Do you find it hard dealing with sadness?

[MissuDad]

Hi,

 

This post is not directly grief related, but I needed to get it out of my chest.

 

Since dad died, along with the pain that comes with it, my life´s been a mess. Mom has a kidney problem, my finances are a chaos and now I´ve been having problems at work, with my boss...

 

Today I did something that I really feel horrible about, I was invited to a friend´s wedding and although I´m not fond of weddings I wanted to go, but today, almost a week after having to ask for disease leave from work (my boss has been trying to make my life there miserable), I woke up feeling sad and with no will to do anything, to help this cause I couldn´t afford a wedding gift and formal clothes, as I was so frustrated with life in general, I decided not to go and made up a lie (a stupid one), I texted him and said my spare tire went flat on the way there and now I had to wait for  the trailer, after a while he called me very fast and I told him that I would try to get a lift and get to the reception, I probably believed it would give more time and he´d forget my presence... Then I got a few texts and calls, but could get myself to answer or text back and got so bad about myself that I turned my phone off only to avoid dealing with it 

 

All of this made me feel like I´m losing my mind as since my dad died I keep avoiding these confrontations, at all cost I avoid problems and anything that might make me feel sad or pressured to do anything...

 

Has anyone here did this kind of avoindance or did things that later regretted?

 

The problem now is that I feel awful and afraid of ruining part of his day, I feel so selfish and sick of it all, a year and a few months ago, I´d never do anthing like this

 

[mwruby1]

Hello Missudad,

 

I have experienced avoiding confrontations....it's a bit different than what happened with you. I feel I now avoid feeling bad because I already feel horrible, and my mother not being here has left a massive hole in my heart. Sadly, I see my giving in to people who does not deserve my kindness.

 

For example, when I was planning my mother's funeral. I have a sister who I am not close to because of some hurtful  reasons, so I was always the one there for my dear mother. My sister rarely visited or called my mother, so when my mother died I thought I will make all the arrangements by myself. I found out my sister was talking badly about me behind my back, and she left me an extremely dirty voicemail...calling me every bad name in the book because she felt I was not allowing her to be involved in her mother's funeral. She disappoints me to my core because she never cared when my mother was alive, biut now she is dead you want to come around.... I called her to see if she would like to attend the meeting with me to plan my mother's service because the entire incident made me feel even worse, on top of grieving my mother's death. She said yes. We both worked together picking out the casket, plot area, headstone, etc; however, she was careless about the cost because she was not paying for anything. Originally, I wanted something small and private...she wanted the opposite, so I allowed her to select all she wanted even though I had my feelings about it. She did not even bother asking if I needed assistance in paying for the service. Basically, me wanting her to stop talking about me left a huge bill on myself, and a service I regret.

 

I guess avoiding confrontations is a part of grieving bad or good because we don't want to be hurt more than what we are, and or pressured in doing anything when you don't really want to, for some people don't understand what we are going through, so they expect the most out of you when we are dealing with or own issues.

 

Have you thought about apologizing to your friend, and letting him know what was really going on with you? Maybe by writing a letter, text, email, etc.

[MissuDad]

Hi Bella,

 

Thank you for your reply. In a way your story has the same avoidance issue, you kept quiet to avoid confrontation with your sister, but I just "run" away from situations like that... Same feeling different context.

 

I will write to him, just waiting for his honey moon to end, don´t want to upset him even more. These last few days I´ve been a mess...

[mwruby1]

Hi Bella,

 

Thank you for your reply. In a way your story has the same avoidance issue, you kept quiet to avoid confrontation with your sister, but I just "run" away from situations like that... Same feeling different context.

 

I will write to him, just waiting for his honey moon to end, don´t want to upset him even more. These last few days I´ve been a mess...

Right different context totally, but I understood exactly what you were experiencing....

 

I think that would be a good idea. How long have you two been friends? I understand... when I think I am doing a little better I realize how much of  a mess I truly am...  Are you feeling any differently today?

[MissuDad]

Hey Bella,

 

We´ve been friends for 6 years. I feel different everyday, but my personal life hasn´t been very stable, so I try to see it as normal...

 

Regarding your loss, it´s still very fresh, it´s completely normal to feel/be a mess, the first few months are extremely overwhelming, you need to take it hour by hour.

 

I remember coming here in my first months and chatting to other members who were ahead in this journey and imagining if I´d ever be able to go through and ever feel better. It´s not that now it´s any easier, you just learn to live with it and start having other worries on your mind. Each person grieves differently, but the raw pain gets less intense over time, one day you´ll even find yourself feeling bad for not feeling as bad, it´s hard putting it in the words, but someday you´ll understand