How do you find any meaning to anything?

[Shattered14]

I lost my husband on 2/25/14.   We actually weren't married yet but were all set for 2 months from now.  He is my husband in my heart as we already considered ourselves married and were completed devoted to each other.  He was taken suddenly and unexpectedly, and I am completely devastated.  I try so hard to figure out how to go about each day but I'm just existing.  I feel that nothing has any meaning to me anymore.  I just really want to go and be with him.  No one else.  I'm very lost.  I have read some of the posts on this site and could really use some advice on how to keep going when I really don't want to.

[HeyJude]

The really sucky part of all this is that we keep going whether we want to or not.  Most of the time I feel like I have my haunches dug into the ground and someone is pulling me forward.  I don't want to go, I'm being forced to.  I hate being a widow more than anything on the face of this earth.  I don't really have any advise for you other than take it one minute at a time if you have to.  And post here and read, it is a big help.

[msmouse]

I know how you feel. I lost the love of my life suddenly almost 3 months ago and I feel like you do. Take it hour by hour if you have to. I don't look ahead. I handle one day at a time. That's all I can deal with right now. Do what feels right for you. It takes time and it's hard I know. This whole thing stinks and I wish I could make it go away. We are all on this site for the same crummy reason. We all lost someone we loved. I am here if you ever need to talk. Hugs to you!

[Shattered14]

Thank you for responding. I try hard not to think ahead but I seem to anyway. I cant keep going like this every day for the rest of my life. I feel its a waste of time. All I want to do is go. I pray for it every day and im so angry and disappointed when I wake up and im still here. I will never understand why. It does help somewhat to know that you understand the depth of the pain. Many dont. They try to say things that they think sound good but they just dont get it.

[HeyJude]

My whole outlook on death has changed since my husband passed.  Before, I wanted to live forever, I loved life and I loved life on this planet!!  Now, I wish I would just be done with it all.  Life has lost its fun.  It is just something I'm doing now, going through the motions.  I can't wait for the day my time is done.  I could care less if I get cancer or something else.  I just want to be with my husband.  So your not alone hon...a lot of us feel this way now.

[Sammijo2424]

The thing is, at this point, you can't really look to the future, right now this early you just have to take each day as it comes and just try to make it thru the day or hour. This time last year I just could not think about the future, I didn't want a future, heck, still don't really want one, but life really does go on.

[Shattered14]

Thank you so much for your responses. It is nice to know that I am not completely crazy. I always worried before about things involving health because I didnt want anything to go wrong. Now I pray for death every day. Like you I really dont care if I get something bad as I think it may be my way out. When I drive I wish for something to go wrong with the car or some random thing to happen so it can all be over. If I could have I would have done it myself already but I am a Christian and I fear Gods punishment. I cant take the chance that I will never see my precious husband again. However i must say being left here like this also is torture and hell in my opinion. But now I just waste time and I wait. Every day that passes I get one day closer. To most people they wouldnt understand that because they have never walked even closely in my shoes but you have. So thank you for listening, understanding and sharing.

[LizzyW]

I lost my husband on 2/25/14.   We actually weren't married yet but were all set for 2 months from now.  He is my husband in my heart as we already considered ourselves married and were completed devoted to each other.  He was taken suddenly and unexpectedly, and I am completely devastated.  I try so hard to figure out how to go about each day but I'm just existing.  I feel that nothing has any meaning to me anymore.  I just really want to go and be with him.  No one else.  I'm very lost.  I have read some of the posts on this site and could really use some advice on how to keep going when I really don't want to.

That is a very difficult thing to deal with, in my experience. It's been a year for me, and I still feel like nothing is meaningful, and that I have little to no purpose. I used to absolutely love to work in the garden. Last year, after losing my husband in April, I barely touched the garden, for the first time ever. I thought that by now, I'd be ready to get back into it, but to be honest, the spirit just isn't there yet. I still feel like I just exist, and like nothing will be good again, but I can say that in spite of that, it's still infinitely better than 11 months ago. It's been up, and it's been down. At least I am surviving, and at least I can work, and at least I haven't completely lost my mind, never to be able to function again. At one time, I could have envisioned that happening. You're still new in the process, so give yourself some time. There were days when I just had to put my head down and be bullheaded about going on. It's hard, but you can do it.

[Shattered14]

Thank you Lizzy. Im trying as I just have no choice. I did go back to work....again no choice. That was and continues to be hard. I work in an office so there is always chatter. I can hear them talk about their lives, their husbands, weddings etc and each time it is like a knife. I cant help feeling jealous and then I feel guilty for being jealous. Im such a mess. Im angry at the world. Im angry at God followed by the fear of being angry at God. I have no idea had to get through an hour never mind a day. When I think of doing this for the rest of my life I feel sick. Im really pathetic. My best time is when I can sleep because it wastes the most time but waking up is such a disappointment. Ometimes i think if I could just understand why, maybe I could cope. But who am I kidding. I still wouldnt be able to cope even if I knew. I will never understand. I truly am very sorry for your loss and all of those on this site. This is a loss and pain like no other.

[NEVERTHESAME415]

I am just two weeks into my suffering so I know nothing about the subject of grief other than to say its the worse

kind of pain of all. I look to the world which has many beautiful souls eager to help. I am trying to create

new meaning in my life because the old things just don't matter anymore. I still play softball and exercise and enjoy my favorite foods. I listen to music especially soft jazz instrumentals. The love songs are just

too painful to listen to unless you really want to cry a lot.

In reinventing my life I look to give more of myself to others. I will be getting a small dog to love and

feel loved. Volunteering for something I care about should help a little. Recently a friend told me you

can volunteer at a local zoo. I love animals so I will look into that.

Its important to be grateful for all our blessings. I take stock of what I still have and what new wisdom

I can aquire in this period of spiritual testing and growing.

I try to laugh everyday and I tell corny jokes. I watch old comedies. I think we need to love ourselves

more and think that this would make our loved one content. We laughed everyday that I was  with my

sweetie and I am keeping the practice alive. I have a picture of my darling on the front mirror.
When your joy is gone you need to reclaim it. I don't know if this helps you. It feels good for me to share.

Love and Peace always until we are all reunited with our love ones.BELIEVE IN LOVE. This was our

mantra and it still holds true for me now.

[Skysie]

I feel exactly the same. I just want to go and be with him. It's consuming my thoughts.

[obakesan]

I don't, but I do it out of habit (and my mind nags me, so doing it shuts that up).

[Raltvater1]

I can understand also. I am in a little different position. Some may say better others not. I have 3 young kids. Who rely on me. It's amazing and so hurtful to have this. It's amazing cause they don't let me brood. It's hurtful cause I remember their and my loss every time I look at them. I am 6 months out. I have tried to block out the pain. I. Have tried to mask it. I have tried to do social events. Nothing helps. Not even talking about her. It just hurts and hurts. It has gotten better. I have always known there is a tomorrow. And that it will be good. I have to believe. She would kick me if I didn't. Not only for myself. But for our kids. My parents have moved closer to help out. Which helps. Cause I don't have to focus on everything. But it just is amazingly hard. I went back to work. To get my mind off of her. To. Bury the pain. Sometimes that helps other days it does not. But either way at the end of the day. I am alone. And it's not supposed to be that way. Not when I was loved so much by my girl. I was married for 12 years. And it a flash it was gone. I sleep. I eat. But it doesn't cure it. It just hurts. And hurts. I am told it will get better. I trust. What else can I do.

[sim-law]

Raltvater,

I am in the opposite position to you in that I have nobody depending on me or indeed any family in the same country, also because of chronic illness I do not even have an occupation. I have no idea which of our situations is worse but I can say that having little to occupy my time leads to a lot of unwelcome thinking which leads to more pain and misery.

I too was married for 12 years and like your experience it was over in a flash and the years left look very long.

I get up each day feeling fearful, fear of the future, fear of not being able to cope any more and the greatest fear of all not ever seeing my soul mate again.

I just try to get through each long day and hope I can survive long enough for things to get better but I am afraid that they may not.

[Raltvater1]

I also have been told it's how we view life. Again today the loss we have suffered was likened to someone losing a limb. They have to want to relearn everything. And maybe the emotional aspect is different we also have to recover and want to keep going. I can't say much more. I don't know for you but the longer I don't do things. The deeper the pain. I hope you get out. My job forces me out my kids force me up. Do this try and start. It helps.

[Raltvater1]

I also have been told it's how we view life. Again today the loss we have suffered was likened to someone losing a limb. They have to want to relearn everything. And maybe the emotional aspect is different we also have to recover and want to keep going. I can't say much more. I don't know for you but the longer I don't do things. The deeper the pain. I hope you get out. My job forces me out my kids force me up. Do this try and start. It helps.

[Raltvater1]

I also have been told it's how we view life. Again today the loss we have suffered was likened to someone losing a limb. They have to want to relearn everything. And maybe the emotional aspect is different we also have to recover and want to keep going. I can't say much more. I don't know for you but the longer I don't do things. The deeper the pain. I hope you get out. My job forces me out my kids force me up. Do this try and start. It helps.

[Raltvater1]

I also have been told it's how we view life. Again today the loss we have suffered was likened to someone losing a limb. They have to want to relearn everything. And maybe the emotional aspect is different we also have to recover and want to keep going. I can't say much more. I don't know for you but the longer I don't do things. The deeper the pain. I hope you get out. My job forces me out my kids force me up. Do this try and start. It helps.

[Dr. Pat]

I am just two weeks into my suffering so I know nothing about the subject of grief other than to say its the worse

kind of pain of all. I look to the world which has many beautiful souls eager to help. I am trying to create

new meaning in my life because the old things just don't matter anymore. I still play softball and exercise and enjoy my favorite foods. I listen to music especially soft jazz instrumentals. The love songs are just

too painful to listen to unless you really want to cry a lot.

In reinventing my life I look to give more of myself to others. I will be getting a small dog to love and

feel loved. Volunteering for something I care about should help a little. Recently a friend told me you

can volunteer at a local zoo. I love animals so I will look into that.

Its important to be grateful for all our blessings. I take stock of what I still have and what new wisdom

I can aquire in this period of spiritual testing and growing.

I try to laugh everyday and I tell corny jokes. I watch old comedies. I think we need to love ourselves

more and think that this would make our loved one content. We laughed everyday that I was  with my

sweetie and I am keeping the practice alive. I have a picture of my darling on the front mirror.

When your joy is gone you need to reclaim it. I don't know if this helps you. It feels good for me to share.

Love and Peace always until we are all reunited with our love ones.BELIEVE IN LOVE. This was our

mantra and it still holds true for me now.

Hello!

I loved your post - you are so very much on the right track. Taking care of yourself now is vital to survival. This is the toughest endurance test you'll ever go through. The pup to care for and to wiggle at your feet in greeting when you come in, the films that make you laugh, the exercise, the willingness to find joy in the midst of sorrow are all important. 

 

I'm a mental health counselor with a lot of experience and training in grief - but none of it really counted when I needed it - for myself - twice! I've lost two husbands. That's when I learned, as you are, how to dig deep and create the job I was so desperately missing. You will make it - you've got all the right tools - throw in gratitude and appreciation for everything (including your memories). These behaviors don't mean you won't cry or hurt - you will, but it will be less severe and last less long. 

 

Have hope - you and I will see our loved ones again. I cling to that knowledge! 

 

Check my hour long talk on grieving (it's free, even tho you need to sign in so you can access it) at Thriving Despite Grief.com. 

It will support what you already know!

 

Blessings for you in your journey!

 

Dr. Pat