Lost

[Kai]

A little background, I guess...

 

I lost my Mother unexpectedly in October 2010, then my Father to Lung Cancer in December 2012. It seemed like things were just starting to get back to somewhat normal when my Dad was diagnosed, then it all went downhill very quickly. His cancer was advanced and treatment was halted about 3 weeks into it. Six weeks later he was gone. My Dad and I were very close. Although I was adopted as an infant, he never once treated me like anything less than his own flesh and blood. I can't tell you how long I have dreaded his passing. He had emphysema for nearly 20 years, but I think I had those fears even before that diagnosis.

 

Shortly after my Dads passing, I found out my husband had been cheating. He up and moved out while I was out of town for the day shopping with a friend. I came home to a note that said he was going through something and that he needed time to think. A few weeks later, the husband of the woman he was cheating with [she was a colleague] showed up at our door with a DVD of very graphic proof that he was indeed cheating. I was devastated. He never denied it and it became painfully clear there was no chance of salvaging the relationship. Our divorce was final in October 2013.

 

I have been trying to grive all these losses. I occasionally feel like I have made some progress, but I just feel so alone. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and every time I try to get up, it slips again! I have primary custody of our three year old daughter and she is really the only thing keeping me going on a day to day basis. I have a couple of close friends and they are supportive, but have their own lives and problems. It feels like I am just going through the motions on auto pilot most of the time and I just don't know how to feel a part of anything anymore. No matter what I do, where I go, I just feel so isolated. I don't mean to sound like a whiner. I just don't know what to do. I hate feeling so lost. Is this feeling ever going to end???

[waterfall]

Kai,

 

I'm so sorry for everything that you have been going through. I can imagine this has been extremely painful for you. I am new to this forum but I wanted to respond to your post because I can totally relate to some of the things you said.

 

I lost my mom just a little over a month ago. She had been living totally independently (although she had been feeling weak and had been seeing her Doctor about pain she was having) until two days before Christmas, when she got a call from her Dr. telling her she should go to the emergency room. Her blood tests had revealed impaired kidney function and her hemoglobin was low. They sent her home four days later with a diagnosis of B 12 deficiency. A week later she was told to go back to the emergency room and she never went home. She was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a blood cancer, and like your Dad, everything went downhill pretty quickly. There were a lot of complications in between, but because she was in total kidney failure by the time they discovered this, chemotherapy was unlikely to help her much. She started the chemo, but it was compromising her immune system too much and she decided to end chemo and dialysis about two weeks later. She passed away four days later.

 

I too was extremely close to my mom and like you I have been dreading her passing for a very long time. I honestly can't imagine life without her and I think I am still in a state of shock. My Dad died almost 20 years ago and I think I have been anxious about losing her since then. 

 

Prior to all of this (about a year ago), however I had been going through a very difficult time. I will spare you all the details for now, but the last straw was when I lost my 14 year old golden retriever to cancer and two of my closest friends and a significant chunk of my support system moved across the country. I ended up with full blown clinical depression and some pretty major anxiety. I too have a few good friends in the area, but like you, they have their own lives and I am pretty much alone most of the time, unless I am working.

 

I started seeing a very good therapist (expensive but insurance helps a little and it has been worth it) and was doing much better and then my mom became ill, so I can really relate when you say that you feel like the rug keeps getting pulled out from under you. I am doing my best to start living my life again. I got a puppy a couple weeks ago and in some ways that has helped (she is a sweetie and a very good puppy!), but I still feel like I am living in a fog and I have zero motivation to get caught up with the work I pushed aside, or the other important tasks of daily living, not to mention all of the details I am responsible for with regard to my mother's home and estate . .ugh! 

 

I have been extremely anxious lately, but I have found mindfulness meditation to be very helpful and it is something that I have done through my therapy. Not sure if that is something that you would be interested in, but I can point you in the direction of some good (free) resources on the internet, if you are. Anyway, I know I am just beginning to feel this loss, and I don't think I will ever get over losing my mother, but I do hope that in time and with some effort on my part to remember what it felt like to experience joy, I will be able to start really living life again. I wish that for you too and I know your little girl is counting on you. I hope you are able to do at least one thing each day just for you. Be kind to yourself. You are going through a very difficult time! 

 

Sorry this was so long. I had no intention of writing this much when I started.

 

  

[Kai]

Wow, Waterfall, our stories do sound somewhat similar. I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you that the first year is the hardest and having to deal with the estate doesn't help much. Multiple losses compounds things even more, so I definitely understand where you are at the moment. I am sorry I don't have any magic answers, but definitely keep going through the motions and try to get your mind on other things. Keep trudging along! That is what I am doing and I am hoping one day I will notice that some of the pain and sadness has subsided. At least that's what I am hoping will happen! Try to maintain contact with the outside world, too. There are plenty of days that I don't want to even leave the house. Working from home, its easy for me to fall into that, but I do notice that when I do get out and about, I do feel a little less disconnected even if I don't know a single soul I have come in contact with.

 

I feel like the blind trying to lead the blind here, but hang in there! There are bound to be happier days ahead for both of us!

[Kai]

ITs very weird how my first post is out of order in this thread. lol

[FlannaghFitzsimmons]

Hi Kai,

Although I cannot completely say "I know how you're feeling" because no one ever knows how you're feeling, I understand a little I guess. I just lost my father, the most important person to me, just two and a half weeks ago. I'm probably a little younger than you and I guess I'm just also looking for someone to talk to about feeling so lost.

[waterfall]

Wow, Waterfall, our stories do sound somewhat similar. I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you that the first year is the hardest and having to deal with the estate doesn't help much. Multiple losses compounds things even more, so I definitely understand where you are at the moment. I am sorry I don't have any magic answers, but definitely keep going through the motions and try to get your mind on other things. Keep trudging along! That is what I am doing and I am hoping one day I will notice that some of the pain and sadness has subsided. At least that's what I am hoping will happen! Try to maintain contact with the outside world, too. There are plenty of days that I don't want to even leave the house. Working from home, its easy for me to fall into that, but I do notice that when I do get out and about, I do feel a little less disconnected even if I don't know a single soul I have come in contact with.

 

I feel like the blind trying to lead the blind here, but hang in there! There are bound to be happier days ahead for both of us!

 

I agree that it is a definitely the blind leading the blind. I felt that as I was writing but decided to comment anyway because there were so many similarities that I noticed in our situations. I imagine from the outside looking in the similarities could easily be missed, but you described your feelings in a way that really resonated with me.

 

I think it is interesting to be in the position of both seeking help and wanting to provide support to others who are in pain. It felt strange to write about my own story while also trying to find anything, no matter how small, that I could say that might be of some comfort to you too. In many ways, thinking about how to support someone else seems to come more easily to me than cheering myself on. I realized after writing and reading your response, that thinking about the pain from someone else's perspective might be exactly what I need to do to get myself back on track. I did a little better today!

 

So, Thank you for YOUR kind words.  I imagine that working from home at a time like this could either be a blessing or a curse (probably a little of both, at times). I am able to work from home at times, but I can always go in and work with others if I choose. Having a flexible schedule really helps and I am very thankful for that. The only problem I have right now is that it has always worked because I am usually very self-directed. Since my mom's illness and death. . .not so much. It just seems like everything takes twice, maybe three times as long as it usually takes, and I am having so much trouble getting motivated.

 

I know there are no magic answers and I know it will take time. A few days before my mother died, she said to me: "You have so many happy things to look forward to" . . .she also said, "It's all about kindness, you know. There isn't anything else."  I know that she wants me to be happy and that the greatest way to honor her is to spend my days being as kind to myself and others as I can. When I think about it that way, it seems so simple. Not necessarily easy, but simple : )

 

Anyway, I hope tomorrow is a little brighter for you! 

[Trish91]

Dear Kai and Waterfall,

 

I just wanted to say that you two sound amazing, after all that you've been through, and I think that you will pull through, that's why you got your pup Waterfall, and Kai, you've got your little girl, and that's the biggest motivation to go on and live your life.

 

Our situations are different, we perhaps live in different parts of a country or even the world, and we are perhaps at different stages in our lives, but it's good that you both have a flexible schedule at work, and I completely sympathize and concur with the lack of motivation and the difficulty to do things, and the feeling that achieving things has become a lot harder, also the fear and pain that come and go and mostly come, at least in my case.

 

My mom was my everything and I will never get over her death. I will always love her and miss her, and will continue talking to her spirit until the day when we are reunited.

 

We all understand deep pain and loss, so although our individual circumstances may differ, the feelings as a result of the losses are very similar.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish