Paralyzed by fear

[Sammijo2424]

It has been almost 15 months since my husband passed away, I am all alone. I would like to say things are going well, I have gotten on with the business of living, at times I really try, but for the most part that is just not true, I am paralyzed by fear, fear of the unknown, fear of joining the world, fear of leaving my house. The only thing I seem to be able to do is go visit my kids and grandchildren, and by the way, they never, ever come to see me, which makes me so mad.

I have never been one to care what people thing of me, I never cared. I got on a dating website but if anyone near me contacts me I freeze, I just can't do it, I am too scared, am afraid of being seen in my town with another man, afraid of what people would think, crazy, I know, because I have never cared before.

I have tried several volunteer opportunities, both of which have been dismal failures, every day I think I can do this or that, thoughts on what I can do with my life are constantly going thru my mind, but yet here I stay just laying in my bed day after day, night after night, totally alone.

I am afraid of everything, with Ron I knew I could do anything, he was my ultimate supporter, he pushed me, prodded me to do things, now there is no one. I have no purpose in my life, most days I pray for God to take me, let me die. I feel guilt ridden in not being able to save Ron, not being a good enough wife, guilt about every little thing I did not do. He deserved better than me.

I find myself questioning God daily, because I think if there is a God surely he would have saved my Ron, I am a Christian, have never questioned God, this death (and I have experienced many deaths) has shaken me to the very core of my being, and I hate it.

It amazes me the people think after the one year mark a person is suppose to be miraculously better, just not true, by my experience.

Just wanted to put this out here, does anyone else feel this way after this amount of time?

[andysgirl]

It's been 15 months since my boyfriend passed suddenly & I too feel paralyzed by fear. I've been off work since October & am terrified of having to go back - I work with good people but my life has changed, I have changed and I am not ok and I'm scared of failing even more so than I already did before I took a leave. Thankfully I might have an extension before I have to think about going back but I honestly just wish they would fire me or something. I feel guilty because they've been supportive (mostly, but since I've been gone have rarely heard from any of my close co-workers) but the thought of facing them and not being "over it" is too much. The thought of having to concentrate & get some sort of new normalcy makes me pan

I too only see a handful of people and most everyone else I've shut out, I've done this because I'm so dissapointed at the lack of support I've received from some people, mostly my family, and I'm so angry with them I can't be the one to bend. His family, whom I was close with totally took all their anger out on me & left me with nothing & all I want is to be close to them because they are my connection to him. I'm so alone and I don't think anyone truly understands that feeling unless they have been in a similar situation.

This is a very scary place. I'm just 35 & we were supposed to have the world ahead of us & now I see friends with their kids and husbands & this & that and feel so terribly sorry for myself and for him because neither of us will never have those things. I cannot bring myself to even think about male companionship, I've dreamt about it and have woken up feeling so guilty. I don't want anyone else but him & frankly the thought of letting anyone else in knowing that it can all be over in a second is too much. I can't do it.

I know they say time heals but that's crap IMO - sure it's changed since day one but lately it's been like day one all over again. When it gets to a less painful place, I'm not sure. All I know is this is a living nightmare. All your worst fears imagined. All your hopes & dreams gone in an instant. It's too much to bear and for me any step forward feels like a step I don't deserve and a step I hate to have to take without him - like leaving our apartment & moving into a new home. It killed me. I feel like I've left him behind & this new place feels so foreign. My sister had the gall to say to me that the move was good because at least now I'm not faced with triggers everywhere I turn. Um seriously, just because he hasn't been here doesn't mean he's not everywhere I turn. It infuriates me. I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it sounded but I wish people would just take 2 minutes to think about something before they say it.

I'm trying to think of things to make myself feel better, think maybe I'll volunteer or take a class & then I have no motivation to do that.

Ugh. This is the pits. My heart goes out to you.

[lostandhurt]

Sammijo I understand how you feel. My husband has only been gone since feb. 11, 2014. Just over two months. I can't imagine ever being better. My Vernon was everything to me. He treated me so very wonderful. I miss him every minute of every day. People tell me already I should be getting better. WHAT! I'll never be the same. No one will ever be able to Love me as much, treat me so great and make me feel safe and secure.ou. My prayers are with y 

[HeyJude]

I'm sitting here crying because the amount of pain throughout this post is overwhelming.  I'm 16 months in and my heart is still broken.  Shattered like glass.  This widow crap sucks!  None of us are "alone" material.  I honestly don't know what is going to happen to me when my 85 yr old mom passes. 

 

To the people who say "you should be over this by now" - they can kiss my ass.  There is no getting over this and I can't wait until their day comes because I'm gonna laugh at them and tell them to get over it!

 

Sammi - I am so sorry my friend that you are having such a hard time.  My heart just breaks for us all, it really does.  How are we suppose to do this??  I can't do anything anymore...nothing!!  I go to work and go home and sit.  I sit in my moo-moo and do nothing.  I'm just waiting to die.  Sammi - you should come visit me.

[MissingDaniel]

Sammi, I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  You've been going through this just a tad longer than me, and I know that most people I know think I should be over it, so I imagine you get that too.  But know one who hasn't been through it really understands.  I'm not sure where I thought I'd be a year out, but I'm sure whatever my expectations might have been, they were way off.  I do hope so much that you find something that helps you engage in your life again.  My heart goes out to you.  Hugs!

[lauren1029]

Sammijo2424, I am so sorry for your loss. It has been 10 months since my angel death. I am still lost. People can tell you that after a year you are suppose to be ok, evidently they have not  been there. I thank God everyday for letting me go through another day, although I continue to have low days and high days.

Speaking of what you said about that dating network and what people will say if they see you dating. First of all that is none of their business, if people would spend their time on their business, they would not have time to mind your business.

Sammijo2424, if you could try and follow through on that dating web site. You might like that. As far as I'm concerned. Those days are passed and gone. I am 76yrs young. I was married to my husband for 50yrs. I know I will never date again. I do not know your age but if there is a chance of you dating girl, please  go for it.

As far as people are concerned. Close your ears to idle gossip, maybe you can make up your mind which way to go.

Hang in there. You are going to make the right decision for you.

[HeyJude]

Lauren - Never say never to dating hon...my mother is 85 and is dating an 89 yr old southern gentleman.  They met on E-Harmony.

[Skysie]

Hi. Wow. I lost my fiancé 3 weeks ago to a horrific truck accident. I feel every word you just wrote an it breaks my heart further to know, things don't get better. I wish I went with him.

[Sammijo2424]

Skysie - I don't want you to think everyday is like it was the day I posted this. After 15 months, I have some good days, some very good days, and of course, I have bad days, sometimes bad weeks, this all to say that after this length of time everyday is not bad, and it really does get easier.

My middle dtr got married Saturday, a very, very big event, leading up to the day was just horrible, I was alone, had never done anything like this without hubby, he was suppose to walk her down the aisle, instead she had her real dad walk her halfway, took a candle from my step daughter, walked up to front and handed me candle, preacher explained this was to honor her step dad who died over a year ago, everyone there was in tears. The whole thing was just so difficult for me. He had so wanted that privilege of walking her down aisle.

Now that it is over I am feeling some better, have actually made some decisions. Am going to stay here thru summer, really, really try to make a go of it, try to get out more, take care of me, become involved in church and whatever else I can find. In September I will then see how my life is here, if I am not in a lot better place, I will be renting an apt for 6 months near my youngest dtr and grand kids, will keep house empty during that time, keeping check on it. If I do this, after 6 months I will either move completely or come back home. Really don't know what else to do. At least I have some kind of plan for my life. I can't stand the idea of leaving the house that hubby and I built, leaving his hometown and my town for 22 years, but I know if I can't do better here then I will have to change something.

This week I have been trying more, so will see where all this leads me.