Dad and the reaction of others to grief

[Marisa1983]

Hi,

 

My dad is in the final stages of heart faliure and dementia and about to pass away. We have had a rollercoaster of a year seeing him through this and although it has been a great privilege to be there for him it has been so hard emotionally. I have found it really hard to deal with the waves of different emotions and seem to have gone into grief early. He can no longer talk, is incontient and bed bound. He is highly distressed but we do all we can to comfort him. He has gone down fighting true to his nature. Me and mum have worked hard to make sure his finances are on track so he can have the best care, and it has completely overtaken our lives sorting everything out. 

 

I feel so helpless and isolated. I havent really spoken to people about it as the reactions Ive had havent been good. I was promptly dumped by my boyfriend once things got tough with this which took me a long time to get my head around how someone could do that and why. 

 

Friends seem to either just not understand why I am upset or tired a lot, or have completely backed off, Im guessing out of fear. I feel like if I even mention it I am burdening them and generally they will avoid me in future. The family is small but my reactions have ranged from trying t tell me what to do or how I should feel, to actively complaining I havent involved them enough or am not fufiling my duties to them i.e. emotional support of them and their own problems. Other family members have point blank made excuses to avoid visiting and backed off from speaking to me. I've found this very tough not to take personally and was completely unexpected. We are not a very close family but I certianly expected in a crisis like this they would come through a lot more than they have. They simply dont seem to understand how bad the situation is or that it might be their role to help us or at least check we are doing ok. I have tried to let this slide and just concentrate on the couple of close friends I have who are a bit more understanding. I am dads only blood relative except for a cousin who I barely know and he has very little contact with.  

 I have withdrawn a bit into myself in order to keep energy I need to deal with supporting him and mum who has been married to him for over 50 years and now faces life on her own. It is just heartbreaking, to see someone so ill like that, a shell of what they were.Even worse when they are your parent. It has got me in a way I never thought possible. I am also terrified for myself - what will I do now without dad to protect me? He has always been such a strong force in our family and I feel like I never really appreciated this until now. We were not so close for a long time. He could be a very controlling man and it was hard to stay close due to that. I now see he just had big issues of his own but I am so sad we did not overcome these until now. It has been great to finally be able to be close to him even if I dont know how aware of it he is. I doubt anyone is ever going to love me like my dad did. It has left such a void in our lives.

 

Any advice you have on how to cope with this situation and grief would be wonderful. 

[BaileyB]

No advice except to say that I think you are handling a very difficult situation with great strength, compassion, and wisdom. I have great admiration for the care that you have offered your parents and I'm very sorry that others have not understood and supported you during this time.

All I can say, having walked a similar road, is that it is unimaginably difficult to watch someone you love, especially a man as strong and proud as you have described your dad to be, lose their health, their independence, and their dignity. My mom fought valiantly until the end to maintain her spirit and her independence... It broke my heart to watch my beloved suffer with an illness that took everything from her (and, as it felt to me at the time and still to this day, from my whole family). Even today, three years after her hospitalization, I was walking through the hospital (where she was admitted and I continue to work) when I saw a family who were in obvious distress. Tears came to my eyes as it reminded me of all that we endured and how I felt during her illness... It's unimaginable to me still sometimes, even three years after her illness.

And it's very sad to say, but some people are just not able to be there to offer support when you need them. For me, it was the family member who actually told me that she wished my mom could hold off dying until after her vacation so that she could attend the funeral. And, it was the cousin who couldn't deal with anything... Never called, never sent a card, and didn't come to say goodbye because he "didn't want to remember my mom that way." Hurtful things. But I realized, as you also realize, that it has more to do with them than it has to do with you. If they are not able to rise above their own needs and do the right thing... That reflects on their character, not mine. I always thought to myself "as long as I am doing my best to be there, to be kind, to love and care for my family.... Then I can be proud of that and have no regrets." It sounds to me like that is what you are doing. Try your best to let the rest go, because quite honestly, what they say or do really doesn't matter...

And my last thought is... It is absolutely ok to withdraw and gather your strength for the people and the times that you need it. Never will you be so exhausted and emotionally spent as when you are caring for a loved one who is dying or grieving their loss. At this time, you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself... Free from the guilt we feel that we "should do more" or "put others needs ahead of your own." It sounds like your priorities are good and you are coping as best you can. If your friends are not able to understand and help you through this time, seek a counsellor or priest - someone who will listen (even if all you do is cry). There are people that can help you - don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

And just to know that I still feel the same way... Some days, still very unsure how I will cope with this loss or fill this empty hole in my life. Then, I remind myself that I have done so for (however many days), and so I can draw strength from that and get through another. Life is not the same... Some days, I ache for the life that is lost. Nobody will ever love you like a parent... But I try in my moments of despair to be grateful for the fact that I have known the love of both parents for all the years of my life... And remember that others are not so blessed. I try very much to remember all that they have given me, and continue to live my life in a way that will make them proud. It has helped me to move from one day to the next... Which sometimes, I think is all we can really expect to do.

Big hugs to you Marisa. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for both of your losses and the things that you have gone through during those losses.  BaileyB, your response was absolutely perfect.  All of the things that you said were very helpful to me and I imagine to anyone who reads it.  Thanks both of you for sharing and I hope all the best for you. 

 

Someone said this to me in regard to our losses and it helped, "we don't get over it ... we get on with it." 

 

take care

Cindy

[Blackrock]

Sorry for what you are going through. Be strong and talk to your dad even though he might not understand everything. I didn't have that chance and I really regret not spending more time with him when he's healthy. My dad passed away so suddenly due to heart attacked. I know how u feel now since I also took care of my grandma who was in dementia before she passed way. Both of them were gone so quickly not even one year apart. You're better than all those relatives and friends because you have love in your heart and it's hard to find nowadays. Sometimes relatives are so selfish and only think about materials things. They need to stop and realized what is more important. Once a person is no longer here there's nothing that can bring back life! But ignore those people and do what is right. Take care

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