinking about how terrible I feel at my lack of time I spent with her. I was so busy being angry at her for leaving me that I didn't stop to think how id feel if she died. My mom was suffering- she was broke, couldn't work, had lost her husband, had my brother (who was a handful) and felt like her family (including me) abandoned her because we all backed off from her drama. Nothing was ever easy when it came to my mom... You couldn't call her and talk about nothing. She'd make you feel bad for her shitty life. And since I was the one who cleaned her apartment, I couldn't help but feel bad. I'm 21 years old and I'm honestly more successful then she ever was. She depended on social security to pay her apartment and bills- I work 40 hours a week and go to school full time. She rode the bus and I drive a brand new car. I honestly couldn't find really anything she owned that was "worth" anything. She pawned it for drugs or never had the money to get it to begin with. My mom made me realize that sometimes it takes adversity to make you become a better person. I wanted more than what she had so I worked hard and joined the army. My mom was really proud of me- always had to tell people that her daughter (HER daughter) was going to be a state trooper and was in the army. I like to think that shes not suffering anymore and has her own little heaven with her husband and mom. I think she is proud of me and I think the next time I see her we will have a lot to talk about. I just wish id learn to accept an apology id never actually received from her and took the time to understand her point of view. She'll always be my mama- even if she's not physically her. My brother and I will persevere and make her proud. I listen to a voicemail she left me everyday and somehow hearing her voice makes me feel a little better at times.

I learned too much about her after her death- she was a scam artist and she was good at it. She made up fake children for her taxes and a fake business. Got away with that for years. I didn't want to see the suboxone in her purse... (It's used to get people off illicit drugs). I didn't want to have to face her worthless boyfriend when I went to their apartment to get her belongings. I didn't want to know her drug dealers name. Worst of all- I didn't want the sympathy involved. I didn't want people to ask how she died because I feel like it taints her death and makes her out to be a bad person. She wasn't- she just didn't know any better. My mom was beautiful, sweet and a hard worker who loved to please others.

If anything, I'd really like help with closure. I have a hard time knowing I didn't text her back on Easter and knowing that I could have been better. Thank you for reading, it definitely got a lot of my chest.

[Heartlight]

Dear Evenheroesfail,

 

I'm so sorry about your mom.

 

I wanted to tell you that as I read your story, I was very moved at how much you did express your mother's bravery, even within your own pain and confusion and loss.  I re-read it to see if I could understand how you had expressed that but I am unable to pin-point it.  But please do know that I feel like you have provided a very deep testament here to your mother.  In your honest assessment and communication of both her and you, I feel like you both have a very deep and strong character of desire and upliftment within you.  Your mom just didn't get the opportunity to express it, like you have.

 

When someone dies, counsellors sometimes try to express the concept of 'legacy'.  It's usually too difficult to think that way when first experiencing loss but, as time goes on, a person begins to understand... that there is a piece of the person that they lost that they can express through their own life, that they can carry on with a work - even if that work never got started - because it is a shared desire or characteristic.

 

It seems to me that your choice of law enforcement and drug services specifically is naturally a way that you will be able to express that legacy to your mom.  The way you have grown up, the experiences that you had with her all seem to point to you being a very, very good person to be within that field.  You could have the compassion that other officers wouldn't necessarily have, while you work towards your desire to better society.

 

This seems like a beautiful legacy.

 

There are always thing that can remain as painful... when my father died, I did have and still have great sorrow for the night before he died.  Similar to you not texting your mother back, had I know that when I left for the evening that I would never see him again, the evening would have been much different.  The problem is, we can never know.  I know it's not easy and it will take time to forgive yourself of the things you think you need forgiving for so please be gentle with yourself as you move forward in this process.  I am sure it will come up again and again and until the time comes that you fully accept that it was ok for you not to write her back, you will experience the confusion of it.  But you can't force that moment, you can only be gentle with yourself until then.

 

You have chosen the name Even Heroes Fail.  In my opinion, the fact that you are here and feeling and compassionate and want to help and express and pass on your wisdom and that you know that she loved you means that your mother did not fail, she fell.

 

<3

[Steve s mom]

Sorry to hear about your mom.

Drugs are a terrible thing they are like demons that make people do what they never would have done.

I'm sure your mother would have been a better mother to you without them.not saying that she wasn't responsible for what she did with her life,only that you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.theres nothing you could have done to change that .i believe when it is someone's time to go we can't change that no matter what the means the drugs were only her vehicle.she is at peace now and will be waiting for you on the other side when you meet again ,there will be love and forgiveness.hopefully through your chosen profession you can help stop the scourge of drugs.its an epidemic and good people get sucked into it ,perhaps to can help put the facilitators(dealers) away and save some lives ,even if you couldn't save your mom.

I wish you peace.

[mellie0302]

After reading your entry, I'm so impressed with the strength you seem to have.  There's no doubt that your mother would be very proud of you.  You seemed to have handled this loss with such dignity and I can't say I would do the same (I have a mother who sounds a lot like yours). Best of luck to you and your future. You should like you are on a great path.

 

-Mel

[Sailormom]

Drugs is something the people use to ease their pain, it doesnt make them a bad person, they are just people you have a piece of them that is broke and the drugs makes them feel not broken.

There is a forum called www.herion-detox.com that I belong to and it has helped me understand my son and has helped me to feel better about what went down. I geuss you need to understand why before you can grieve properly. Or at least that is how I feel.