Father Unexpectedly Died, How to Support Mom AND myself

[LilMissy22]

Hi there! I'm new to the forum and new to the experience of grief as well. 

 

My father unexpectedly passed away last month. He was only 53 (I'm 28). He had had a stress related heart attack (super healthy heart and lungs, no cholesterol) within the last year or so and didn't even know it. It left scar tissue in his heart which suddenly disrupted the electrical signal and caused his heart to stop. He died painlessly and quickly at home with my mom (he had, thankfully, been home sick that day with an unrelated fever) Though it was a blessing that he wasn't at work or driving, and got to spend his final moments drinking tea with my mom and talking about hiking, I know the experience and ensuing chaos that followed with trying to revive him, the 911 call, all the paramedics and people in and out of their quite house was also traumatic for her.  I got to spend some weeks at home, planning the service, helping the family get in and organize things, and try to help mom as much as I could.

 

I don't know if I've really accepted it. Even reading what I just wrote, it feels like a fictional story I just made up. I live about 6 hours from home and it's really easy for me to pretend everything is just normal at home. 

 

The thing that upsets me the most is worrying about my mom. My parents were lucky to have a wonderful relationship- blind prom dates in high school, 33 years of marriage, of course they did have a rough patch or two here and there, but overall, they were best friends and it really was true love. My mom has been very dependent on him in life, he worked, she stayed home, even after my brother and I have been out of the house for 10 years. They are very reserved, thoughtful people without a big social circle. I worry about her because she is not only having to grieve her partner, but because she has to learn how to do everything for herself and be independent. I even had to teach her how to get gas. Focusing on worrying about her has on one hand been a way to NOT allow myself to think about losing dad, but also in it's own way, has become in itself really difficult for me to deal with. I feel that I am responsible for her and that it's up to me to make sure she's OK. I'm so anxious because I know that in the end there really is NOTHING I can do to help her- she has to help herself. I want to learn how to support her as she journeys through her grief while still feeling like it's OKAY for me to grieve too. I don't have to be the strong one- but it's hard because that's entirely against  my nature.

 

It's getting hard because enough time has gone on to stop pretending all this will just go away, and at the same time I'm back to work and "normal" life and in general it's easy to go on with out thinking about it.

 

I feel like I haven't started grieving, but it's almost too late- I know that sounds really weird.

 

I see little signs, I work 7 days a week but after, just sleeping all the time whereas before I had tons of energy. I feel separated from everything like I'm just watching life right now.I usually am very clean and meticulous but I'm seeing that I'm letting things go at home and just have absolutely NO motivation to do simple chores that before gave me a sense of accomplishment. 

 

Everyone around me just seems to think that I'm really strong and doing really well, but I feel like I have this deep dark secret in a way. It's very weird, and I feel a strong sense of guilt and shame like I'm doing something wrong.

 

Any advice to get started down this road?

 

[Heartlight]

Hello LilMissy,

 

I'm sorry for your loss

 

It was a beautiful retelling, in that, you have expressed yourself wonderfully, you are very conscious and that you have even half the understanding that you do have is a blessing.

 

When my father died, my mother lay down and didn't move for 2 years.  She was finally hospitalized.  In the hospital, she had an awakening.  Finally after two years, she started to move again.

 

I experienced the most insane period of grief at that time.

 

Because of it, I learned that, like you have experienced, our grief can become 'manageable' (for lack of a better word) when someone else's more immediate needs (in our opinion) come first.  Then, when that responsibility is taken from you, what has been held in abeyance can release.

 

Besides that, it's never too late.  In fact, you will be feeling the loss of your dad your whole life, it will just transform.

 

I can understand other people telling you that you are strong and thinking you're doing well because, in my experience, people who are as conscious of you show the outside world that there is a place to stand in suffering.  It is an automatic and unconscious acknowledgement that they are giving you.

 

But I, too, understand that the strength only goes so far and that the mess on the inside can look organized on the outside.  It is also an experience of society that once a certain arbitrary amount of time has gone by, it's difficult for the bereaved to either start mourning or continue mourning.

 

And it sounds like you didn't get an opportunity to do any mourning.

 

If it were me, I would start slow.  Expressing yourself here was a way to do that.  Finding friends or family that you feel safe with and starting to talk about the confusions you have expressed here, and letting yourself meander into that dark secret place as you feel ready, would be where I would go next.

 

Sometimes it's not easy to ask for what we need but, if you can, you may find that having someone listen to you and not try to fix how you're feeling will help you start to move the locked up places to the light where you can integrate them and understand them.

 

That you are feeling no energy means it is not too late.

That you are not getting accomplishment from action means it is not too late.

 

Allow yourself to slowly start expressing yourself and you will be able to learn what you need to learn and feel what you need to feel.

 

And please be gentle and not judge your process this far.  You have done everything exactly perfectly.

 

<3

[cindyjane]

Hi LilMissy

 

So sorry for your loss.  Losing a parent is a real life-changer for sure.  Nothing is ever the same ... "normal" is gone BUT, in reading your post I think it is so wonderful that you are drawing on the memories of knowing that your parents had 33 wonderful years together.  For me, it took seeing the things to be grateful for to lift some of the pain of losing my mom....and there was much to be grateful for.  The loss of your dad is going to take it's toll on your whole family, your mom included.  Just as we all have to do, your mom will have to adjust.  I am sure she is going to need some help with things for awhile and it sounds like you're doing a great job.  She may surprise you and do fine after awhile.  Shortly after my mom passed away, someone said this to me .... "we don't get over it, we get on with it."  Today that makes a lot of sense to me.  As far as having less energy and lack of motivation, I think that is expected, our loss is emotionally draining which in turn affects us physically.  Eventually your energy and motivation will return but it does take time.  Take care

Cindy