My Mother died and nobody cares about me.

[SufferingSucks]

I'm an 18 year old female from Australia.

 

My Mother passed away a month ago very unexpectedly. She had a massive heart attack and became brain-dead. Having to turn off her life support was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. 

 

She was very sick, for about 5 years. I was aware of her illnesses, but I became desensitized to it over time. I got used to her being so sick. I got used to hearing her suffer and cry in agony. I just adjusted to it. I became 'numb' to it. 

 

She had a blood disorder that complicated her health issues extensively. She had amputations, lived through gangrene, had MRSA (staph infection resistant to antibiotics) repeatedly, and an endless list of implications that delayed her healing. She was the most selfless person I will ever meet. She ALWAYS complimented me(even when I'm an ugly fat ****), told me that she loved me everyday, even when all her existence consisted of was agony. 

 

She was disabled and used to fall out of her wheelchair because of her medication(s). I'd check on her all the time. I just feel like I didn't hug her enough or tell her I loved her enough. I broke her heart by dropping out of school. I broke her heart by telling her she was a bad mother. She never had anything negative to say about me at all. She was proud of me even though I disappointed her time after time. She died thinking I hated her.

 

A few days before she died, she told me "your dad never called me beautiful, only on our wedding day". That tears my heart out. I never called her beautiful. Nobody did. Nobody truly acknowledged her importance. 

 

My Mother suffered extensively. What was the point? I'm going down the same route. I'm suffering more than words can describe and nobody cares. I've got my dad and my brother, but that's it. I don't have any friends, or family that care. Nobody cares. 

 

I know you're going to suggest "seeing a psychologist" -- well, I've done that. I'm on antidepressants (Zoloft - prescribed for depression before the death of my mother). I don't want to go back to my psychologist. He is a patronizing, money-hungry douche, *just* like every other psychologist. He only called once to 'see how I was'. That was a couple of weeks ago. I'm so sick of people acting like they care when they don't! (Actions speak louder than words)

 

People say "I'm sorry! Are you okay?" They don't *actually* care if I'm okay. They just can't think of anything better to say.  I also *hate* it when people tell me, "Your mother is looking down on you." She's not. She's deteriorating 6 feet under. She's dead. I'm never going to see her again. 

 

The thing that sucks the most, is, I have to go back to my local "community college" to finish my G.E.D. I was halfway through before my mother died. I don't want to go back. My teacher told the whole class that my mother died, when I didn't want anyone to know (except a couple -- not the WHOLE class). The people in my class think I'm satanic because I wear metal shirts and black, and my teacher expects them to show me sympathy? Get real. 

 

I can't deal with all of this bullshit, seriously. I'm really *not* looking forward to going back to school. I'm so sick of the pretentiousness of people, the fake bullshit. I just want someone to care about me. I want someone to give a **** about me if I decide to slit my throat from ear to ear and die. I just keep on thinking about death and the futility of life. I only exist to suffer. *MY* Life is futile. 

 

This is just *way* too rushed. My Mother died a month ago, I've missed a huge chunk of school, and I'm still not ready to go back. I don't want the attention. Help. And please don't say "Your mother would have wanted you to finish the course", My mother is DEAD. It wouldn't matter if I threw myself in front of a train, it would not affect her in any way shape or form.

 

How am I supposed to do this? Return back to a routine? How? I can't. 

[missingmymama]

I  feel the same way in that I dont think anybody really cares about me. At least you have a dad, I dont even have one. My mom is my everything , shes the only person who really loves me uncondtionally and now shes passed away. The loss is not replacable.

 

I understand how you feel when you say your mother wouldnt care if you threw yourself in front of a train. I feel the same way , I made a promise to my mom that I will live on but does she really care now that shes passed away?

 

I remember being bullied extensively during highschool. Even though I am 30 now , I still haven't gotten over those experience. My mother's death has also completely paralyzed me to the point where I want to end my life, I cannot imagine what hardship you are going through.

 

I have no suggestion, but one friend said something that made me think: He said to me, yes your mother has passed away but she still exists in you.

 

"She exists through your memories, your knowledge, and your love for her

 

and the love from her that shaped you"

 

You can stay alive and your mom will live through you. And I am sure your mother knew you love her on a deep level.

[MissuDad]

Hi,

 

I won´t say any of the things you don´t want anyone to say, but I´ll say that only a month has passed, you have every right to feel the way you and you need to get it out of your system.

 

Getting back to a routine is awful, horrible and when you do it, you´ll feel you won´t be able to carry the day through. Your focus should now be baby steps, set small goals to achieve on your routine, for exemple, you go to school and think, at least I´ll attend one class and see how it goes, as time goes by you´ll be able to extend this periods.

 

You don´t have to be hard on yourself, now it´s a time for being selfish and put your needs first even if your mom does not see what you´re doing with your life, if you hate the fact that no one ever called her/you beautiful, you can try and change that, tell us about the things your mom did for you, how she was and what you did for her and how you are, this will help you telling your experience and even though your mom´s gone it will never be too late for her to be called beautiful or for you to acknowledge her importance simply by telling your stories.

 

Death is not the end of love or the relationship, just the presence, you´ll always love her and you should tell her that everyday.

 

I´m really sorry for your loss, but I promess it will get a bit easier to deal with.

 

Hang in there and feel free to text me.

 

A big warm hug

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss and YES, suffering does suck!  I've never experienced such difficult feelings until my mom passed on.  Of those feelings the deep sadness was the hardest for me.  Her death also got me thinking about my own life and wondering what is the point.  We are born, we live, and then we die.  But now that several months have passed I do see the point of life.  My mom left many legacies.  Her good nature, her loving kindness and being a great mom.  In reading your post I see a legacy of bravery and great courage your mom left behind.  She went through so much with her many serious health problems, yet she was the most selfless person you have ever known and complimented you and told you that she loved you often.  She does sound so very selfless. 

 

You also sound like a strong person in that you saw your mother suffer for those 5 years.  I don't know if I could have been able to do that.  Strength is something probably inherited from your mom.  She may be gone but she left you with strength and I am guessing that as time passes you will see many other precious things that she left you.

 

Take care and even though the people here are strangers and you haven't met us, we do care.  We care because we've all had difficult times with our losses.  Oh yes, if you aren't ready to go back to your regular routine, then don't.  There is no set time frame for getting through such a loss.  Take your time and go easy on yourself, you sound like such a good person.

 

Cindy

[Heartlight]

Dear Suffering,

 

(and warm wishes to missingmymama, MissuDad and cindyjane)

 

You are right to wonder how to continue.  It is extremely common to question your own existence and where you fit and who now cares about you.  Even if we are surrounded by family and friends that do care, being in the middle of the traumatic part of loss means we do not have the ability to think clearly or to feel beyond the great tearing pain that has shattered our world.  This is not the same world and we do not know how to exist in it.  We didn't get a slow introduction to it and a growing up within it, our previous world was ripped from us and we are left in a barren landscape with no help, no hope, no understanding and the most soul-crushing pain we have experienced in our life.

 

You are right to be confused.

 

You are right to be angry at people who don't know what to say.  The reason you're right to be angry about it is because anything and everything you are feeling right now is right.

 

You have written about how unconditional your mother was towards you, how within her own agony, she found the place and the space to tell you about how important you are and how she loved you.

 

She may not be here with you now, but those conditions still exist.  You are still the person that, within her own suffering, brought such joy to her heart that she experienced that love enough to tell you everyday.

 

You are still that person.

 

And that is what people mean when they say "your mother would have wanted..."  Not that they are trying to speak for your mother, but that you are a person worthy of all things that your mother could want for you.

 

And your mother told you that.  Don't let that die with her.

 

It's going to be painful, it's going to be harsh, you're going to be angry, maybe even at me, and it's going to be the most difficult thing you've ever had to do: live.  And sometimes the only thing you can do is let yourself breakdown, and not judge yourself for your anger, and reach out when finally you are desperate.  And you will hear from all of us: it is so hard, please please be gentle, please give yourself time, please give yourself the same understanding that your mother would have given you, please allow yourself the time and the space to be honest about your feelings.

 

The insane irony about loss is that it is because of their love for us and our love for them that makes us not want to live this life after we experience such pain... but, eventually, it is their love for us and our love for them that becomes the reasons and the strength we need to live on.

 

Please give yourself the love that your mother gave you.  She tried to show you, to teach you that you deserved it.  And be gentle with yourself while you take the slow, hard, harsh and painful journey towards feeling love without the pain again.

 

<3