Living a pointless life

[sim-law]

I just lost my Heart after 12 years of being constantly together. We met on a CFS research site quite by accident, a one in a million chance and corresponded by email then phone for 9 months. I was living in the UK and she was in the US. She decided to come over to see me as she had more energy than me in those days, we decided on returning and living in her condo in NJ as it was the best option for us.

We were married in Woodstock, NY by her cousin who had the parish church, on Halloween 2012 and due to both of us being on disability we were constant companions.

Now I am alone and due to being largely housebound do not really have any sort of social life or friends. I have been on disability for 21 years and in that time I have also lost contact with nearly everyone in the UK, my best friend has Parkinson's disease and my Mother is in a home with Alzheimer's and talking with her by phone is virtually impossible now.

I can see no life either here in the US or the UK even if I could cope with the move. I am now 61 too young to die, too old to get another chance at life just trying to get through each long and lonely day and cope with the terrible pain.

How does anyone try and live out a pointless life that has lost all meaning and joy?

[HeyJude]

It sucks, I know.  A lot of us feel we are living pointless lives void of all meaning and joy.  How do we do it??  One day at a time, my friend, one day at a time.

 

You are still very new to this grief.  I know it is so cliché to say it but "it does get better".  Early in, like you are, it isn't uncommon at all to wish you were dead.  A lot of us did/do that.  Pretty normal I guess as long as you don't act on it.

 

My suggestion to you would be to make new friends on another CFS support site.  The really crappy part of this whole ordeal is we have to bust out of our comfort zone and that is so hard.  And it takes a looooooooooooooong time.  I haven't busted out of mine yet and I'm 16 months into this!!  Keep posting here as well.  There are a lot of really nice folks who know exactly what your dealing with.

[Shattered14]

I am someone who is dealing with the loss of my love too.  I too feel my life is pointless and meaningless.  I am so sad, angry and overwhelmed.   I truly am lost.   I have always been someone who could pull it together, keep myself focused and handle things.  Now, I just want to die.  Thankfully, I haven't acted upon it.  I am someone who believes I would be punished by God and would never see my husband again.  So, instead, I am here in what I feel is hell on earth.  I feel like this is a punishment but I don't know what I did to deserve it.  I keep getting up every day disappointed that I have to and angry at the world.  I go to work as I must.  However, my heart and mind are always focused on Michael every minute of the day.  I think about things I wish I could go back and change.  Kiss a little longer and hug a little tighter if only I had known it would be our last one.  I am someone who believes in God so I do believe that he is in Heaven, and he is safe and loved.  But I still wonder what he knows, what he sees, what he does.  So many people say that those who have passed are really still with us although we can't see them.  I am holding onto that right now as tightly as I can because it is all I have.  I need to believe it is so and that God will allow me to see him again when my time comes.  I just wish that time was now but it is not my choice to make.  I take each day one at a time.  I try not to look forward because it is too hard to imagine living the rest of my life without him.  So I try to think only of today.  Sometimes only of the next hour or the next few minutes. 

[sim-law]

Thank you for your replies, I was always an optimistic kind of person who wanted to live forever, although I have had many problems and sad things in my life. Now each day seems to be worse than the last, I know it is still early for me but if the pain keeps on getting worse I do not see any possible future. The ONLY thing I get out of bed for is my cat who I worry about his future wellbeing.

Several years ago I broke my leg very badly and the agony of it was hardly controlled even by morphine but I would swap that pain for this in a second.

My wife was not only the most beautiful woman I ever met but also the kindest and most honest who would light up a room with her smile but her quality of life was not good for the last 2 or 3 years but she never complained about the big stuff just if she chipped her nail polish or trivial things. She deserved health and happiness and I pray that I was able to help and comfort her enough and wished I done more for her.

Kind wishes to you both.

[brijac]

I lost my dear wife four months ago after 49 years of a wonderful marriage. I have just had my dear wifes Birthday on 3rd.May and it was horrible. I tried my best to keep busy but the floods of grief kept coming over me.  As I said previously I have been unable to even look at my wifes belongings let alone  sort them out. I have had one quick session with a counsellor . My main problem was I was unable to get my mind off the image of my wife in hospital and eventually dying. The image was like watching a movie but it just came back to the ending and no matter how I tried I could not get beyond this. The counsellor said that the mind was like a camera which at the moment is in close-up of my wifes ending. She said over a course of time ,the camera will pan out and give me the bigger picture. Has anyone else had these images and been able to tune in to more happy times? I will hope and pray for the image to change in my mind

[rlsmith]

I know how you feel. My life seems so empty and pointless. All the plans we made have been ripped away. May 14th would have been our twentieth anniversary. All our kids are grown. This was supposed to be our time. Now all I have is empty rooms and memories of what used to be. I can't go on like this the rest of my life. It's like a cruel joke that doesn't end.

[Sammijo2424]

I understand how you feel, my husband passed away 15 months ago, we were married 22 years. Since that time I felt so alone, lost, begging God to please let me die, and yes, I felt my life was pointless, just sitting here pleading to die. I have spent a whole lot of that time lying in bed, doing absolutely nothing. I only have one friend and she can't do much because she has 2 small children, my kids are grown and all moved away. I have no other friends, I have had nothing.

So, a few weeks ago I came to the realization that I am the only one who can change things, I know I cannot continue with this nothing life, I have to do something so have decided to really try to make a life here for myself, if I cannot I am moving to be closer to my children. I have made the decision to get involved with church, really involved (I stopped going about a year ago because I was angry with God and felt my church had abandoned me), making a list of women I know and will start calling a few of them and maybe build a relationship, start volunteering again, started back to gym, trying to take better care of me, for over a year I have done little for myself, time to start getting to know me, and made a commitment to start praying for my mother in law every day and going to see her once a week for a month and then see how I feel, she is in a nursing home and I have only gone to see her one time since hubby died, I have a lot of resentment towards her, too much to get into, I figured out I am only hurting myself with this resentment.

Anyway, I know things can only get better from here, won't take much for that to happen after being in the depths of despair for over a year. I still grieve, miss him, but I know he would be so, so sad at seeing me this way and time to get a point to my life.