Question for survivors

[Emmet]

Please excuse me if this is intrusive, but I have a question:
What could your partner have done that might have eased your suffering through their illness, death, and aftermath?
My death is one thing, but the thought that I must inflict such grief and suffering as you've endured upon my mate just breaks my heart. If anyone has any thoughts on how I can help ease her transition, I would be ever so grateful.
May the god of your understanding grant you solace and peace.
Emmet

[frankly]

Emmet, I don't think there was anything more that Jerry could have done to help ease my pain.  Short of just not dying.  Which he had no control over.  Even though Jerry died unexpectedly in a motorcycle accident, we knew he was dying from kidney disease.  A transplant wasn't an option either.  We just thought we had several years left.  We thought we had some time still.

 

Because of his illness and my own, Jerry and I said everything we could possibly say to each other.  We talked, and talked and talked some more.  Because of us both being sick, and trying to prepare for what was coming, I haven't been haunted by guilt, regret or the desire to say things that weren't said.  In a way, that was such a blessing for me.  

 

I guess if I had any advice to you, it would be to talk.  Say and do anything and everything you possibly can.  Have no regrets.  Make all possible arrangements in advance.  Then LIVE!  Live every second of every day to the fullest that you can live with each other.  Write lots of personal notes and letters.  They become lifelines later.

 

And one last thing, just because you have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, don't assume that is what takes you.  We never know.  Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.  Your partner may leave this world before you do, so make sure, that you Both seize each day and get as much out of it as you can together.  I honestly thought that I would go before my Jerry did, so the shock of his motorcycle accident was devastating for me.

 

This is all just based on me and my experience.  Hugs to you and your family.

[HeyJude]

The only thing that could have made any difference at all would have been if my husband had a million dollar life insurance policy on him.  Shallow? No...it isn't shallow.  It would have allowed me to pay everything off, not have to work but still be self supporting.  Nothing can prepare you for the devastation that hits, nothing.  The grief involved is for yourself too, not just for the spouse, but for your life as well because it is forever changed now.  This  is the most life altering experience I have been through so far.  Your world gets ripped out from under your feet.  I miss my husband more than I could ever say but I miss our life together too.  Sometimes that seems harder than accepting that he is dead.

[Sammijo2424]

Hey Jude, I agree totally, this has been my most horrible life experience I have ever suffered thru. And, it is so true, my life is forever changed and what really pisses me off is that I did not want it to change, I loved my life before, I loved my husband, the most important person in this world to me. Even after 14 months I find myself fighting with myself over every little change I make. Sunday I went to a new church, decided it was time for a new start, too many hurts from my old church, I feel they abandoned me after the funeral. Well, I enjoyed the new church, but afterwards spent the rest of the day in bed, crying. It really hurts me to change, go forward in this life, I still don't want to, but know I HAVE TO.

Also, my husband did have life insurance, I paid everything off, I don't work, not by choice but because of my disease, believe me, life still sucks, having a job gives you some kind of purpose, I have none, I still go thru most days like a zombie. I travel a lot going to see my children, and some are envious of me, but the reason I travel is to run, run away from this stinking life.

I don't know if I will ever truly accept my husband's death, I sure have not in over a year, but I will keep trudging thru this life knowing I will see my love again one day, I just hope it is not 30 years from now.

[backyarder1]

Hi Emmet. My suggestion is that you just talk about your beliefs about what happens after death. Talk freely about it. Let your loved ones know that your love for them will never die and that your loving spirit will be with them always. I think I, and almost every widow/widower on here wishes that we had said certain things to our spouse before we lost them. So make sure that you say as many of those things now, that you can. Let them know how much you appreciate them and how much their love has meant to you and that it will be with your through eternity.

[HeyJude]

Sammi - wouldn't that just be the frosting on this horrible cake...if we lived to be 95 yrs old??  Good Lord...that just aint gonna happen for me!!  My mom got on me the other day because I was having some ulcerative colitis issues and she said I need to go get checked for cancer.  As quick as that came out of her mouth what came out of mine was "what for?"  It really feels to me that my death would be a total blessing for me.  My mom is 85.  After she is gone I don't want to stick around.  I probably won't be long for this world after that.

 

I hate change too.  In fact, I despise doing anything new.  I won't even go to church so your one up on me in that area.  I use the excuse that I am so busy during the week that I just want to relax on the weekends.  I know that my God understands.  I pray and worship Him in my own way.  I feel like a spoiled brat, kicking and screaming because I want my husband back.  When you divorce or breakup with someone at least it is because you didn't love or want them anymore.  Jerry and I were very much in love and wanted nothing more than to grow old together.  This totally sucks...I hate it.