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my best friend is dying


hooves

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He was doing just fine, he's a state park worker. His abdominal pain turned out to be cancer of the liver that had started out as a melanoma on his back..it metastasized. (The melanoma had gone totally unnoticed by him as he found out it was on his back) Now he's always in pain, and today he was admitted to the hospital for radiotherapy: his cancer has gotten in his brain. I know that he has very little time to live. I don't know what to do now. He's my best friend. I don't know what to do.

His parents passed away before their time, and he's unmarried. He has practically no family except for a brother who lives hours away; me; and a couple of other friends. And today he told me that he doesn't need any moral support, that he's "tough as a bull". I don't know what to do...Please somebody, tell me something.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Hooves, tough or not, just be there to be a friend. Visit, read the paper, the funnies, watch tv, whatever you always do together. Spending time together will also help you deal with this after he leaves this life, and takes up residence in Heaven. Greiving is our part, and the more time we spend now, the easier the grieving may possibly be down when you get there. You'll have less guilt for not being there, and more positive memories to lift your spirits. My best to you both. May you have peace.

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Hooves,

I found a link directed to books that might fit the bill for you. It's http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385483325/griefhealing/104-8276593-7568723. The first book listed ( featured ) is supposed to be for those who want to help someone ( plus probably for your own help ) who is dying. Also would be good reading for anyone else on this forum/these threads. The most important thing, from what I've already read about this, is to not disregard their needs or what they want, or don't want, to talk about and just as importantly, to be just as aware of your own feelings and thoughts when you are with them, with an eye to trying to understand what you might be censoring, or blocking out, in both cases. To really BE with someone, you need to be aware of everything possible that's going on inside yourself at any given moment. There are many reasons for this, but it's too lengthy and involved to try to explain it all here....plus, I'm no authoritative author like the ones who wrote these helpful books!

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HI,

I just lost my partner, best friend, soul mate etc to cancer. He and I were very strong and determined to get through whatever happened. I know your friend is saying he doesn't need any help but I feel that the more you are there for him now whilst he doesn't NEED the help he would LIKE to have the help and also it should make it easier for him to ask for help if he gets worse and then really does need to have someone there for him. If he feels he can't ask you in the weeks/months to cme he will feel worse than he needs to. I know Dave was in a position where he knew he could ask anything of me and that makes me feel better as I know he didn't suffer any more than he needed to.

Please keep trying and don't let him push you away. Dave turned round to me one day and said he didn't want any visitors as he looked ill and he had just seen himself in a mirror but all his friends who had been there the last few weeks knew how ill he looked and told him to stop being so stupid and the way he looked wasn't going to scare them off!!

Keep being there and being strong, it will be apreciated.

Kate

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i need advice really bad. my best friend has just been giving 6 months to a year to live, and i do not know how to help her, say to her, i did something so wrong and i feel very ashames. she wanted absouytly noone to know till she told her family, and i was so upset, i told some other friends, which she found out about and was very upset with me. p;ease help me deal with this situation. she has good spirits and has forgiven me for my big mouth. we are planning to go to the notre dame/ penn state game in sept. after much chemo. and radiation. do you think she will feel up to it? it is a 12 hour bus ride? thank you.

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i need advice really bad. my best friend has just been giving 6 months to a year to live, and i do not know how to help her, say to her, i did something so wrong and i feel very ashames. she wanted absouytly noone to know till she told her family, and i was so upset, i told some other friends, which she found out about and was very upset with me. p;ease help me deal with this situation. she has good spirits and has forgiven me for my big mouth. we are planning to go to the notre dame/ penn state game in sept. after much chemo. and radiation. do you think she will feel up to it? it is a 12 hour bus ride? thank you.
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i need advice really bad. my best friend has just been giving 6 months to a year to live, and i do not know how to help her, say to her, i did something so wrong and i feel very ashames. she wanted absouytly noone to know till she told her family, and i was so upset, i told some other friends, which she found out about and was very upset with me. p;ease help me deal with this situation. she has good spirits and has forgiven me for my big mouth. we are planning to go to the notre dame/ penn state game in sept. after much chemo. and radiation. do you think she will feel up to it? it is a 12 hour bus ride? thank you.
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alwaysmyjennifer

I am sorry your best friend faces this situation. Above all, be open and honest talking with her. I would hope you could plan to attend the game together. Wouldn't this be such a fun day together? My neighbor recently died of cancer. Before her death, we would sit together while I read her newspaper. This may seem like a small thing to some, but for her, having become blind from the cancer, it was a gift and a special time shared between friends. Although it's a 12 hour bus ride, is there a way you can make the trip by car? If you travel privately, you have the privilege of stopping when you must, and she can rest as often as she needs. However, early in treatment, there may be the possibility that she'll be less tired out from the treatments. I'll keep a good thought and prayer for you both. Let us know how you both are doing. We're always here to help. Mark

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He was doing just fine, he's a state park worker. His abdominal pain turned out to be cancer of the liver that had started out as a melanoma on his back..it metastasized. (The melanoma had gone totally unnoticed by him as he found out it was on his back) Now he's always in pain, and today he was admitted to the hospital for radiotherapy: his cancer has gotten in his brain. I know that he has very little time to live. I don't know what to do now. He's my best friend. I don't know what to do.

His parents passed away before their time, and he's unmarried. He has practically no family except for a brother who lives hours away; me; and a couple of other friends. And today he told me that he doesn't need any moral support, that he's "tough as a bull". I don't know what to do...Please somebody, tell me something.

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Hooves,

I found a link directed to books that might fit the bill for you. It's http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385483325/griefhealing/104-8276593-7568723. The first book listed ( featured ) is supposed to be for those who want to help someone ( plus probably for your own help ) who is dying. Also would be good reading for anyone else on this forum/these threads. The most important thing, from what I've already read about this, is to not disregard their needs or what they want, or don't want, to talk about and just as importantly, to be just as aware of your own feelings and thoughts when you are with them, with an eye to trying to understand what you might be censoring, or blocking out, in both cases. To really BE with someone, you need to be aware of everything possible that's going on inside yourself at any given moment. There are many reasons for this, but it's too lengthy and involved to try to explain it all here....plus, I'm no authoritative author like the ones who wrote these helpful books!

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Hello,

I am new to this forum and I'm not sure if this is the right way to post or not. If I've violated any rules, please forgive me.

I have a question for this group. A dear friend of mine is dying, also. She is 50 and her children are 13, 18, 22 years old. She would like to do some type of memory/scrapbook for each of them and has asked me to help her. Have any of you done this before? What is the best medium (DVD, scrapbook, etc). Do you know of any websites, ideas, questions or how I might best accomplish this?

Thank you for any help you can give me - it is much appreciated.

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Dear Guest,

I don't know much about the DVD or scrapbook. I can try some research and see what I can find. What you are doing is such a selfless thing. You are truly a good friend. Please feel free to come here and ask any questions that you may have. My father had alzhiemers and died in 2004 so I know a little about preparing for death and my little brother died suddenly 6 months ago so I know tons about grief (what if feels like, not so much how to deal with it). Please do not hesitate to ask anything; there are wonderful people here and one of the most blessed things that seems to help is helping someone else. Amazingly it seems to ease the pain somewhat. My God be with you, peace and blessings, Jackie

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Hello Guest, I am sorry for your friend and will keep her in prayer. I hope posting a reply to you is not in bad taste,and does not offend anyone, as I browse these boards often and pray for people who post.

I registered specifically because I saw your post, so that I could reply. I can help you. We produce a product called the "Lifetimes Video". It is a photo montage tribute to life on DVD with optional video. I think that it is exactly what you are looking for. The website is www.lifetimesvideo.com Please call or email me. I would be happy to help. Sincerely, Dan

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My boyfriend/best friend just died on May 30th. I can't believe it's going on three weeks already, it feels like yesterday but it also feels like forever since I've seen him. He was diagnosed with Stage IV stomach cancer on 4/11/07. He had a very bad prognosis, though he wasn't listening to any of the statistics and expressed his intention to "be the first to beat this" to everyone that asked how he was doing. He was my best friend, I did everything with him and he was kind of my rock. He shocked us all when he committed suicide on 5/30. I absolutely never thought that he would ever do that. It had never crossed my mind because of his strong faith, his opposition to it, and his optimism. He had been down the few days prior, but I hadn't seen him the entire time b/c of the holiday weekend (he was with family) so I guess I didn't know the extent. I thought he was getting depressed, and was concerned, but didn't even get another chance to discuss it with him. He disappeared in the morning, and the police found him drowned in the lake 12 hours later with his wrists cut. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't concentrate, I'm just sad, unhappy. I feel like I can't work. We worked together for two and a half years before this, and very closely after I got a new job this past February. I have to go back to our former work all of the time b/c of my current job, and I can't do it. I don't have energy and it's just too hard. And, I just can concentrate. I just don't care about work.

I just wish he wouldn't have done this, while I didn't want him to suffer with the cancer, we could've done some things that he really enjoyed doing before he died. This was just so unexpected and sudden. I had no time to prepare, adn don't know what to do with myself now. I had been his caregiver during the month and a half since he'd been diagnosed, and was so focused on keeping him alive and trying to get him to eat (he had lost 60lbs in a month) that I guess I missed some serious signs. I just didn't know, and he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do to put the pieces back together. I don't know what to do next. I don't want to be alone but I don't want people around me. It's just hard.

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hay never done this thing b4 but sumbodi suggested i try something like this... neway um my best friend wos diagnosed over a year ago with a diffuse pontine glioma brain stem tumor. its inoperabe, n radiation killed it once before but its come bak n chemotherapy isnt working very well... jst this last week shes started deterioting reli fast, something gets worse everyday. shes now unable to maintain her balance, one side of her face is numb, one side of her body is weak sore and cold. her vision has jst got worse as well now she seez double of everything. she is my hole world my best friend i love her more than n e one, all the information i can find jst says the same thing, one year survival average with 20 percent surviving for 2 years. its nearly been two years so please.. if ne bodi has seen anything about somebody surviving a pontine glioma tumor... please tell me

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Dear guest, I can somewhat relate to your situation. My Husband had glioblastoma multiforme in the left frontal lobe of his brain. The only symptons he had had prior to dx were headaches severe ones early in the morning. My husband only lived 7 1/2 months after discovering this horrible disease. After about 3 months, he started having trouble seeing, and light from the windows hurt his eyes. Then he had trouble walking. Just reading your post brought back exactly what we had endured. I am truly sorry for you and I will pray long and hard for you. Please, whatever you do, be with your friend as much as you can, and enjoy her, laugh with her, I'm not trying to be cold, or calase, I want you to be there for her. I have no regrets with Scott!

He was my life. I am truly honored to have known him, and even lucky to have shared a wonderful life with him, even if it was only a few years. I told him at least 20 times a day how much I loved him! I was truly honored to have had the opportunity to care for him. Though it wasn't easy at all, I was his only caregiver. I had no one to vent to. I still don't. If there is anything I can do, Please feel free to e-mail me.

cheryl_auxier@yahoo.com

Cheryl

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I have been searching all over for someone to help me. I'm wrapped in grief. My best friend was recently diagnosed with stage IV gi cancer with carcinomatosis. She was given 1 month to live and possibly 2 with chemo. She is in her early thirties. It has been one month now. I have become her primary caregiver. I took an absence from my job and have 1 more month left. I am so scared what will happen when I leave, but I have children, a husband and a career 2500 miles away. Her family has found many outs because they don't want to watch her die. She has two young children and it breaks my heart. On top of all of this she refuses to know her diagnosis so it makes everything hard. She knows that she has cancer but does not want to know her prognosis. She is counting on a miracle. I pray everyday for one also. It just seems like I'm all alone in this, I can't even talk to my best friend about it because she is in denial. It is hard because I feel it is affecting her care. We have no home nurses. I set up the IV's and TPNs. She is starting her second round of chemo tomorrow and her doctor is not even real with her. He told her last week that the cancer must be healing or else she would not have lost so much of her swelling, and that she is moving in the right direction. She lost 38 pounds last week I have no idea what direction he is talking about. I just want to do what is right with her. She does have a large community around her, and some visitors but I'm scared. I am there everyday from 7am to 7pm and sometimes sleep over if I can find no one else. When I leave I am afraid what her care will be like. If anyone has been in a similar situation please let me know. Everyday is like a roller coaster. Some are so good, and then bam she's just extremely sick and then bam she's up and moving around again.

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Dear Guest

My prayers are with you and your friend. I can't believe a doctor who is not honest with his patient thats not right. Your friend should know the truth so she can make arrangements, she can't bury her head in the sand forever. You have a family take her home with you find another doctor do something don't let her have false hope . I know my daughter died three months ago and she knew her chances. Tell her if your her friend and be a shoulder to cry on and solid ground for her. Help her to get things in order.

Deb

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I can relate to you guest in so many ways. First of all - how is your friend doing? I too have a friend who is 31 with 3 small girls. Her oldest in staring 6th grade. Her cancer started in her small intestines which is very rare especially with her age. I have another close friend - we see our friend almost every day. I have probably missed 3 days in 3 months. Luckily she also has a very devoted husband and her mom has took a leave of absense from work. Her father is also very devoted. The sad thing is she has a large family and they seem to be absent through most of this. She has been through many major surgeries and several rounds of chemo. Tried herbs, juicing, any other remedies but never follows anything through. Sometimes I just feel helpless but I want her to know that I am here for her no matter what!! She has never wanted to know her prognosis and has the BEST attitude toward this you could imagine. Although I am afraid most of it is denial!! I want to make sure her wishes are carried out but how do you ask someone what their wishes are? Hospice was called in about a month ago. She was at home until Monday. She is now in a hospice house. She has slept alot the last few days which I know is a sign of the last weeks. Please give me advice on what to expect and how to talk to her about her wishes. Thanks so much!! Mandy

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Guest

Your her friend just talk to her and be there. Ask her what she wants you would be surprised to know she probably all ready knows her prognosis.

I'm praying for you,her and her children

Deb

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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Dear Guest,

As horrible as it sounds, I think you should consider yourself lucky- you have at least 6 months to say goodbye to your friend. You have 6 months to laugh, to cry, to talk, and most importantly, to reach acceptance. Had your friend died instantly, you wouldn't have any of that. Of course, to die so young is always a tragedy, but be thankful for the 6 month warning you were given. Your friend now has time to reflect and to say everything she wants to. She can still accomplish many big things. And crucially, she can still do the little, everyday things; she has the opportunity, at least for a little while more, to savor a normal life and to prepare for what's ahead. To take a lesson from Morrie Schwartz, you and your friend should allow yourselves to grieve, but limit yourselves. And afterwards, come back to life. Breath. And having allowed yourself some sadness, indulge in living. Go out and have fun. Always take advantage of what you can still do together, and In this way, you'll make the most of the time she has left. When the end comes, you'll have had a meaningful and satisfying goodbye.

Your friend, her family members, and you have all been given 6 months. Each of you can decide how to use the time you have. Open up your hearts, and try to stay positive. You'll be amazed at how rewarding these 6 months can be.

- A Friend

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