lost my dad and miss him everyday

[dbasaraner]

I lost my dad 2 months ago.He was bladder cancer. When we first learned, the doctor said that he can deal with it through periodical controls but suddenly cancer spread and he need to have a surgery.He couldnt handle the surgery and had an infection..we lost him 3 weeks later the surgery..i blame myself everyday since because we can see another doctors and maybe better hospitals..i m missing him every single day would like to talk to him and ask his idea..i can not cope with it it happened very fast and unexpectedly.i had panic attacks and started to see a therapist..i can not stop thinking if he doesn't have the surgery he could be with us..this site is very helpful since i feel that i'm not alone..i m trying to find a way to cope with it please tell me about your advices..

[Heartlight]

Hi dbasaraner, I'm so sorry you lost your dad

 

I know how hard it is.  My dad was diagnosed and then died very quickly after that.  It's a very difficult time.  I have also experienced panic attacks when dealing with loss.  When my sister died unexpectedly, I suffered extreme anxiety and panic every day.

 

It's good that you found this website.  I encourage you to come back and write some more about how you're feeling, how your days are going or how your therapy is going.  Living after we lose someone can be a very difficult process.  As you have mentioned, it does help to know that you are not crazy for feeling as bad as you do.  We all have felt that unmitigatable pain.  It's understandable that you believe you won't ever be happy again because the pain of losing someone is the deepest pain that exists and changes everything.

 

All I can say is that as you learn to accept the pain, as you learn to express yourself and the importance of your relationship, you will be able to experience times that have more feelings of love and less feelings of pain.  It is a slow process but being gentle with yourself and honest in your feelings and where you are will be the thing that helps you to have some feelings of love for your dad that don't create the intense pain.

 

But it does take time.  And you are right to be hurting right now.  There is no time schedule with all this, you just need to be understanding towards yourself and take care of yourself as best you can.  I'm glad you are going to a therapist, they can provide tools to help you get through your day so that you can honor your loss and your dad without the added fear that there is anything wrong with how you're feeling.

 

And you are right - you are not alone.

 

<3

[Drod24]

Hi. dbasarner: 

I am really sorry to hear about your dad. I know what and how you feel; my dad died in March of this year. 

please don't feel like its your fault. I have those regrets too, maybe if i had been a lithe sweeter to my dad, made him feel more loved then he wouldn't have committed suicide. But those kind of thoughts don't help us, and they won't bring our dads back or anything productive. I am sure your dad wouldn't want you blaming yourself for any of this. He had a terrible illness, and that is where the blame should lie. My dads death happened so suddenly too and those panic attacks are normal. You ARE coping, this is your coping. Don't expect anything from yourself, that only makes everything worse. Let you do you. But try really hard not to regret, hate or think "What ifs" do not blame yourself. You need to keep moving.. Life keeps moving and regrets keep you in the past. 

I wish you all the best luck 

xox