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Have you lost a mother to suicide?


lilly1208

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I lost my mother April 10th of this year, it was a month shy of her 43rd bday. I am 25 with a younger brother whom is currently overseas. My mother was my best friend like a sister to me. Losing her has greatly impacted my life, in a fashion I can hardly deal with at times. I've thought about seeing a a therapist but at times, I am too smart for my own good and I know what they are going to tell me, I know the stages of grieving and how I am supposed to handle it so therefore I dont see the point in wasting money away when I already know what I should do and how I should handle, accept, deal and move on with my life....So, many people say it gets easier with time but  a little over 5 months later, it doesnt seem to have gotten easier but harder....I'm trying to plan out my life and she should be here but she isnt. It hurts b/c I feel I failed her to some degree or wasnt there enough for her. There are days where getting out of bed seems like such a difficult task. I am not the same person I was before she passed, i seem to have lost a part of me that I will never be able to regain, no matter how hard I work towards it.

I would like to speak with someone in a similar circumstance that I am in. Someone that may be able to shed some light on something, anything, give some sort of guidance or just understand why it hurts so much.... I have some very wonderful people in my life that have been there for me no matter what but its not the same anymore, they cant possibly begin to understand what I am dealing with. The pain, the saddness, the heartache, the anger, the resentment, the uncontrollable tears, the numbness, being listless and sometimes just "ok."

~All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my Mother~

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dear lilly:  I just joined this site about ten minutes ago, so I hope I am able to get this reply to you properly.  The title of your posting caught my attention instantly, and I was crying before I finished reading what you wrote. At the same time, I felt a kind of "relief" in seeing proof that I am not alone in this horrible situation.  I'm so sorry for what you are going thru, and I know how hard it can be to find anyone who will even listen to your feelings, much less understand the particular type of hell you are going through.  My mother killed herself six years ago, and it changed pretty much everything about how I live (or, more to the point,  "don't live") my own life. I am older than you; I was 44 when my mother died.  My Mom was 69, and she killed herself with increasing overdoses of morphine she got from her doctor.  My father had died of cancer from smoking about 1.5 years previously, and even though my Mom moved with me and my husband to a new state and started an active life with volunteer work and new friends, she refused to stop smoking herself, & she began to develop emphysema. She was also frail and depressed, but she refused to get any counseling or help. She had been my ultimate "Best Friend" my whole adult life, and she was the one who supported me the most through my own constant crises: a lifetime of epilepsy and mental illness; divorce; two bouts of cancer; lots of operations; depressions; mania; etc etc etc, and she never gave up on me. Her message to me was always "You are strong & you can get through Anything!" But after my father died, she withdrew from me emotionally, even tho she lived with us and depended on me to nurse her.  When she found out her emphysema was getting bad, she told me she was "tired of living", that she wanted to be with my father, and that she didn't feel like going thru the pain of giving up smoking or putting up with lung disease. She even asked me to help her die, and when I refused she found a doctor who gave her the pills and told her how to do it.  (I didn't know he did this at the time).  Then she just stopped getting up & stayed in bed, getting weaker every day. I thought she was having strokes or something; she didn't tell me about the pills so I thought she was sick. Her doctor even made several house calls and told me to just keep giving her palliative care.  It took five weeks for her to die, and during that time she refused to let me bring in any "outsider" for nursing help, saying she expected me to take care of her like I did my father.  I was so tired, and still in shock from my father's death; so the most devastating part of all this was when my Mom told me "It's your duty to help me die. You helped your father, and your brother's dead (my twin brother drowned when he was 22), so after I die I think the best thing you could do for yourself would be to find a painless way to kill yourself too."  She told me that life just gets worse as you get older, and that my problems were just going to get more severe, esp. once She was no longer there to help me.  Then she said that my father had discussed this with her right before he died, & that they both felt it would be best if I killed myself after they were both gone.

Sorry for the long narrative; I couldn't think of a shorter way to write it.  I didn't find out what my mother "really" died of until her doctor told me 4 months later, although I pretty much figured it out a few hours after her death when I found her stash of pills.  After she died, I lost any interest in food or having fun.  I still feel like I am just a body moving around waiting to die. I've lost over 60 lbs, but since I had been overweight it took my doctor a long time to believe that I wasn't doing it on purpose. Now that I'm still losing, he's finally getting worried.  He just keeps trying to make me take extreme psych drugs like Thorazine, anti-depressants, & every "miracle drug" they keep churning out.  I've begged him to just help me find someone who will TALK to me about all this, but every therapist I've been to either claims my behavior is due to my "mental illness" or just doesn't want to work with someone with (as one counselor put it) "such a complicated and upsetting history".  I'm a nurse, so I already knew that most doctors are uncomfortable talking about death, esp. suicide, but I'm shocked that NO ONE will agree to help me with long term talking.  I still can't believe that my Mother - the one person who never hesitated to rush to my side & support me with my problems - just deliberately abandoned me here, with no family left, & a marriage that was in deep trouble even then.  Eveyone tells you things will get better with "time", but I can't see it.  My husband's way of "helping" is to nag me constantly that I would get better if I got regular sleep and food.  I can't sleep, and when I do I have started dreaming that my parents are hugging me and telling me it is time to take their advice and then I will be happy again with my family.  But I never agreed with their views on suicide - if I were terminally ill and in intractable physical pain, I wouldn't feel guilty about doing it.  But having seen what my mother's suicide did to Me, and having seen the effects of other suicides on those left behind, I just don't feel I have the moral right to do it now.  Yet I also don't have any idea how to live any kind of life without my parents, esp. my mother.  I am so angry at her for leaving me, yet I also feel guilty for not being more understanding about what she must have been going through.  As you must have found out, it is really hard to grieve over a suicide when you can't find people who are willing to listen, and act like you are being rude for even wanting to mention a topic that makes them uncomfortable.  The only people I've been able to talk to are those who have had it happen in their own lives.  One book I read said that a mother's suicide is the most devastating of all, esp. on a younger person (not just children...the author meant anyone under middle age), or on someone like me who was unusually dependent on their mother in adult life.  Ever since the night my mother died, I feel like I am in some sort of nightmare shock I can't get out of; like I am waiting around to die.  I am desperate to get out of this, but I don't know how to do it without my Mom's help!  

Lilly, I hope this reply didn't make you even more depressed.  I wish I knew some profound wisdom I've learned from this that would help ease your pain.  But I wanted to tell you that you are Definitely NOT alone, and that the feelings of horror and anger, stunned disbelief and the kind of incredible pain that makes you afraid you might start screaming and never stop are a perfectly natural reaction to what has happened to you.  When the person who gave you Life chooses to end their own, it isn't just an abandonment: it's like a terrifying piece of advice on whether  even your own Life is worth living.  If you feel it might help you to discuss this with someone else who has experienced this tragedy, I would be glad to help in any way I can.  I'm so sorry for all the things you have lost, and all the pain I know you are feeling right now.

love, shushu

 

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 so after I die I think the best thing you could do for yourself would be to find a painless way to kill yourself too."  She told me that life just gets worse as you get older, and that my problems were just going to get more severe, esp. once She was no longer there to help me.  Then she said that my father had discussed this with her right before he died, & that they both felt it would be best if I killed myself after they were both gone.

 

Shushu i am so sorry   this that you wrote above is absolutely devastating - i lost my mom last year because she had a bad heart and lungs due to smoke but she had quite several years before but it was just to late - still this is so sad - i am so sorry -- HUGS

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