Different faces of grief

[NEVERTHESAME415]

Two weeks ago to the day I came home to find my lover hanging in the closet. At first I thought she was faking it to get sympathty.

I soon realized the gravity of the situation and cut her down and dialed 911. Her family blames me as a way of dismissing their own

feeling of guilt and blame. Where were they the last 2 years when she needed a home, food and support. I did everything that I could

for her trying to give her a reason to life. She was depressed and for good reason. She lost her husband to the Wars at home and abroad.

She had no where to live, no income and her daughter trapped by the chains of drug addiction. Her pet even died. She had tried to

end her life before but I thought she would keep trying.

I was not allowed to attend the memorial and out of respect for their grief I fought off the tears and stayed home. She was cremated and

so I cant even visit her grave.  I have gotten hate mail from people that did not know the love we shared.

I am far from perfect. I am Bi Polar and I have my dark moments and at those times I push people away. I broke up with her so many

times I lost count but somehow our love would bring us back together. She just could not take the shuttle back and forth between her

sister and me. She was tired and wanted to be with her dog Gretta and Jesus.

I hope she made it. For us that know her the pain will last a very long time.

I have sought therapy, church, yoga, exercise a support group. I am moving and asking those I have hurt to forgive me. I wrote a letter

to my exwife asking for her friendship. I am getting a dog, I went back to church. I am trying it all but it HURTS SO BAD....

 

[HeyJude]

I can't even imagine how horrific it must be to find your loved one like that.  I am so sorry that happened to you and I am so sorry that your girlfriend was to the point that dying was her only option.

 

One of the things that we are told when we first start out on this journey of grief is not to make any major decisions for the first year.  That seems like an awful long time but on this journey it is really just a moment.  I did get a puppy and that was the best thing I have done for myself since my husband passed.  You have a lot planned, just be careful that you aren't expecting too much from yourself right now.  You are still in shock actually, the pain hasn't totally hit you yet.  You think you hurt bad now...just wait.  Therapy is a good idea as is church.  Just space things so that you aren't putting too much on yourself at any one time.