Missing My Big Brother

[dearNick]

My one and only big brother passed away three days ago. He had a lifetime of ilness and won so many battles but finally at the age of 35 god called him home. I live in Los Angeles and flew out to Florida to see him. He was unable to move, or talk. He was hooked up to dialysis, had a breathing tube in his mouth and was depending on many other medical devises to keep him alive. He had been declared unresponsive. When I arrived I began speaking to him, assuring him that myself and my father were there for him. It is at this time that he opened his eyes and moved his eyebrows. This gesture is something I will never be able to thank him enough for. It all happend so fast, I am struggling to recall everything that happend that day. I am also having a hard time focusing on the simplest tasks, my mind often wanders. At first it felt like id never stop crying, and now its like my emotions have been stunted. While my heart is filled with sadness I am unable to physically release that sadness.Everything fills grey. My hope in joining this forum is that someone who has gone through a similar experience might be able to enlighten me or offer advise on how to cope.

[Heartlight]

It's a shame that this forum is so unmoderated that the bots take over the threads like this. 

 

I'm so sorry about your loss   I lost a sister suddenly, without the notice or ability to say goodbye, and my father quickly, but with the knowledge that he was passing.

 

It is awful and you are right to be confused.

 

You would also be right if you were crying, or not crying, or angry, or....  anything.

 

It is the most devastating thing that we on this earth can ever go through.  And each loss is different for each person, even when you've lost the same person.

 

When my sister died, I phoned a grief hotline at about day 3.  I couldn't understand what was next or how to cope and they very nicely and very gently said, "oh dear, this is just so new, don't try to make yourself understand anything."

 

And it's true.  The only thing that you can do is just give yourself permission to be grey or stunted or emotional.  This is, truly, the best way to cope right now.  Give yourself permission to experience exactly what you are experiencing.  Whether it be a deep sadness that can't come out in tears but messes with your mind, or an avalanche of desperate emotion, it's all exactly what it's supposed to be for you.

 

My mother didn't cry after my sister died for a year and a half.  There are soooo many different responses/reactions and all of them are right.

 

Hopefully this gives you some comfort with your own process.

[ModKonnie]

I apologize sincerely for the spam that was posted on this thread. I try to be diligent, but when I am gone for a day or so, the spammers go crazy. We have filters that catch TONS of spam, but there are those that get through.

 

DearNick,

I am very sorry about the loss of your brother. Feeling numb is not uncommon during grieving. You may feel all sorts of other emotions, including white hot anger, fear, loneliness, etc. Talking about your feelings is a great way to sort through it all and begin to heal.

 

I lost a brother suddenly. That was a stunned shocker.

 

My father died slowly, so there was time to say goodbye, but the agony over his suffering was almost unbearable. I felt tremendous guilt over feeling relieved when he died but intense, sharp pain, too.

 

We will be here for you.

 

ModKonnie