A year since I joined this forum

[MissuDad]

Hello,

 

It´s been a year since I joined this amazing place that has allowed me to express so many emotions that I could not on any other place. I also met some great people along the way and felt not so alone.

 

This was my first post and I decided to repost it as it might help someone going through the same thing now (I haven´t read it for several months):

 

"For the last 2 years my father kept forgetting small things, but as he was in his 70´s, I thought it was normal and let it be. My dad has always been afraid of going to the doctor; he hated needles, exams and all related to that. Over the years his memory got worse and he started to lose some weight, even so he was so stubborn that it was impossible to take him to the doctor. I got him to go one time, but then he refused to get all the exams done, he sat on the couch like a child and said he wouldn´t go… A few weeks later, we got a social worker to come here and try to convince him to go as it was getting dangerous for him to be alone during the day (I was working) and his health was getting worse by the day.

She came here one morning, I left her here alone, trying to convince him, but he refused. On that night, after work, I got home and my sister called me and said he hadn´t left he bed all day, except to try and cook his lunch, but forgot the pan there and it burned it (our stove cuts the gas).

 

When I went to see him, he kept saying he was ok, but he was having a hard time breathing, so I called 112 (our 911) and we rushed to the hospital. We were there for several hours and the doctor said he had seen some weird thing on his lungs and he´d be there for the rest of the night. So we came home. During that week he kept being transferred from hospital to hospital and they had to induce him into a coma as he had developed sepsis and need help breathing and taking his meds.

 

As he was always sleeping I only visited him twice on that week, even when he woke up, he was extremely confused. The doctor said he had a bad infection and we had to wait and see.

 

During that time he had some improvement and got transferred to another hospital. A few days later his new doctor calls us and says she needed to speak to his family (my parents have been apart for more than 20 years), so me and my sister went there. She starts by asking us unusual questions, so we thought, and then drops the bomb, she tells us that he had terminal aids and was infected for more than 15 years.

When she said that, I didn´t even know what to think, I even left her office for fresh air. On that day I couldn´t see him, I was devastated and didn´t want to see my dad like that. A few days later, I tried to get it together and went to see him, it broke my heart, he had lost some weight couldn´t walk or even eat alone. I had to control myself so hard and keeping busy there, so I wouldn´t crack in front of him.

 

It was so hard seeing him like getting so sick that I avoided visiting him and to make things worse, everytime I went there and said goodbye in the end, I´d see tears in his eyes, only for me. As his birthday was getting closer, I said to myself that I had to see him and bring some of my friends so he´d feel a little less alone (his notion of time was already off). On the 27th of March he celebrated his 76th birthday. On that same day, advised by a friend, I kissed him on his forehead and said I love him very much (the first time I ever said that to him like that), he got tears on his eyes again and I went home. 

 

On Easter we went there, but I didn´t want to see him, it really made me feel sad, so I waited outside. A few days later, after we got calls saying he was getting better, my sister showed up at my work with a weird conversation, something like, we have to go, get your stuff, and I was like, I can´t just leave now… Then she said, one day it would happen and I said, dad died

 

I can´t describe what I felt, I thought I was going crazy, faint, all together…

 

Since then, 3 weeks have passed and it´s been so hard, like the worst time of my life, I got extreme anxiety, panic attacks, mixed emotions, mind racing, hard time sleeping, all that together.

 

I miss him so much, he was my companion for years, I lived with him, it seems part of me died and I feel abandoned. Every night I cry, during the day I feel anxious or depressed…

 

Sorry for the long text, but wanted to share my story with all of you"

[Trish91]

Hi Missu,

 

I read the posts on this forum every single day. I just don't write every day because I haven't got the energy or the motivation to do so. But I read them all the time, even when I'm at work, over lunchtime or if I go to the toilet.

 

It's incredible that one year has already gone by since your dad passed, and you have been through so much ever since.

 

It's a real pity that he never accepted going to the doctor, as AIDS has very much become a chronic illness that can be controlled with medication. It is of course a lot of medication, but he did not need to die so soon or get to a point where he suffered so much. However, at least he did not need to suffer for years and years on end, and passed away relatively quickly with his family around him.

 

It was of course a real trauma and shock to you and your family, and a tragedy for all, which is why you developed panic attacks and anxiety, especially, as you shared your life with your dad and you two were best friends.

 

I feel really sorry that your boss is a bloody insensitive, callous and cruel person, who probably thinks nothing will ever happen to her/him. How wrong is she/he, and her/his time will come, and that will humble her/him and make her/him realize how he/she treated when you really needed a break.

 

I hope you can sort things out. I had a terrible year in 2013, as I was also bullied at work, by a sociopath,  and I also had a really mediocre  and weak boss, I was overworked and so on, and then my mom, the most important person in my life, suddenly falls ill and dies, which was the biggest blow ever.

 

Since then, I am no longer the confident, motivated and happy go lucky human being I used to be. I am traumatized, I'm scarred. My biggest and most important cheerleader is no longer in this world, and I constantly wonder what the point in living without her is, and how I am going to do that if she was one of the main reasons for me to get up every morning and put up a fight in this really tough and cruel world.

 

It's like part of me is dead, and nobody really understands it, not my family, friends, colleagues, anybody. I put up a front, but deep inside I'm devastated and destroyed, I am sad and scared all the time. I'm like zombie going through life with my eyes shut and whose main companions are fear and pain.

 

It's like I am being tortured, both mentally and physically, day in and day out. I never thought so much pain and suffering were possible. I don't think life is worth living if you are always unhappy.

 

I live each day as it comes, and I try to fulfill my responsibilities as best as I can, but I am not the same. I will never be the same. My heart has been ripped out of my chest, and in its place a weak and tired muscle exists, and the same applies to my mind and soul. I've aged twenty years in a few months, not physically, but emotionally, and the passionate and really merry human being who I was seems to have died along with my mom.

 

I wish I could offer you and others help and support, and real words of wisdom, but I am totally bereft, and although I have experienced moments of happiness since my mom's departure, I'm sad, anxious and in pain more than anything. I try to go on with life, but this is not the life that I want to have, and I don't wish it upon my worst enemy, not even upon the sociopath who bullied me last year.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello, that I am thinking of you and that I accompany you from afar. I know that you are going through your own personal hell, and continue to fight, so I know that I must also continue to fight my own fight, but I am really tired, I don't want to suffer anymore, and neither do I want anybody here to continue to suffer indefinitely. This is definitely the hardest time, ever, for me.

 

Last but not least, I sincerely hope that your mom gets well, and follows the best medical treatment possible. Please keep me posted on her progress.

 

Warm regards, and I wish you the best!

 

Trish

[MissuDad]

Hi Trish,

 

Thank you for your reply and kind words, it´s really good to hear that in someway my experience may give some motivation to someone else 

 

Regarding my post, the death itself is hard, but the cause makes me feel frustrated, I always think if only I had...

 

To be honest, I had so little time between the diagnosis and the death that I never fully absorbed the aids or probably tried to look the other way. I only remember going through a whole bunch of emotions around that time, I felt angry and really in revolt, cuz I felt it was such a stupid way to die.

 

All the symptons he was having were not from old age, his lung problems or anything like that, it was just aids. In a way it´s good he never knew it, but of course I thought of all people he could´ve passed it on, 15/20 years is a long time, it was almos after he and my mom seperated and although I didn´t like it at that time, I thank God that they did, otherwise, my mom could´ve got it too...

 

My mom will have to remove the kidney, but at least I was able to find a doctor that can remove it through a procedure that only needs some small holes or her back and tummy and the recovery will be much faster. The way I got the doctor was really weird, a week ago I felt a lump on my testicule and got really freaked out (Like I needed this), but went to a doctor through my company´s insurance and commented my mom´s situation, so he reffered a fellow doctor of his in the public hospital and she now has 2 opinions and surgery choices, my lump turned out to be nothing, but at least it got me this chance... This was weird...

 

My work environment was getting really hard to deal with, I can´t pretend to be nice to someone who´s trying to harm me, so I took another disease leave as I got a big panic attack there and I decided to wait at home while the other vacancy is being negotiated, now I worry cuz I have no money, but I had to make a choice, which one would be worse...

 

You need to give yourself time, I truly understand how you feel when you say part of you died, the void in you and how you won´t ever be happy or the same person again, I feel the same, I´m never happy for a whole day, I may feel some joy or pleasure at times, but never for huge periods, my close friends say I seem "lighter", but the change is probably so subtle that I don´t really notice it.

 

It´s hard feeling happy when you´re lost and afraid, sometimes I even question myself if I´m not depressed or just crazy, but for what I´ve been reading, most people feel this way for long periods, they only seem to find it unusual when you can´t function and stop doing everything, which hasn´t happened to any of us. Trust me, you´re not alone on those hopeless feelings, I also question everything, the only difference is that as time goes by, you´re able to distract yourself more and the feeling gets less intense.

 

When reaching my 5th month I was all over the place, I was working like you are, doing yoga, gym, but had to force myself to do it, now, if I don´t I actually miss it. As this month I´m struggling with my finances I may not be able to pay my gym fee and I´m terrified, that´s how I miss it...

 

2013 was the worst year of my life until now and 2014 is not being much better, but I try to cling on some hope and ask my father to give me strength and will to keep going. I already know it´s not easy and that 1 year mark is bulls***, you lose some feelings, but gain others, but after all, we met our parents for our whole lives, one can´t expect to simply forget or just moving on like that, we mourn for them, for the person we were when they were here and for we´ll never have again, I actually believe we have to "form" a new "me" and that is going to take time.

 

Therapy has helped a few years ago when my panic attacks were "returning" and has been a huge help after my dad died, it´s not like a pill that will mask the pain or make you feel better in a few sessions, but at least someone who does not know you will see your progresses and will "detect" some traces on your personality and behaviour that might help you understand how and why you react to things the way we do, if you´re feeling the need to put on a happy mask to the world, therapy is a good way to show how you really feel.

 

Whenever you need to talk, I´m here.

 

A big hug