Time stopped; never came back.

[rene5511]

Hi,

 

I used to always know, kinda instinctually I guess, what time it was within a few minutes without looking at a clock.

 

I was with my husband when he died, and my last sense of time passing was the four seconds between his last breaths.

 

Today, three years later, there is still no sense of passing time. I have no internal clock at all. I can be having a conversation with someone and at any point during it I wont know if we've been talking for 5 minutes or 5 hours. 

 

It's surprising to me that it's already been three years; it could have been yesterday that he died, for all I can tell. It still feels like he's in the next room; the love we have for each other hasn't diminished at all.

 

Can this still be a state of shock?

I know he's gone, but I dont accept it.

Does any of this make sense?

 

All thoughts most appreciated,

Rene

 

 

[HeyJude]

Hi Rene, welcome.  Yes, it makes perfect sense.  It feels almost like I am stuck in limbo, somewhere between life and death.  Never in my life have I been excited about my life being over.  I can't wait to get out of here.  Even though I have family I feel like I have no family anymore.  My husband was my life, he was my reason for living.  He is why I shined.  Nothing feels complete without him here.  I never knew just how much I loved him and how much of my self was so intertwined with him.  I truly feel that this is my hell.

[rene5511]

HeyJude, hi, and thanks for the welcome. I was hoping you'd reply; I'm drawn to the picture of you and your beloved because it shows the same love, the same pairing, that we had. Two halves of the same whole. I dont think it's because we loved more or deeper than others who've lost - it's just a different thing that only those who had it know it doesn't end and it doesn't die and the one left behind is changed forever. I've been through loss/grief before, my dad died in '97, and I'll go through it again soon; my mom is 87.

 

But this, this, is beyond different. If I dwell on it, I can barely breathe. But most times, I still feel so loved by him... that I forget he's not here. I know I've had three years of moving through life without him, but it doesn't feel like three years. It feels like maybe three seconds, if it feels like anything at all.

 

I'm kinda lucky in one regard. With no sense of time - there are no 'long nights' to get through, or 'long days alone' for that matter. [i also don't mind waiting on 'hold' for 'the next available representative' because it never feels like a long time, lol]. When dad died, there was a similar sense of time not moving, or dragging so slowly - but that kinda went away after a few days.

 

Because this has been over three years - either I'm still in a major denial of some kind - or - there was some permanent(?) biochemical/injury to my brain from the trauma surrounding his death.  If it is a permanent injury, that's fine, I've adapted. But if it's the former, and I'm still in a kind of denial after three years, then I'm not sure what, if anything, I should do about that; and anybody's ideas or thoughts would be very helpful.

 

Thanks again for your words,

Rene