Grieving and the Rollercoaster of Student Life

[cutiebird]

I lost my dad six months ago to systemic sclerosis (aka scleroderma). He died on Oct 22, 2013 in the evening, the night before my dissertation proposal. I was able to sit with him a few hours before his last breath, and he did not look very good at this point. He was unresponsive and he was breathing solely with the help of the oxygen tank. I remember seeing him in this state, thinking that I've never seen him look so dire. I feared that this could be the end, but if not, I also worried how much worse it could get. He passed away that same night shortly after my maternal aunt left the house and two of his friends dropped by. It was an unbelievable situation, and I have never before heard my mom yell in such panic and distress when he started coughing out blood and other things. It was as if he waited for me and my brother and my mom--all to be present at home that night. He hung on until my brother picked me up from my apartment and brought me to see him for what I didn't know would be the last time. For several minutes I was in such utter disbelief that he was gone that I had no feelings, no words, no substantial thoughts. It was confusing and too soon. Even though he suffered for eight long years, it felt too soon. All the reasonings I previously held and continuously reminded myself about him being at ease and free from suffering and welcoming death, it was not what I wanted at that moment. It was too soon.

 

Throughout his viewing, wake, and funeral, people would ask me to say my final goodbye to him. I don't know what they were expecting to hear from me. Did they want a show of grand emotion for all to see? Was it not enough that I made my peace with him silently? That I said my goodbye to him every day for eight years slowly? Somehow, others always find a way to make me feel like an inadequate or bad daughter. But not once have I heard him say that to me. He never told me to quit grad school and stay at home so that I could take care of him 24/7. He never berated me for living so far away so that I could start my life as a young adult. He never questioned or judged me for abandoning our family's religion and embarking on my own spiritual path. But they did and I imagine they still do.

 

Being mindful of my current emotional state, I am feeling very alone right now. And I want to be away from people that make me feel like I didn't do my best given the circumstances. Despite everything that happened, I was able to make it through school, work, and more. Is that not a sign of character, resilience, and strength? I want to move on but I am stuck. I am starting to see a pattern in my behaviors. Whenever I am "plagued" with a period of empty time, I get really depressed. I say "plagued," and I find it quite interesting and ironic. I have always found free days a period of joy and time for me to do whatever I pleased. I often longed for such free days during the week to do things I always wanted to do or catch up on. But in the past few months, I have been less and less interested in doing anything to make the day useful or worthwhile.

 

Now, I find myself staring at the list of things I have to do. I still maintain a well-organized to-do list and manage to get through some of them, but certainly not all and definitely not with great energy or motivation. My mind feels like it's constantly in a haze. And I really don't care to get out of it. Some days, I get frustrated with myself and how long it now takes me to complete some tasks. Some days, I just cry. It's too much.

 

I am still grieving my dad's death. And it makes me feel so alone sometimes when I hear that my brother and mother are getting on with their lives, seemingly all too quickly and well. I thought that out of anyone else in the world, they would be understanding of how I feel and what we have gone through as a family, but it seems that they are the farthest people on the planet from me. It's been only 6 months, and my mother now has a new person in her life. They live together in her home. My brother is moving in the next few months for college and has told me time and time again that he doesn't care much about what any of us plans to do with our lives. All he wants to do is touch base on yearly holidays and get on with his life.

 

I am faced with the insurmountable pain of grief that I have no idea how to manage better. For all my clinical experiences with grief and loss through patient care, I cannot find my own way. My close friends have been a blessing, but some days, I feel bad telling them that I still hurt from my dad's death. They try their best to get me out of the apartment and stay active, do fun things, and make new positive memories. But at the end of the day, I still feel pained.

 

It's not like I haven't been trying to make better things happen for me. I've been applying for employment opportunities several times a week, continuing with school, and finding ways to improve myself personally and career-wise. Being on the verge of moving to another state and waiting for my health insurance to kick in has provided no solace. I sought a local grief support group but it was a 1-year commitment, which I don't have. I sought local psychotherapists but I can't afford to talk to them. And I feel that no matter how much I throw myself into such opportunities for growth, I get slammed down. I'm trying, I'm trying. But some days, I feel like I'm just meant to stay down. It sucks. Giving up is not an option for me, but I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong. I guess I just wanted to post here and find some sort of comfort and understanding from others who may be able to relate to me. And because I don't only feel the loss of my dad, I feel like I've lost my whole family.  

 

[MissuDad]

Hi cutiebird,

 

I´m really sorry for your loss

 

It seems to me that you´re putting too much pressure on yourself and on your grief. 6 months is nothing, sometimes it´s only when the reality sinks in and you realise that the person you loved won´t be around anymore

 

You´ve been a very brave and determined person, you can´t feel bad for feeling bad, you have all the right to be depressed and you can´t compare your grief to other´s, they might seem to be moving on, but one never knows what lies within, like we sometimes "wear a mask" they may be doing the same exact thing...

 

Grief is hard enough for itself so when other stuff happens it can be very overwhelming, since my dad died, my mom got sicker and will have no remove a kidney, I started having work problems (with my boss), I lost my finantial stability and my sister and niece don´t really understand what I´m going through and help with extra problems, so I know how that can put us down and leave us more anxious

 

I wish I had more wise words, but I think we have to cling to hope and wish for a better day.

 

Hang in there and if you ever need to vent, feel free to text me.

 

A big hug

[BaileyB]

Cutiebird,

I'm so sorry to read of the loss of your dad. Scleroderma is a horrible disease - words can not begin to express the sympathy I feel for the suffering your father endured or the pain that you have experienced as his illness progressed.

You sound like a very strong, very wise, and very caring daughter. I'm sure that your father was so proud of all that you have accomplished, with your schooling and your life.

It's interesting, because with every different story, there is a common experience. I can really empathize with the pain you have felt as your mother has already moved on with her life, and the distance between you and your brother. My family has done the same - I too have felt like I lost not only my mother, but the family that we used to be. It's very hard when people grieve in different ways. It's very hard to be so sad and feel like you have lost so much, only to see those you love acting as though they have moved on and forgotten. I can only say, it may not look like it, I believe that they grieve too. Grief is a very personal thing, and it is sometimes very hard to know how someone is really feeling. With my father, I have tried very hard to understand that he is lonely, and scared, and lost in a world without my mother - because that is also how I feel much of the time. Although he makes me crazy with some of the things he does... I try to be kind and compassionate because he is still my father, and I do love him dearly. It's not easy... I have had a terribly hard time accepting his new girlfriend, but I do my best because I do want him to find whatever happiness he can find.

I also understand the feeling that some days, you feel bad telling your friends that you still hurt. To the world, life moves on... But to those who grieve, the pain does not go away. Be kind to yourself, you will hurt for a very long time. But keep trying... Even if it's one little moment of joy or one nice thing you can do that you enjoy... It will get better. I had a two year span where it felt like nothing positive was EVER going to happen... I cried and I hurt everyday. But, slowly, I find myself smiling more, and making new plans, and being excited about the future. It will be the same for you.

Take care.

[cutiebird]

Hi BaileyB and MissuDad,

 

Thank you so much for your response on my post. Your feedback means a lot to me. I've been wanting to hear from others who are currently or have experienced what I'm currently going through, because I have been finding that others just don't seem to understand how much this has affected me. I am grateful for your insight on the matter, and for letting me know that this will definitely take a while. I guess I have been extra hard on myself and trying to speed up my grief process. Learning that this will take a long time has given me the comfort that I can definitely take my time in figuring out things one step at a time.

 

I'm wondering what either of you have found most helpful during the first few months of your grief? I really worry about the quality of my work nowadays and yet I could give a damn about getting things done when I am on a deadline. I'm still in school, and will be graduating (hopefully) in summer 2016. i really don't want to take time off school because that would put me another year behind. Thanks!

 

[BaileyB]

Hi cutiebird,

So glad you found our comments helpful... For what they are worth, we are just sharing our experience. Everyone's experience is different, and yet in some ways the same... And it is hard when you are experiencing something that your friends have not experienced. I too was among the first of my friends to loose a parent and find myself longing sometimes to have someone to talk with who has shared a similar experience.

I'm not sure that I have any particular words of wisdom to share. The first few months were hard. I don't actually remember much about that time... Days just kind of passed from one to the other... I cried often and I just tried to get from one day to the next. I would often joke that I was only going to do what I wanted to do... Other than work (which I had to do), I found that I had a certain clarity about things... I had no guilt about saying no to things that were stressful or took energy that I did not have to spend. Personally, I walked... a lot. I journaled. I worked on some photo book projects... I just liked thinking about my mom and looking at pictures. I tried to force myself to go out with good friends... I wanted to stay home and isolate because grief is exhausting... But I always felt better when I connected with a good friend. At first, I had to really work hard to show interest in their life (problems that seemed big to my friends felt very small and insignificant to me) but with time, it got easier as I got back into the daily routine of life.

My best advice is just this... Be kind to yourself. Find the time everyday for something you enjoy. Cry when you need to cry, smile and laugh when you can. Be sure you eat well, sleep regularly, exercise, and try to spend time with friends who try to help. And know that if you can do this, it gets better with time. There will be many ups and downs... Just when I think I'm doing well, I hurt in a different way and it brings me to my knees... Grief really is like waves... Ride the waves as best you can, in time, they get easier to manage. And know that there is no timeline on grief. I too have felt pressure to be "over it" but I'm always going to carry these scars. And that's ok. My mom meant a lot to me, of course her death would affect me profoundly. That is as it should be. That's what I think. But, in the early days, it's just about self care.

I can't imagine being a student with the pressure of deadlines. If there is a counselling service on campus, don't feel bad about accessing the service. It's there to be used! And if your grades fall a little... Know that nobody has ever in the ten years since I've graduated asked me if I was a straight A student. Just give yourself permission to get through it as best you can - someday you will look back and realize that although you will love your dad forever, this is just a period of time in your life. A crappy period of time, but one that you will ultimately remember with pride... Because you suffered a terrible loss and survived!

Best wishes to you. All the best!

[MissuDad]

Hi,

 

That´s a tricky question, what got me through the first months of grief?

 

I tried to keep my normal routines but on a slower pace, for instance, I used to go 5 days a week to the gym, I went back 1 or 2 weeks later, once a week, then, twice a week, after that 3 times a week and after that 4, but only if I have time, my sleep is still very off, so I can´t really do all I did, because my body is never 100% rested.

 

However I started doing yoga everyday for 30 minutes before bed which helps me calm down and unwind.

 

At work I started step by step and when I noticed it was getting on my nerves and leaving me more stressed, I´d stop it and go for a smoke and talk for a while about how I was feeling.

 

I also keep a jornal to write to my dad, I´m doing some work on my home and when grief was very overwhelming I´d do the thing I love the most, sing.

 

I hope it helps you