Lost my daughter to miscarriage, then her mom left...

[wooglin905]

On February 12, 2014 my daughter was lost due to a miscarriage.  This past Saturday my girlfriend cut off contact without warning.  To this date I don't know if there was anything I could have done to prevent it, saved her, in some small way been able to hold my daughter today or any other day.  She would have been our first child and a miracle for plenty of other reasons.  For days after my concern was for my girlfriend, making sure she was safe, ensuring that she got everything she could to help her.  a couple of days of having not left the house, I finally got up the courage to ask her to talk and she left the house.  I was hurting so badly that I couldn't see straight, a pain that 6 weeks later almost caused me to take my own life yesterday.  I was inconsolable while sitting in my office crying about what I could have done to save my daughter and by extension my girlfriend.  It was so bad that HR had to bring in outside people from the police department since they followed the letter of policy concerned that I might hurt myself or someone in my office.

 

After some time being assessed, they let me go home and the first thing I did was get on the phone with anyone who would pick-up and talk about my pain.  This morning I got out of my bed, lonely and still wanting to go play in traffic or play with fun combinations of chemicals.

 

I had such hopes for my daughter.  I wanted her to be a tiny version of her mother, smart, caring, slightly uncoordinated.  This may sound odd saying that after her mother left just days ago, but the person I fell in love with was a great template for what I thought, felt, would make a wonderful person.  Having spent weeks now trying desperately to keep it together so that I could be her support, I know find myself floundering trying to get some peace of mind.  A night where I felt safe from my demons. 

 

I'm not a religious person, but I do cling to the hope that some day I may have a chance of meeting my daughter in some other form.  I don't know how she would be pictured, as an adult, a child, something in-between.  I only hope that in her passing she is some place safe.  I'm getting through today just by hoping that something better happens tomorrow.

 

Please tell me I'm not alone.  Please let me know that some day I'll wake up without feeling like I failed.

[erip]

I just found your post and want to know how are you doing?

I haven't lost a daughter or a son and I am so very sorry for your loss however I lost my boyfriend due to an unexpected brain aneurysm 48 days ago, we were so happy together, had so many plans, he was the best man for me and I was the best girl for him. With honesty I can tell you everyday I felt the luckiest girl in the world to have such a loving, brilliant, fun, caring partner.

So I can totally get that you are feeling this way. I always say that I am not only grieving for Francisco's death but I am also grivieng our future together and I think that probably is whats happening to you because you had all this expectations and plans with your girlfriend and your daughter that of course you now feel like you lost everything.

 

Most of the time I wish I was dead too but please HANG IN THERE I know its hard, I know its very painful but live a day at a time..it sounds easy to say than done but try to do it and this grieving journey is something we have to go by, its like a tunnel and we have to make it through it to see the light, someday.

Please if you ever need to send me a private message or we can talk over this post.

Sending you hugs your way.



 

[wooglin905]

Erip,

 

The toughest part has been trying to get myself back on the plan I had in place before she left.  Seeing a therapist once a week, meeting with people to discuss what I thought was unhealthy relationship between her and her parents, trying to find a way to deal with my need to talk to her about our loss; a plan!  I find myself wondering what would have happened had my daughter not died.  Would I be in the same place with the rest of my life?  

 

When I was in high school the girl I was dating got sick, was hospitalized for two weeks and died of a stoke.  She was my first "Love".  Then a few years later an extremely close friend died on the anniversary of that original loss.  It set the foundation for how I view death, made me different from my friends; and they let me know it.  For the 10 years I have been with my girlfriend she has known that this is a particularly sensitive subject matter, death.  Losing my daughter, then most likely having lost her, adds to what has been just a vicious cycle.  

 

Being told by someone that your hopes and dreams don't matter hurts.  Being told by that same person that she loves you and wants to be there but walks out the door, destroys.  

 

My daughter was supposed to be my chance to get it right.  She was a miracle that came later in life, i'm 42.  As we are hitting the time she would have been born, my heart is just missing.  The joy is missing.  I wish I could convince myself of anything right now, I know that my ability to make healthy choices is compromised by all of this.  

I'm truly sorry for your loss.  Much like me, you had visions of what your life would be; and they changed in a flash.  

[Frazzled]

You haven't failed. That's the hardest part to believe. I go threw the night my baby died and everything, and still search for answers. Your girlfriend prob needs some time as she may think she failed you as well your baby. Forcing her to talk won't help, she will when she's ready. I know when my mum tried to force me too talk I just put my walls up & flew off the handle.

You need to remember it's not your fault , these things are unexplainable.