Lost my mom, lost myself

[Venezuala]

I lost my mom a month ago..I cried yes and felt sad and all but Past two days have been horrible, from sleep depriviation to nightmares to feeling down. I have no desire to face anything.

It feels like I am only greiving now . The pain seems to be winning. All I want is the old me, I dont wanna cry anymore, I dont wanna feel like I make progress for a few days then crash. The world cannot wait for me. I have to be strong but it feels like am watching myself fall while everything else is moving. I wanna smile again and be the bubbly me. It hurts so much and is the kind of cloud am not used to. I feel like am failing myself amd my mother , a week ago I was fine and trying to move on, you spoke to me and I was fine - then yesterday I lost it all, the strongness she taught me, the independence and surviver girl inside me. I want help but now dont know how to. Living like this is no fun. I feel like an emotional wrack and unstable. i hate that it gets to me so much.

It was better to have her, I know I am being selfish as she was forever sick. I asked God for two things, please release her from the pain... heal her ot take her cos she was so sick. Now that that has happened I cant live with myself. What kind of daughter was I? I am ashamed of me. I should have taken added her on my medical aid so that they treat the diabetes she had better, Maybe cook for her I dont know. I just wish I had done things differently maybe s

he would be here. Or maybe I wouldnt feel this way. Yes I was her daughter but I did not do enough.

And now I am not happy withmyself.
 

[Heartlight]

Dear Venezuala,

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom

 

First you need to know that, to me, a plea to god to heal her or take her sounds like a plea for your mother's highest good.  In this life, that is the highest prayer one can ask for.

 

I know that you're going to have questions and for a long time - the what if's, or the should I have's.  It is very common to be stuck in those questions because there are no answers.  When you're questioning yourself, the best I would recommend for you is to go back to the prayer that you asked god for: her highest good.  This is, in my opinion, an indication of your highest intention and this is what you should reflect on when in your questioning state.

 

As you can feel, it is very, very hard to regain ourselves.  Please don't judge yourself for not being able to find your bubbly self in all this pain.  Even if you have a good day here or there, it is a process of finding out how to be in this new world without this person who was so important to us.  Learning to live with the loss of someone we love is a life-long journey and, especially at the beginning, a painful one.  It is normal that it is messy for you right now - you are very, very new within this loss.

 

Please be gentle with yourself, both when you are questioning and when you are tired of feeling bad.  You will not change it any easier than accepting it - accepting yourself and allowing yourself to feel what you are going to feel anyway.

 

<3