Help me: My Mother died a month ago and nobody cares about me.

[SufferingSucks]

I'm an 18 year old female from Australia.

 

My Mother passed away a month ago very unexpectedly. She had a massive heart attack and became brain-dead. Having to turn off her life support was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. 

 

She was very sick, for about 5 years. I was aware of her illnesses, but I became desensitized to it over time. I got used to her being so sick. I got used to hearing her suffer and cry in agony. I just adjusted to it. I became 'numb' to it. 

 

She had a blood disorder that complicated her health issues extensively. She had amputations, lived through gangrene, had MRSA (staph infection resistant to antibiotics) repeatedly, and an endless list of implications that delayed her healing. She was the most selfless person I will ever meet. She ALWAYS complimented me(even when I'm an ugly fat ****), told me that she loved me everyday, even when all her existence consisted of was agony. 

 

She was disabled and used to fall out of her wheelchair because of her medication(s). I'd check on her all the time. I just feel like I didn't hug her enough or tell her I loved her enough. I broke her heart by dropping out of school. I broke her heart by telling her she was a bad mother. She never had anything negative to say about me at all. She was proud of me even though I disappointed her time after time. She died thinking I hated her.

 

A few days before she died, she told me "your dad never called me beautiful, only on our wedding day". That tears my heart out. I never called her beautiful. Nobody did. Nobody truly acknowledged her importance. 

 

My Mother suffered extensively. What was the point? I'm going down the same route. I'm suffering more than words can describe and nobody cares. I've got my dad and my brother, but that's it. I don't have any friends, or family that care. Nobody cares. 

 

I know you're going to suggest "seeing a psychologist" -- well, I've done that. I'm on antidepressants (Zoloft - prescribed for depression before the death of my mother). I don't want to go back to my psychologist. He is a patronizing, money-hungry douche, *just* like every other psychologist. He only called once to 'see how I was'. That was a couple of weeks ago. I'm so sick of people acting like they care when they don't! (Actions speak louder than words)

 

People say "I'm sorry! Are you okay?" They don't *actually* care if I'm okay. They just can't think of anything better to say.  I also *hate* it when people tell me, "Your mother is looking down on you." She's not. She's deteriorating 6 feet under. She's dead. I'm never going to see her again. 

 

The thing that sucks the most, is, I have to go back to my local "community college" to finish my G.E.D. I was halfway through before my mother died. I don't want to go back. My teacher told the whole class that my mother died, when I didn't want anyone to know (except a couple -- not the WHOLE class). The people in my class think I'm satanic because I wear metal shirts and black, and my teacher expects them to show me sympathy? Get real. 

 

I can't deal with all of this bullshit, seriously. I'm really *not* looking forward to going back to school. I'm so sick of the pretentiousness of people, the fake bullshit. I just want someone to care about me. I want someone to give a **** about me if I decide to slit my throat from ear to ear and die. I just keep on thinking about death and the futility of life. I only exist to suffer. *MY* Life is futile. 

 

This is just *way* too rushed. My Mother died a month ago, I've missed a huge chunk of school, and I'm still not ready to go back. I don't want the attention. Help. And please don't say "Your mother would have wanted you to finish the course", My mother is DEAD. It wouldn't matter if I threw myself in front of a train, it would not affect her in any way shape or form.

 

How am I supposed to do this? Return back to a routine? How? I can't. 

[jjl]

Hey

I can't understand your pain because your relationship with your mother is uniquely yours and your life experiences are your own. It sucks when you need someone so desperately and there's no one or they don't have the strength to be truly supportive and listen to angry rants or crying or they don't have the stamina to be supportive.

Right now I can only think that you need to focus on you and being that support beam for yourself. Allow yourself to feel these feelings. They suck and are painful, but they're part of the process. Have you thought of joining a support group? Keep writing here or message me. You can talk to me.

I'm sorry I wish I could say more. I'm lost too.

[kenram]

Hello, my names kenya, and although I don't know you presonally I would like to say some words to you. Don't give up don't ever give up where all imperfect and we make mistakes and although some mistakes seem worse than ohrs, there is only one person who can judge us. You'll be happy to know that. He is loving kind and forgives the most awful thing. Psalms 103.3 says he forgives all your errors and heals all your ailment. 103:9,"he will not find fault nor he will stay resentful forever." How glad are we to know that are superoior creator doeesnt hate altough we are imperfect humans. If he believes in you, and he doesn't hate you or is resentful why should we then be resentful towards our selves? I'm 19 years old and I recently have discovered how life is though, and its so. Easy to think that there is no solution and what's the point of living? But I have discovered 3 reasons to keep on living. Things could change suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary promblem. Even the worst situations that seem impossible to fix can be temporary or change unexpectadly. And what if the situation doesn't get better? Well in mathew 6:34 jesus said," so never be anxious about he next day for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles."

Although right now u feel and miserable think your future..your future family? Career?life? Concentarte on things u can change. Try contol your situation don't let it control u.

The second is:there IS Help!

Maybe you think death is the only solution. But there is help and you can reach for it.prayer, you have no idea how much this has helped this. This isn't just away to feel better but it can a last resource to desperate situation this is way to communicate to the only being that truly cares about you-God. He WANTS you to tell him all your needs, and insecurities. He invites us to do it in psalm 55:22,"throw your burden on jehovah and he will sustain you." Why don't you pray to God at this moment? Use his name, Jehovah, and spill your heart to hime.psalms 62:8 tells us to pur our heart before him he is are refuge. Why not try it, we have nothing to lose. And you know he wants us to come close to him and his friend, something that is rare to find in this world huh? Lol prayer is a lovely resource we have in our hand whenever and wherever. Isaiah 555:6 says call to hime while he is near.

Third reason is there is hope. Again your future, when you where younger, a child did you think you expect al this probbly not. Now think years from now...how will that be? Well the bible recognizes life is short and filled with promblems job 14:1 says ,"man born of woman, is shortlived and filled with trouble" man is the Bible right, or what? Well altough this is true the Bible also gives a hope for the future not only for you but for all humanity. For example isaiah65:21to 25 tells us how Jehovah promises to make the earth a paradise. Also revelation 21:3 and 4 reveals:and he will wipe out every tear from their eyes and death will be no more...the former things have passed away." Its not just a dream Jehovah will it make real not only does he have the power to do so but he also wishes to do it. Isn't this such a strong and vaid reason to keep fighting and living?

Your emotions may be controlling you at the moment and you might be like a ship stuck in a thunder storm, but the hope that the Bible gives you , should be treated like an anchor that will hold u firm and strong. I encourage to investigate more about what the Bible has in store for us u could more information on internet on Jw.org.

Take care and don't forget that there is someone who cares deeply about you!

[Sonjawild]

hiya,

 

believe it or not I am going through the same thing, granted i am not in school, i work.

There are a couple of things I have learn't from this life (in my opionion):

 

1/. Time is the worlds most precious comodity - not money- you can only spend it once.

2/. Lifes a bitch some times

3/. When the Sh.. hits the fan it tends to do it properly- with me its normally in 3s - Its like buses- they all come at once

4/.Pain intensity will subside in time

 

 When the there is death or trouble, I see it as a storm, I am that boat in that storm with heavy waves that are able to crush me

or a single engine light aircraft experienceing severe turbulance, ones that can also crush and destroy. The aim is to be strong, courages, look at death, accept the **** is hitting the fan, and do the best you can to angle the boat with the waves, fly the plane and keep the engine steady. Deal with the aftermath when the storm has subsided. Death is that storm.

You now know the type of inner core strength you have, it is pretty strong and you can do it when you need it, and you have done it.

Now you need to get yourself to port/ land the plane and fix the damage- i.e look after yourself, do things you like/want, to help heal.

 

Your mother, by what you say, loved you very much, this will not change, despite her being gone. You are young and still finding your way, your mother knew that too. Losing someone at that age (lost my dad at 19) is very tough, and is at a pivatol point in your life. Despite this, you have already shown so much strength, you are what I would call hard core. The thing is with  'death watch'- (its the phase I call when someone has a few months/ year to live up to the end); is that you do become 'adjusted' to the persons suffering. Its a coping mechanism, I did it with my mum, my dad, all my relatives, because you have to deal with it at the time and be strong for them- which you were. You are realising this now because you are mourning and screwtinising every little action you did/ did not do. Don't feel guilty, the most important thing is that she saw you. The most precious thing you gave her was your time.

 

People, pschiatrists, won't understand this process and type of pain until they experience it for themselves- and it can be bloody frustrating. I have talked to my husband time again and he just doesnt get it. So I have finally accepted that he is too niave for this topic, which is a good thing, people are lucky if they are like this.

I have also been prescribed anti depressants, because my usual techniques are not as effective as they used to be. I am also on sick leave beacuse work treated me badly (used work as coping mechanism- probably a bad idea!) and it all went pete tong (wrong). But I had a lot more than death to deal with and subsequently got overwhelemed.

Normally I am pretty good with death, as I have pretty much lost all my family apart from 2 grandmothers- one in austria, one here in UK both have dementia, both are in care homes one in austria almost bed bound. So yeah I know ****.

 

 

Sounds like your school knows and you have the same problem I have- not wanting to go back.

You also sound very educated and cleaver- if you need time- then take time for yourself- do good stuff, things you like to do. I am also in a position where I dont have many friends- infact I have 1 friend nearby- all others know, but they are too embroiled in their own lives to care about me. Again, I dont think they understand.

Its been barley a month, you are still raw, one thing I have learnt in my 33 years is that communication is the key, and believe me it sounds easier than done. I recomend you have some time out and build a 'barrier' go somewhere for a couple days, do something random like canooing- do *you* orientated stuff, but dont go silly and take drugs/ alcohol, thats the worst thing you can do and it messes with your head- and you wont get out of it well. -I have seen the effects of that one too....but thats another story.

 

Here is some more advice that helps me through on a daily basis:

Life is a journey and not a destination

and Life is like a roller coaster- it will make you go up and down like a yoyo

But what does not kill you will make you stronger

Lifes a bitch

 

One great thing you have done is come on here- i think this place is great as you meet others who are going through the same thing, that wont condescend you or patronise you who are actually empathetic.

 

These are my sayings, my grandmother in austria used to have a saying for every sour apple she faced- that was her coping mechanism. I miss her dearly.

 

With regards to your comment: "My mother is DEAD" Yes, your mother is 'dead' as you put it, its a strong and cold word, and you, yourself are trying to come to terms with it. Accept your feelings becuase if you dont, it will bite you harder. I have done just that, but that was because I physically did not have the time to do so.

 

I have ignored my feelings until I could no longer, I had a complicated relationship with my mother and it seems I am having a complicated grieving process.

When I talk about work- it seems to trigger my emotions. That and the stress I was put under at work has now left me with extreme anxiety aimed at the work place. If I dont think about it- i am ok. Finding a routine will be difficult, but it will help.

What I was told is this:

• Get up the same time every day
• Have breakfast
• Do some excersise- for me its walking in the woods/ nature reserve is best watch nature
• Make a to do list and tell yourself what to do draw a box and when you have done it tick the box so you have a visual positive
• Try and get a councellor to talk to  or call someone who will listen in UK we have something called the samaritans- do you have something like that in OZ- google knows all!!!
• Do good for someone else (human, animal, envronement), it will help you on the road to recovery.
• Listen to music, you ever heard sunscrean? that is very moving- lots of advice.
• Do a hobby

 

 

What I will say is this, be good to yourself and if you do have a faith- use it, its rituals will help you through it, I may actually go back to church this sunday, cant hurt- will give a bigger support network, especially considering my one is pretty naff.

 

If you want to talk some more here is my eml:

tanja

susanna at yahoo dot co dot uk - its all one word lower case x

Take care hunny, you are not alone and there are other people in the same boat as you thinking of you xx