Discovered husband may have cheated after death

[Steph123]

I really don't know how to feel.  Been together with my late husband for 10 years before he suddenly died.  The day after he died I saw messages on his phone from other women.  It would appear that he had been on a number of dating websites stating that he was separated from me and asking to meet up with a number of other women.  I am devastated, I knew we were in a rut with our marriage but he would say to me that he was happy with our life and wouldn't change a thing, but if this was the case then why was he going on these websites? I feel so hurt and angry.  I have confided in my best friend regarding this but have not said anything to his family or friends as he was a good man in their eyes and I don't want to bad mouth him when he is not around to defend himself - but it is hard listening to all their glowing comments about him when I know what he has done to me.  I didn't have much self confidence before but now this has just crushed me I have so many questions but can get no answers - I want to grieve but don't feel able to, when I cry I don't know if I am crying because I am grieving or whether I am crying for his online cheating.  For all I know he may have met with some of these women - has anyone been in the same position and if so how do you cope.  My husband died 4 weeks ago and I am struggling to get this online cheating out of my head.  He was declaring his love to some of these women stating that he wanted to start a family with them.  We didn't have any children this was a choice we both made so again I'm confused by his comments.    

[Josh]

I guess I should preface this by stating that there's no true way to know what he was thinking or how he felt. Because he's no longer around to confront, all you're left with are questions you can only guess the answers to, and that's a shitty situation, and I'm sorry you're in it.

 

(I'm going throw a few thoughts out here, so it may jump around a bit. My apologies if it seems jumbled at all.)

 

Often times, when a guy is saying things like "I love you and want to start a family with you." to people they're speaking to online or through texts (or even in real life), they're just trying to say what they think the other person needs to hear in order to get laid. It's not true of all or even most men, but it does happen. Since you said he was in contact with a number of other women, and that he's claiming he loves multiple of them and wants to start families with them, it seems obvious that he's just saying it to try to get into their pants. Had it been a single other woman, it's possible he meant it, but since his attention was spread across so many others, I'd say he was just looking for sex.

 

Does that make it any less shitty on his part? Not really. But it does tell me that he may have loved you from the start, and never stopped loving you, but just chose to think with his dick during the "rut" you both were in. I'm not trying to defend him or his actions, but I don't want you to feel like everything you ever had with him was a lie either. I'm sure what you had with him was real. Just because he turned into a moron for a time and tried to screw around doesn't mean he didn't care about you, it just means he wasn't thinking.

 

All that said, there's no excuse for cheating, or trying to cheat, at least not in my opinion. Whatever worry you have about tarnishing his image should be second to your own needs. His family was also your family for at least a decade. I don't know how close you were with them, but it might not hurt for you to open up about what you found to one of them, or your own family or friends if you're more comfortable with that. There's no reason for you to suffer in silence and play the role of a "good wife" just because you want to respect his memory. It might seem harsh, but if he was talking to other women like that behind your back, then he doesn't deserve to have you be this loyal to his memory. It's admirable of you, and a lesser person would have had no issue "bad mouthing" him as you put it. (Case in point, me.)

 

This last suggestion is based off of personal experience, sadly. It might help you to try to contact one, or even all, of the women he was texting/e-mailing. Keep in mind that he lied to them about being married, and that those women were technically being cheated on by him as well once he established a relationship with them. From their perspective, he would have simply stopped messaging them completely, and if these women were at a point where they reciprocated his claims of "love," then having a little closure, even if it comes in the form of multiple threads of bad news, might do them a service. And it might help you as well, because these women might be the closest thing you'll find to comrades in arms, for lack of a better term.

 

A few years ago, I found out the woman I was with was doing the exact same thing your husband had been doing. I got into contact with one of the men because we had met a few times before and held a conversation or two in the past. He and I had a long talk about her, as well as the stupid things we both did while under her spell. It didn't make the pain any less excruciating, but it did make it easier for me to bear it.

 

I truly hope you can find something to help you get through this, and I'm sorry if anything I said was too blunt or upset you in any way.

[HeyJude]

Josh has given you a lot of really excellent advise.  Men are such idiots, they just really don't even think.  He probably didn't meet any of these women.  Had he had that many women on the side you would surely have suspected something.  He would have been gone a lot.  He flirted with these women for the thrill of it.  I totally believe that it is cheating but I would cut the guy a break if he didn't really meet any of these girls.  Like Josh says, I would try to contact some of them just out of curiosities sake.

[Steph123]

Thanks for your responses and Josh your comments have helped me - I did contact some of these women and quite a few were shocked to hear that he had a wife.  However, the last person I spoke to was quite abusive using the F>>> off words.  I was very calm with her and she just told me that they were going to set up home together and get a dog and two cats (which is exactly what my husband and I had) so obviously he spoke to her about me.  However she did confirm that they had never met but were due to meet the weekend after he had died.  After talking with her I decided not to contact anymore. 

 

You're probably right he was just thinking with his dick but it still doesn't stop the hurt I feel.  I know time is a healer but I don't know if I would ever trust anyone fully again.

 

Once again thanks for your replies,

[Josh]

Trust is always a gamble in the end, but keep in mind it's something to be earned, not something to be given. I understand how you feel about it, believe me I do, but you shouldn't let yourself block out the rest of the world from ever really getting to know you just because one jackass betrayed you. That isn't to say you should go run out and let some random stranger into your heart, but when the time comes, don't let your past hurt hold you back either.

 

I know it's a cliche thing to say, but everything will be alright one day. It's just going to take time before you're ready to let yourself feel like it can be.

[Steph123]

Thanks Josh

[HeyJude]

Steph - just out of curiosity, are you the one who broke it to these women that your husband died?

 

One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch girl....an old Jackson 5 song.

[Steph123]

Yes I was as they had no other way of knowing.  I did break the news to them nicely apart from the person who was quite abusive to me whereby I just told her straight that he had died.  A lot of these women had issues lacking confidence so I made sure that he had not dumped them but he had died.

[HeyJude]

I kind of figured as much.  I don't think I'd have been so nice. 

[Steph123]

These women did not know that he was still married they were under the impression we had separated, I just thought its no use being angry at them as they only knew what he had told them, the person I am angry at is my husband.  My feelings swing from anger to then grieving and trying to understand why he did what he did.  I guess this is something I will never know and I will just have to move on.  I liked your Jackson 5 saying and I will try to remember that.

[Fish Biker]

My husband died abroad unexpectedly less than 4 wks ago. We have two wonderful children, both in high school. He spent most of his time in another country handling his business but came home frequently. I, kids and ALL friends thought he was openhearted, kind, caring, loving and most likely spoiled us three too much. About a wk ago, I started to look through his backup files to look for family's account info and started to see he actually had been a sick predator for at least the past 10 yrs when he started traveling/working abroad. He targeted many women at once, planned his meetings and moves, recorded results and set goals for each month through the years. I don't even know how to describe the emotion I experienced, each aspect was so strong and the pain was very raw. I believe all will eventually rest and I long for that quietness and peace. I never paid a bill, but am now involved in his unsettled businesses, both domestic and abroad. His long term lover, a married woman, was also a business officer under him, she now speaks to me sometimes and doesn't know that I know. I don't really care about their relationship, it'd be another/many other women if it were not her. I wonder how/why I ended up with such a psychopath. We married happily in our 30s. I thought we both were open, smart and curious.       

[KayC]

OMG, @Fish Biker  That is a lot to find out about someone you thought you knew everything about!  I am so sorry.  Four weeks is still so raw and to have to be dealing with that on top of everything.  I sincerely hope you will get grief counseling to help you through this, esp. in dealing with your kids.  I would encourage you to protect your kids but another reason to see a professional and get their advice on how best to handle it.  You do sound like a strong person and I've no doubt you will be okay but that doesn't mean you won't feel it and that is okay too.  It's not uncommon to discover secrets after they die but this is not one we'd expect or anticipate.  My heart goes out to you.

It sounds like he compartmentalized that part of his life from this part of his life.  In time you will better be able to decide if you can incorporate that he was multifaceted, it didn't necessarily mean he didn't love you and the kids, it does mean he was very sick and needed help for sure.  I'm sorry.  We want to be here for you as you work out your emotions.  You have your plate full trying to untangle and take care of his businesses.  I wish you the best going forward.

I wrote this article at about ten years out of what I've found helpful over the years and hope something in it will be of help to you today, maybe something else on down the road.  One day at a time helped me tremendously, and I live by that still these 15 years later.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Fish Biker]

Dear Kay,  

Thank you so much! Emotion comes in waves, less frequent today. Writing out my experience without reservation and hearing back from you, which meant somebody out there listened, helped. One thing I've learned from my husband is to look ahead. I sometimes place my thought into the future, a year, or two or three years away, and really look forward to a fresh life that everything will be under the sun, nothing hidden in the dark anymore. I have a lot to do but a life was lost, and nothing can/should be harder. I'll be patient with myself. I let my emotion run when it comes, and do things when I can and stop when I feel tired. 

[@LeeNic]

@Fish BikerI am so sorry to hear. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult things are for you. I lost my husband about 3 weeks ago. It is hard enough suddenly loosing someone you love... but finding out the other stuff .... I don’t even have the words to describe how it would impact me. I agree with Kay that you should reach out to a professional on how to handle everything. Sending you positive thoughts....