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HOW DO YOU GET OVER THE HOSPITAL NIGHTMARE


lolynbo

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WE WERE IN THE HOSPITAL 7 MONTHS, NEVER LEAVING NEVER WORKING, ONLY TO SHOWER, EAT, CHANGE CLOTHES, OR PICK UP OUR SON, WE SLEPT ON THE ICU FLOOR FOR 10 WEEKS, WITH THE BIZZY WAITING ROOM RAMBLE NOISE...

HOW DO I GET THE PICTURES OF HER WITH ALL THE TUBES AND LINES IN HER, AND THE BEEPING OF THE MACHINES...I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I TOLD HER THE SURGERY WILL BE SIMPLE AND WE WOULD HAVE THE SAME HAIRCUT..AND SHE WOULD GET BETTER,,,,,,SHE GOT WORSE..NOT BETTER,,,,I DIDNT EVEN GET TO TALK TO HER SINCE NOVEMBER 15TH WHEN ALL WENT WRONG....HER DAD AND HUSBAND WENT IN BECAUSE I COULDNT DO IT...WHAT KIND OF MOTHER IS THAT....I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I DID LEAVE HER A FEW TIMES TO ENTERTAIN MY SON AND GIVE HIM SOME TIME TO ME...I DIDNT GET TO SEE HIM BUT A  FEW TIMES THE WHOLE 7 MONTHS...

I'M HER MOTHER I SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED HER, IF I COULD HAVE....I HOPE SHE ISNT MAD AT ME FOR ANYTHING...I TRIED IM NOT AS BRAVE AS EVERYONE SAYS I AM....I AM JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH OUT HER.

WE ARE COMING UP ON  4 MONTHS SINCE SHE HAS BEEN GONE AND THE YR OF WHEN ALL THIS HELL STARTED..NOVEMBER 4TH, 15TH ETC......

SORRY IM JUST RAMBELING..I JUST MISS MY BABY GIRL KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL JUNE 17TH 2008 22YRS OLD...BRAIN TUMOR

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I know what you are going through I lost Bobbi April 24th of 07 to pnuemonia and cancer. I went to the hospital to see my baby hooked up to tubes draining her lungs tubes just all over. She was uncounscios most of the time so she didn't realize she couldn't breathe on her own a machine was breathing for her. The worst thing was her cancer was suppose to be the most cureable but it wasn't. I watched her lie in ccu for six weeks with real no hope at all then the blood infections took over at the end and life support was shut off. The sad thing she would have been 26 in two months to the day she died and she left behind a five year old son(then) and a husband. Her son never got to say goodbye to mommy and for months after she died he wanted to go t the hospital and see her.

I know its hard now but it does get better but you will never be the same because you lost a piece of yourself when your baby dies and the hurt will never leave just get easier to bear. Good luck on your journey none of us wants and I will pray for you.

Deb

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I understand what you guys are going through. Even thought my son was only 21 months old when he died I will never ever get the image of him hooked up to tubes and the ephie drip to keep his heart beating. The e coli that went through his body and the HUS that developed through that children don't die from it. Only 4 percent die. And my baby died. Why mine. It's only been 3 weeks and I feel like I am in a nightmare. After he got out of surgery he was fine. He crashed and was gone for 14 minutes. I watched the doctors and nurses work on reviving him while I stood back and watched them. I am his mommy....mommy fixes everything and I didn't. After they got him back there was little hope. We kept him alive for 12 more hours. 12 hours of hell. We took him off of the machines and he went quickly. My thoughts were how do I tell his 3 year old bubba that he was not coming home with us? But I couldn't we found out that Cooper had the e coli and within 5 minutes of loosing Tanner Cooper was admitted to the same hospital. Cooper has a clean bill of health now, praise God. But the image of Tan in that hospital and me and my husband's decision to let him go will haunt me forever. Did we make the right choice? I am sorry I am rambling...but the one thing I want is my baby back...and that will never happen.

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[user=23643]cassies[/user] wrote:

I understand what you guys are going through. Even thought my son was only 21 months old when he died I will never ever get the image of him hooked up to tubes and the ephie drip to keep his heart beating. The e coli that went through his body and the HUS that developed through that children don't die from it. Only 4 percent die. And my baby died. Why mine. It's only been 3 weeks and I feel like I am in a nightmare. After he got out of surgery he was fine. He crashed and was gone for 14 minutes. I watched the doctors and nurses work on reviving him while I stood back and watched them. I am his mommy....mommy fixes everything and I didn't. After they got him back there was little hope. We kept him alive for 12 more hours. 12 hours of hell. We took him off of the machines and he went quickly. My thoughts were how do I tell his 3 year old bubba that he was not coming home with us? But I couldn't we found out that Cooper had the e coli and within 5 minutes of loosing Tanner Cooper was admitted to the same hospital. Cooper has a clean bill of health now, praise God. But the image of Tan in that hospital and me and my husband's decision to let him go will haunt me forever. Did we make the right choice? I am sorry I am rambling...but the one thing I want is my baby back...and that will never happen.

My heart breaks hearing your story.  Such a little life, gone in a heartbeat from something that normally would do no more than make him very sick.  Being placed in the position of making a decision to let your son be at peace after such a brief but frenetic attempt to save him is something no parents wants to experience.

There are no words that will ease you heartache, nothing that will take the place of your beloved Tanner.  But being here you might find something that gives you strength to each day one breath, one step at a time.

Bittersweet to still have Cooper, who I have no doubt will be loved twice as much.  At such a tender age, the concept of Tanner not coming back will be hard.  But memories and stories will surface as Cooper grows, these in their own way will help build the bridge between the boys & in turn ease your aching heart.

Trudi

 

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I DONT EVEN GET IT...I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM LAST NIGHT...

WE WERE AT KOURTNEYS FUNERAL AND MY OLDEST DAUGHTER WAS TALKING AND FINISHING UP DETAILS WITH THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR...AND SEEMS LIKE ANOTHER FAMILY CAME IN TO HAVE THEIR FUNERAL /COOKOUT??? AND SEEMS THAT WE WER BEING RUSHED TO GET KOURTNEYS FUNERAL "OVERWITH"

AND WHEN THEY PICKED UP KOURTNEYS CASKET...THEY DROPPED IT....THEN I WOKE UP.....I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I DREAMED THIS...NOTHING LIKE THIS HAPPENED...IT JUST THEM DAMN STUPID DREAMS FROM THE HOSP AND NOW FUNERAL.....

WONDER Y WE DREAM LIKE THIS???? IT RUINED MY WHOLE DAY:(

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heartbeataway

Cassies, you are in a nightmare.  I am so sorry for your loss!  Your beautiful little boy.

I lost an adult child.  He died very suddenly and totally unexpected of undiagnosed heart disease.  His first manifestation was sudden death.

Your loss is so very new .......  you are suffering as you struggle to find your footing as you begin this saddest of all lifes journeys.

After Jason's sudden death, I was given some good advice from other Mom's on this journey.  Take "deep breaths and baby steps".  Take one hour at a time.  I would plan something and give myself an hour to get it done, then I would take the next hour.

It's so, so hard and the pain is so intense.  I had one child and now he's gone. I'm thankful that you have another.  You've been blessed in the midst of unspeakable loss.

The pain will get softer with time ..... give yourself lots of time.  It's not going to happen tomorrow or even six months from now. But the pain will get softer.

Pour your heart out with your keyboard, we are here to listen and to offer advice. Advice that comes from hearts that broke with the loss of our children .........

You are in the right place ........

Bonnie

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heartbeataway

Lorri,

I'm sorry you had this horrible dream.  I pray you'll dream more peacefully tonight.

Bonnie

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Bonnie,

Thank you so much. I like going to this forum, because everyone knows what I am going through. Like you said it is all so new to me. I still can't get over the fact that Tanner is gone. I still am waiting for him to run down the hall and jump in my lap. I just don't understand why they couldn't save my baby. It's so hard when I know that the statistics show that only 4% of children die from Tanner's condition. Why did the doctors  tell me that he was going to be okay and we would only be in the hospital for two weeks? They shouldn't get parents hopes up like that when they are not certain they will save a child's life. I am thankful that Cooper's condition didn't worsen. If it wasn't for Cooper I don't think I could make it through everyday. He is such a blessing in my life. When I am sad he reminds me that Tanner is in heaven with Jesus. I just take one day at a time.   Cassie

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tanmanmymagicman

Hi Cassie, I love the name Tanner; my Tanner died Aug 7, 2007; he was 16; he died in a auto accident;  It is the same with me that I read about from most parents and it is so true; part of me died that day also and I am having to learn how to re live and I never know how I will hehave from one day to the next; my counslor tells me I am unstable. Well do YA THINK!!!!!!

Oh how I love my Tanner; he was my baby; the baby of the family ;  I just know we all die someday; so I don't have to live an eternity without him I want to live an eternity with him.  Bless you so much; so sorry for the loss of your Tanner.

Always lonely without him even with a room full of family I am still alone.

My best to you this evening and tomorrow; Cindy Houk

Tanner Houk @mem.com

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Cassie your pain is so new and intense and believe me a year ago I was there. My daughter Bobbi died April 2007 she was twenty five and it tore a big hole in my heart. I have ayounger daughter but I still lost my first born. The hard part yet is her b-day and holidays. I think the hardest part is looking at her son and seeing her when he pouts.

It gets easier but you will always have an empty place where your child was. I pray for you to have strength to go on and bear each new day. The only thing that has helped me is to know my daughter is no longer in pain and having the fear of a relasp.

I grieve with you best of luck in this lonely walk and remember we are here for you.

Deb

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Thank you guys. It helps knowing you guys are here to listen. I just need someone to listen. My husband is distant and won't talk to me. He spends most of his time away from home and when he is home he has nothing to do with me. Its nice knowing someone listens.   Cassie

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heartbeataway

Cassie,

I'm sure you've heard this but men grieve differently than women.  You have both suffered a life changing, mind altering, heart breaking loss.

I would suggest that if you are involved in a church that has grief counselors that you seek them out.

But also remember that you are in the first weeks of your loss ...... a place that feels God forsaken and like foreign darkness.  Only time will make this better.  Time that seems to go by at the speed of a slow moving freight train.  Loud, in your face and stopping everything in motion.

You have no choice but to wait.  There is nothing you can do but allow your heart time to heal and even that will never happen completely.

Keep your routine as normal as possible for the sake of your family and Cooper. 

Sending you strength and understanding,

Bonnie

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Bonnie I totally agree with you we all need to remember this sound wisdom. I just wish I would have had the support then but now I do. Its a long lonely journey that we take as parents that have lost our children no matter the age.

Deb

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Hello everyone,

 I have been blessed to be involved in a group called Griefshare. It is Bible based and more than a support group we learn about what God's word says about grief. There are people there that are walking behind or in front of us but they are on this horrific journey too. If you go to the web site and enter your zip code hopefully there will be a group you can go to. My husband has gotten a lot out of it probably because there are two other men that lost their young adult sons too.

I still miss my son with every single fiber of my body and somedays feel like I am just waiting to be called to heaven. This board, Griefshare, family and friends have helped me tremendously. Love and blessings to you, Marian

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heartbeataway

Thanks Deb,

We're walking pretty closely on this journey.  Our son died April 28th, 2007.

Bonnie

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heartbeataway

Cassie,

How do you get e coli?  I've heard of it but I know nothing about it.

If it's too hard to talk about then please don't..........

Bonnie

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Bonnie-

E Coli is caused from fecal matter from cattle. It is in the hamburger of the cattle and unwashed fruits and vegetables. E Coli can be killed only by cooking the hamburger to 160 degrees and washing fruits and vegetables thoroughly. Most people eat E Coli do not even know they have it. It passes through them with no symptoms. Other people like Tanner with weakened immune systems it stayes in them. Tanner actually had the  E Coli and a condition that developed from it called HUS, Hemolitic Uremic Syndrome. E Coli is scary. I was told Tanner would come home to us because children don't die from HUS. Only 4%. We don't know where the boys got it. For all we know Daniel and I did have the E Coli and we never knew we had it. My only advise is that be sure and cook your hamburger and wash your fresh produce. E Coli is also spread many ways. Birds are the leading carriers of E Coli. So Tanner could have gotten it off of the Wal Mart shopping cart and not even know it. I hope this doesn't scare you, just make you more cautious about your hamburger and fresh produce.  Cassie

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heartbeataway

I'm so sorry Cassie!  It's senseless.  Just like our 31 year old son walking around with a dying heart and not even knowing it. 

It's senseless!

Thank you!

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THE DOCTOR SAID HE NEVER SAW A TUMOR LIKE KOURTNEYS BURST...NEVER...HE NEVER SAW ANYONE 7 MONTHS OUT GET ANOTHER BLEED....NEVER......I TOLD KOURTNEY WE WERE GETTING THE TUMOR OUT AND GOING HOME W/ A SMOKIN HOTT HAIRCUT....DIDNT HAPPEN...

GOD ONLY KNOWS Y HE NEEDED OUR BABIES...WE JUST HAVE TO SUFFER AND HAVE FAITH AND TRY TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM....

I HAVE HAD SEVERAL BAD DAYS...ITS THE TIME OF YR NOV 15TH THE TUMOR BURST....IM VERY DOWN AND I CANT SHAKE IT....I KEEP HAVING BAD DREAMS..ABOUT KOURT AND MY BROTHER LARRY (ALSO DECEASED DIABETES 42YRS OLD)...

PLZ PRAY FOR ME AND I WILL YOU

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heartbeataway

Lorri,

Keep your strength up ........ it will get softer.

Bonnie

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Lori-

I am thinking about you. I have always heard that it will always get worse before it gets better. You and I are at the worse part of it. Just hang in there. I will be praying for you. Take care!   Cassie

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I too have nightmares about the hospital. That day when I went with my 14 week old son is forever replaying inside of me. They worked on him for an hour. When they told me he was gone there was this loud noise. Only later was I told that it was me screaming. Walking out the door of the hospital with Chad and looking around wondering why everything looked so different. Holding my precious son and singing one last song to him. Kissing him one last time. Feeling like I was abandoning him when I went home. Reading the autopsy report where is stated SIDS. I can't get these out of my head. It's harder and harder to remember his beautiful smile when all I see is death.

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