Panic and Loneliness

[frankly]

Who do you turn to when you loose your spouse?  Your best friend and partner.  The one that holds all of your secrets, shares your memories, your bed, had your back, through thick and thin.  The one person in this whole wide world, that knows everything about you, and loves you anyway.  The person you turn to instinctively when you are scared........

 

Nothing fills that huge gaping hole they left behind.  I need Jerry now, more than I have ever needed anyone in my whole life, but he's gone. I'm lonesome, scared and struggling.  I feel abandoned and so alone.  Even when I'm around others, I feel even more alone.

 

The panic attacks are unbearable some times.  So I live in a medicated fog just to get through them.  Trudging through the days, one by one, just going through the motions.  This is not living.  This is hell.

 

I don't believe in fairy tales, happily ever after, God or that I will ever be with Jerry again.  I just don't.  I've tried to because I need that comfort, that hope.  Deep inside, I just don't believe in any of it.  It's not real to me.  I want to believe that Jerry is still with me in spirit, watching over me, helping me........ I don't feel that either.  There is just nothing but memories and pictures left....... and those hurt because I know there will be no more.

 

I don't know who to trust or who not to trust.  So many people out there in this world that prey on the weak....... and right now, I'm weak.

 

When Jerry died, I died too.  A shell was left behind with memories to fill it.  I know that I have to create a new person..... a different person.  I know that I have to find a way to LIVE again, not just exist.  I can't seem to get past the fear, the worry, the anxiety to make a plan and set goals for some kind of future.  Some kind of life that holds happiness again.

 

There are times that I feel disconnected from myself, like I'm on the outside seeing that person that used to be me, struggling, hurting and crying all the time.  I want to help her, but I don't know how to.  And yes, sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my mind.  Who knows, maybe I am.

 

I'm just rambling here.  I'm not even asking a question.  I'm just writing down the things that I feel.  Thank you for listening.

 

I just miss you so much Jerry.  

 

[HeyJude]

Frankly - what a beautiful picture of the two of you.  Your Jerry looks so nice, as do you.

 

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.  Actually, I'm so sorry that any of us here are feeling this way.  I can totally relate to how you are feeling.  My Jerry was all I had.  He was my best friend, my confidante, my lover, my partner in crime cuz boy could be get into some trouble every now and then.  He was my life, my everything and now he is gone.  How in the hell do you go through the rest of your life minus the reason you were even living??

 

Several months after my Jerry died I got an email from Audible.com giving me a free audiobook to download, my choice of books.  I downloaded "There's More To Life Than This" by Teresa Caputo.  Since then I have downloaded and listened to an additional 13 books on the subject of life after death and speaking with the dead.  I am a total believer now.  I KNOW my husband is with me.  I feel him all the time.  Frankly, you have to find something to believe in or your going to go nuts.

 

Your journey through grief hell is still so young.  It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do.  Heck, I flip flop between hysteria and happiness constantly to the point where I think I'm driving some people crazy.  I'm 15 months into my hell and the only thing that has kept me going to truly deciding to believe in something.  Anything.

[msmouse]

I fully understand how you feel frankly. I,too miss my Jerry so much! Everyday seems like a slow form of torture. I feel so alone and lost and I feel like I am going crazy. I work everyday but it seems like I am just going through the motions in a fog all the time. We just bought a house in December and I can't even stay there yet. I go there and move more things in because we weren't moved in yet at the time he passed away. That is hard to do!! I miss him and I just want him back. But I can't have him back!!! This is living hell! I know he wants me to be the strong person he knows I am but when he passed away half of me went with him.

[eternallyyours8318]

Frankly so much of what you wrote I can relate to. I feel like I am getting worse each day. I just want to be with my baby. I feel like I died with him. I am so sorry for all of us. This torture sucks.