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Lost Without Her


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21 days without my mother. . . 


And I might be pregnant. 


A few things to note: My mother wasn't a good mom. I loved her, I would like to think she loved me--at least when it suited her. We had secrets, though. Many secrets. I think my mother couldn't stand me because I couldn't be her. I wouldn't lie or con or steal or use and i would call her out if I saw it. I think that she hated me being able to see through her lies and actions. . . I think she respected me for being who I am. In a way, she could have loved me for never being her. I was my own person and my mother always encouraged individuality and supported dreams. Her two qualities that I will always cherish. 

So she confided in me. And I confided in her. 


. . . 


She wanted grandchildren, though. And the last time I saw her, she had pretty much said I wasn't a daughter because I couldn't have children and she had a new daughter (brother's nit wit of a girlfriend). It broke my heart. At fourteen I conceived child due to unwilling circumstances. My abusive older brother beat the baby out of me and tossed bleach on me two months later. I miscarried at fifteen. I then had a chemical pregnancy at 17 (unknowingly until the doctors informed me of why i was having such a strange monthly). In February of this year, I had a brutal miscarriage. I hadn't the faintest clue before hand that I could have been pregnant. Although we are a younger couple, we rarely have sex so this was a shock to he and I. . . I called my mother. She sighed. Said that there was no point in living to see a grandbaby now. 


A month and a half later she died. And now I think I'm pregnant. Terrified I will miscarry again and fell less than I should of myself. Angry if I don't because had I been  able to carry before, my mother might have stayed alive. I know it is irrational to think this way, but I can't help it. 


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Hi TS,


It's very sad when we have so much difficulty in our relationships that cannot, now, ever be resolved.  It would be so much better if we were just able to hear the words from that person we love that would make everything be ok.


I'm so sorry your mom isn't here to give that to you now.  Or your dad.


You've had a difficult childhood, TS.  It is very reasonable to have all the thoughts and feelings you're having now.


I went and saw a counsellor a few times after my sister died.  I learned such a great deal.  One thing I learned is about finding a place to live their legacy.  This idea helped me for a while and I think about this when I read your expressions.


When I read what you have written, here and elsewhere on the site, I can see that so many other people might feel like your sorrow from the totality of your life's experiences might be insurmountable.  But I read the great deal of love that you have inside you.  You understand the dysfunction and yet you love your mother.  Many people in dysfunction would not be able to express that quite as clearly.


The reason I mention about living their legacy is that because you see this aspect of love, you see what your mother could have been, and you know what you were to your father, I could see you living in the aura of the love that they had - whether they could express it or not.  In other words, being someone who incorporates their unexpressed love as part of your own, bolstering your own spiritual nature (love, expression of love and kindness) because you know that in their deepest heart of hearts, that is who they are.


Of course, this may not be helpful right in this moment, but do keep it in mind.  In this time of great sorrow and confusion, you may actually experience twinges of this on its on.


Never doubt that your mother loved you.  It does sound like she had many issues that may have been building for a long time, likely stemming back from when she was a child.


TS, with everything that you have gone through, it may be helpful for you to have a few counselling sessions.  You have a great amount of past that can get quite mixed up with your grieving now, and this is a hard enough time as it is :(  A counsellor may be able to teach you some techniques to compartmentalize the confusion, so you can deal with your emotions and thoughts one teary moment at a time.


Also... and I'm not usually this strong but there's really no other way to say it... go get a pregnancy test.  Don't delay.  You will be putting yourself through much misery for potentially no reason if this is a false call.  If it isn't, then you can really pay attention to what you want.


Lastly, like your friends who I told you not to listen to, do what you can to soften the negative statements that your mom said to you through your life.  Just remember that she was a very hurting individual herself, that really, it sounds like, didn't know any better.


Focus on why you know she loved you.

Focus on why you know she respected you.


In her truest form, this is who she was.


And part of grieving is learning - or determining - who we are now going to be.



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Hello Tossed into the sea,


After reading your post, it touched me which is why I am writing you back. I am so sorry for all the things you endured at a very early age. The comment I wanted to make to you is that you cannot blame yourself for your mother's death. I am learning to accept death comes to us all at the time it does because it is our time to go, so please don't think if you were able to have a baby before she would have still been alive. I've done the very thing you are doing now. I have been blaming myself for my mother's death because I noticed the signs of her condition, but believed in what the staff, at the nursing home, told me than seeing things for what it was. I even listened to other people telling me to wait to have her transferred to the hospital before her infection spreaded, which I believed would have caught the infection in time before it killed my amazing mother...ouch that hurts... I know it is easier said than done  because I still struggle with blaming myself.  

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