something that made me sleep a little bit better

[jjaldo]

I thought I would share something that seems to be helping me sleep.  It has been 17 months since in one brief second my life changed drastically and forever.  I have progressed from not sleeping at all to waking up every hour to every 2 hours and last night I only woke up once (I think). 

 

I recently watched a baby being comforted by a soft security blanket and the look of tranquility on her face was just amazing.  I thought that maybe I could learn something from this beautiful child. 

 

When I first lost my spouse, who was my life, I would sleep in his pj's and walk around in his slippers.  At some point, maybe 6 months later, I stopped doing that....I guess I thought I was getting better but I really wasn't...I was just getting better at hiding my misery. 

 

Recently I decided that maybe I needed a security blanket too.  So I took his pj's out of the drawer again and decided to hold them close as I fell asleep.  It feels very comforting to me to have his pj's near my face, between me and the pillow.  Even when I wake up during the night I feel around for them, find them and somehow holding on to them helps me fall back to sleep and stay asleep longer.

 

I have tried, warm milk, tea, wine a drink and even medication....so far the pj's are the only thing bringing me some peace at night. 

 

I have not removed his clothes, shoes etc.....his desk is still as he left it with post-it notes on the December 2012 calender hanging on the wall over his desk.  I am finding the idea of getting rid of his clothes unbearable.  Any advice for me?  Thank you.  Hope my suggestion helps for someone.

 

 

 

[erip]

Hello!

I can understand what you say about not wanting to get rid of your husbands belongings. My dad died 3 years ago and for a year my mom had almost all his things in the same way but she wanted me to help her but i just couldnt do it, I felt like doing that was letting him go...finally I understood that if I helped my mom with that, she would be able to move forward (not move on because we dont move on...we just learn to live with this pain). So we did, we call the family and cousins, uncles took some of his clothes, shoes, my mom kept my dad's pjs and some other stuff, I kept a sweater and 2 tshirts and then the rest to charity).

 

3 years after my dad's death and I can tell you that this is still very hard for us, for my mom is very tough but she is doing way better than at the beggining....but tragedy hit again and this year I lost my boyfriend the love of my life and it was unexpected, he had a brain aneurysm.

 

This time I had to think what to do with his belongings, if it were just for me probably his things would still be in the same place as they were 4 months ago...but his family helped me and his friends and co workers too. So I kept his books, some of his clothes, a sweater and of course his pjs because they smell just like him. When I smell them is as if Francisco's is hugging me and I love that feeling, of course I cry like a baby but I feel him very close so now that you say that sleeping with your husbands pjs makes you feel good and secure well i think i will give it a try.

 

I cant tell you what to do but I share both my experiences.

Big hug to you!

I

[rene5511]

I have not removed his clothes, shoes etc.....his desk is still as he left it with post-it notes on the December 2012 calender hanging on the wall over his desk.  I am finding the idea of getting rid of his clothes unbearable.  Any advice for me?  Thank you.  Hope my suggestion helps for someone.

 

Hi jjaldo, I think your suggestion is a good one!

 

What I did at first was hang on to everything desperately. At some point, I don't remember when, the clinging to the things wasn't as tight, but I still didn't let anything go.  But then later, and still now, I let some things go if there was a reason to. When I downsized into a smaller place, there wasn't room for all his clothes - so I kept the favorites and the rest went to goodwill.  My point is... there was a 'reason' (downsizing) - more than just because I (or someone else) thought I should.

 

I still have my husband's calendar & post-it notes too. I put them in a manilla envelope and into one of my 'treasure tubs'. Odds are, I'll never get them out and look at them again...it's enough that I still have them! If you have the room, and if there's no 'reason' to let them go, then don't! Keep some out, put some away and enjoy knowing they're still there with you, and when/if a 'reason' comes to let them go - it's okay. And if you keep the things forever... what could be wrong with that?

 

I wear my hubby's blue pocket t-shirts with my jeans.

I think I look fabulous, and he's grinning at me in them. (-:

 

Hugs and best pj dreams to you ~

Rene

[andysgirl]

There are crafty people out there who make actual blankets/quilts out of loved ones clothes. This might help you - you'll have the 'security blanket' you crave but in the process with also be letting some of his physical things - they'll just take a different form. Just a thought. My boyfriends family kept everything from me & only gave me the things I had given to him, nothing else, so I only have a handful of the things that were at our place as (we were in the process of moving in together) but I've often thought that if I had more of his clothes I'd have one made

Also, there are some good sleep meditations on you tube - some nights I listen to them on my phone while trying to drift off & listen to the words & focus on breathing & think of my guy. Sometimes, not always, it helps.

[brijac]

I lost my dear wife four  months ago after nearly 50 years of wonderful marriage. I have said that I am unable to move any of my dear wifes belongings. Trouble is though I have a sister who is very "matter of fact " and practical. She has told me that moving some of the belongings out is a way of closure and my grief will not be so intense when I do this. Everyone on the forum has suggested that you do not remove anything until it feels comfortable to do it. I really don't feel as if I will be able to move anything for a long while    Brian

[HeyJude]

brijac - everyone handles this totally different.  I couldn't stand seeing all my husbands things, it just killed me.  So I got rid of his stuff fairly early on but it was at my own pace.  I kept just a few things, his robe because it smells like him, his hat for the same reason and his favorite coat.  Oh, I kept a couple of hoodies too because I will wear them.  I still have all the pictures up and probably always will.  He is still my husband.  I don't see any reason in changing any of that.  But his clothes benefited a lot of people and he would have wanted that.

[JennyC23]

If I were to get rid of every thing that reminded me of my husband I would have o get rid of every thing I own. He is sitting in every chair and around every corner. It has only been 3 months yet. I moved out of my bedroom and gave it and my bed to my oldest son and put his bed in a corner of my family room. I put all his cloths into bags and put them into the basement. One day I went down to the basement and found one of my sons had opened a bag and one of his shirts (his favorite) was on the floor. I stared at that shirt, unmoving with silent tears streaming down my face for almost a half an hour. Maybe I should just burn the house down and move far away.