How to move forward without letting them go

[backyarder1]

Okay. So I've been having really deep grief again. I am right about at the 5 month mark and I just cry uncontrollably a lot more than I have since the very beginning. One of the grief support books I am reading said that what causes our suffering isn't really the loss, but the fact that we try to push it away and not accept it. I just wonder what some of you think about that statement.

 

Do you think that we have to somehow "let our loved ones go" to finally ease our suffering? And if so, what does that mean? I know some of you say that you feel like you are still married. And I almost feel like if I just kept that attitude, that it would be more peaceful than trying to think so hard about recreating a new life.

 

BUT, it seems like there should be a way to totally accept the loss and come to peace with it without really ever letting them go.  Any thoughts?

[HeyJude]

Oh boy, do I ever have thoughts on this!!  At the 5 month mark I was still a mess and yep, I think I cried more then than in the beginning.  In the beginning you are just too much in shock to feel the full effects of grief.  You stay numb for several months.  The grief book your reading...BS!!!  Our suffering is definitely from the loss.  My grief is because I miss my husband so much it hurts.  That is my pain.  Not that I'm trying to push anything down or away.  At just about 15 months into this I have definitely accepted that my husband is gone and he isn't coming back.  I know a lot of other widows who feel that same way.  It is just missing their spouse that causes such deep pain.

 

I will never let Jerry go.  I can't.  How can I just let go of the last 33 yrs?  It is impossible.  What I do do and I hope I can make this make some sense is this.  On any given day Jerry was not joined to me at my hip.  What I mean is we each had our things that we did.  Me, I went to work, he was home taking care of animals and yards etc.  We just did our thing.  So I try to get up every morning and go about my business just like I did while he was alive.  None of that changed in any way.  Oh I could have let it change and felt lost and alone but that isn't self serving.  So I told myself that I am going to do my part just like I did while he was alive.  I had to make some changes around my home to take up the slack of Jerry being gone such as put in a fence so the animals can't run off, hire a gardener, leave the trash can down at the road so I don't have to drag it what seemed like 1/4 mile once a week.  Stuff like that.

 

And then, I decided that I was going to totally and completely believe that there is life after death and I will see him again one day.  His spirit is still with me and he protects me.  Knowing that he is just in another dimension and consciousness is really extremely comforting me to and has helped me to deal with all this more than I can even tell you.  We get a lot of signs too.  I am constantly looking at digital clocks at exactly 11:11.  My bedroom door has opened all by itself.  The latest thing is that a little stereo we have turns on by itself and changes channels.  None of these things have any feeling of fear associated with them too which is how I know it is a loved one, either my husband, my Dad, my sister, my brother.  I have listened to something like 12 audiobooks on the Afterlife now and I am totally convinced it is for real.

[backyarder1]

LOL. Thanks for the response Judy. The part I am laughing about is what you said about being more of a mess at the 5 month mark. I keep thinking I should be getting BETTER and then people keep saying stuff like that. "3 months is the worst." "4 months is the worst" "5 months is the worst". I guess it is definitely different for all of us. Right now, at 5 months, this is the worst. I'll probably be saying that same thing at 6 months....that IT is the worst.

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing how you are dealing with it. I think when Tom first passed, I was much more comfortable with all of those thoughts. That he was still here, in spirit, and that I would see him again some day. I think I just started dwelling so much on the thought of HATING to live alone for the rest of my life and because of that, I really started to push myself forward. I just don't really think I am ready for that yet.

 

It really is much more comforting to just live in the present and stop worrying about the future or dwelling on the past.

 

I need to do something to get over my deep feeling of loneliness. Whether it is more friends, a pet, a job. Something. And maybe when that feeling isn't so intense, I won't be trying so hard to push myself someplace that I'm not really ready to go yet.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[lauren1029]

Hello, I lost my husband after 50yrs of marriage. It was with the ones he loved when he made his transition. I saw all of the stages of death. I really feel lost because I was the caregiver, plus I worked 3 days a week part time. Very easy job. It took me out of the house and be in a dfferent environment. After his transition, I asked myself what now. Half of me is gone. God , what am I to do to fill this void.I am still waiting on that answer. He probably have given it to me but I did not see. I am so alone. I can be in the crowded room and I still feel so alone.I have good days and bad days, It seems that I make one step forward and 20 steps backward People say that it gets better in time.I strongly believe that everything happen when it is suppose to happen IN TIME. Have a good day .. Good Noc              

[HeyJude]

Hi Lauren - Can I ask you a question?  I was with my mother-in-law when she passed.  I swear, I felt her spirit leave her body.  It is almost like I saw it.  There was an energy in the room when she passed, that moment right after they take that last breath and you see their body just kind of relax.  At that exact moment I literally felt her leave.  It was actually a very beautiful thing and I felt to honored to have been present with her at that time.  Did you feel anything like that?