Just need some help/someone to talk to.

[FlannaghFitzsimmons]

Hi everyone,

My name is Flannagh.. I'm a 21 year old, graduating in a week or so from Lasell College.  About 3 weeks ago I lost my father to cancer. My father was my biggest fan, advocate and best friend. As you can imagine as of right now I am completely lost. I am an only child and my mother is being nothing less than helpful and this is the first time  in my life I have literally not known what to do.

 

My mom is putting a lot on me, saying I'm not there for her, she needs me, etc. But when I was home her main concern was drinking and having people do things for her... my dad died with hospice and I pretty much watched him take his last breath/helped care for him in his final days. MY mom did not ask me once how this was affecting me.

 

Now I feel like I am completely traumatized. I cannot sleep at night, I just have the mental image of my father deteriorating and it's hitting me harder now than ever before. I am graduating in a week and I know he won't be there, which is really killing me inside. I could cry at the drop of a hat, at any minute.

 

My boyfriend has been one of my biggest supporters and I'll never be able to repay him for what he has done for me over the course of the last month. He is my angel. However, I find myself completely shutting down. I feel like I am now a different person... It is so hard.

It is even harder for me to be at my house. I know I cannot move back home, in the place my father passed away, after graduation. But I also know how much it will haunt me to leave my mother alone. She is an alcoholic and I know that I will be sucked into enabling her if I am home.

 

I've had all these dreams and aspirations and I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me... I feel like I should not have to focus on helping my mom, but maybe, for once, my mom trying to help me.

 

Something that restored my faith in humanity though was my school found out my dad would not make it until my graduation, so they held me a mock "graduation" at my house for my dad to see. My friends and family came and my dad got to see me get my "diploma." Here's a picture.

 

I can imagine the sob story this sounds like, which is not my intention. I guess I just need some insight... 

 

 

[BaileyB]

Hi Flannagh,

I just want to reach through the computer and wrap my arms around you... You are dealing with so much at such a young age. I'm so sorry for the loss of your father.

I think it's quite normal to feel like you are shutting down... I know that is how I felt after the death of my mother and slowly, it began to change after many months. You are still very early on in this grieving journey... Be kind to yourself because what you are feeling is exactly what you should be feeling.

I can tell you a few things that I learned from my experience... If it's helpful.

First, you have been through trauma and it will take time for you to heal... And to be honest, you will probably never "heal" but the memories and the sleep problems will get better with time. It's been three years for me and I still have days where something triggers a memory, and I relive my moms illness and passing. But, the waves are smaller and the memories are not as painful. One of the best pieces of advice that I got was to write things down in a journal, but don't read it and relive it - just get it out and try not to create more trauma by focusing on the illness... Try to focus on your good memories. It's gets easier with time.

Then, I can tell you that my dad had a very difficult time after the death of my mom. We wish that our "parents" could be "parents" during times of crisis - to comfort and lead the way. I still have times that I get angry with him and expect more from him. But, sometimes for whatever reason, our parents are not able to do this for us. It's ok to be angry with her and sad with the situation... But sometimes people can't be more than they are. Sometimes, we have to do for ourselves what we wish others would do. You sound very wise and very strong - extremely strong - to recognize this and set some boundaries with the relationship. In the months after my moms death, my desire to care for and support my dad was very strong... But I equate the situation to a drowning - when a man is drowning, you are advised not to try to help because in an effort to keep their head above water, they will bring you down with them. There are ways that we can be loving and supportive... And still do what we need to do to take care of ourselves with safe boundaries.

I would encourage you to try to find someone you can talk with... A counsellor... You are dealing with so many, very hard and complicated things. Seek help - there are people who would be very happy to stand beside you and help you figure things out at this very difficult time.

And finally, congratulations on your graduation. Your dad is so proud - it's obvious in the picture you shared! I believe that he will be with you in spirit on your special day. I expect that you will shed many tears at graduation because it's so hard when happiness is paired with great sadness. But you will find better days ahead if you just hold on to the hope that with time, it will get better. Take the greatest care of yourself. Xo

[Trish91]

Hi Flannagh,

 

I am so very sorry for your loss, but you seem really wise and mature, even though you are extremely young and are just starting your own life. I agree with Bailey, you need to focus on yourself first, so that you can be supportive of your mom, who is going through her own personal 'hell' because of her own illness and your dad's passing. Of course, all responsibility sort of falls on your shoulders because you haven't got any siblings, but even when one has siblings, that doesn't mean that they are going to really support you. I have got a younger brother, who has done a little, but nothing compared to what I did before my mom's lung cancer diagnosis, hospitalization and death. It appears he's had it a lot easier, although I am sure he's grieving in his own way, and feeling his own guilt.

 

My mom and I were the closest, always, we truly loved and will always love one another, even though now she's with me in spirit, not physically, and the same applies to you and your dad. I'm sure he was and is very proud of you. Congrats on your graduation, which will be a bitter sweet day, but it's ultimately a great personal achievement, and the beginning of a whole new chapter in your life.

 

Seek help, talk to a professional, to your friends, your boyfriend and reach out in this forum, where nobody will judge you. That picture of you and your dad on your mock graduation day is fantastic. You seem so happy, and so does he. Of course, he'd lost a lot of weight cos of his illness, but you can tell that he was super proud of you!

 

I wish you the best in this terrible journey that is grieving over the physical loss of somebody we loved and will always love very much. I completely understand what you're going through, even if I'm older and I'm at a different stage in life.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish