Anger out of no where

[dianaD]

I lost my father to death on Monday.  I lost him mentally and emotionally at 13 and physically at 16.  I have grieved for him for 34 years.  We were as close as two people could be (at least I thought so), until he met "the other woman" when I was 13.  I saw some corny movie that talked about "you divorce your spouse, not your children," yet in my case my father chose to divorce all of us.  My mother was in so much pain from the experience, she decided she couldn't cope with being a mother either (she struggled with that my whole life, which is why I was so much closer to my father) and used him leaving as her reason to ignore any attempts I made to ask for her help, guidance or support.  I was on my own 100% at 16.  I think what is worse than losing a parent by death is losing them by THEIR choice.

 

All of that is water under the bridge.  I created my own life, own family, have two beautiful adult daughters who I adore.  I value helping them and loving them more than any amount of money in the world.  I think that is from my past.  I wouldn't change one thing about my life, except the trait I inherited from my father which is always feeling that I 'don't deserve good things that happen to me," even when I have honestly earned them.

 

My question is, why do I have so much anger towards my MOTHER now?  She is my surviving parent and I can't stop feeling like I want to yell and scream at her or stop talking to her completely and shut her out of my life.  We have never been close, but she did try to stay in touch over the years and occasionally writes or calls.  She made an attempt.  He didn't.  So why is so much of my pain coming from the fact that she left me when he left her???  I should blame him, right?

 

I really thought that I had closure before he died.  He was in a long term care facility for about 7 years and we knew he was dying for about 3 weeks.  I prayed for him to go.  I sent him "permission" to let go... He was in so much physical pain.  I had complete compassion, sympathy and forgiveness.  The first day after I found out he had passed, I had waves of sadness and emotional outbursts.  I morned him, not in death, but in the life he chose not to share with me.

 

Now, all of my compassion has vanished and I am left with anger and questions.  Why???  It is almost like the whole series of excuses he used all of these years don't make up for the pain I feel.

 

Do others experience this with a parent they lose who has been absent most of their life??  This deep, dark, anger??  I am normally not an angry person at all.

 

I would appreciate any advice on ways to "let go" and heal?

 

Thanks!!

 

[ModKonnie]

DianaD,

I am very sorry about the loss of your dad and the struggle you had for years with your parents. Anger is a typical emotion to deal with during grieving, and while I am no expert, I would guess you may blame your mother for choosing to check out of your life at a time when you needed her, and you may not have been aware of it until recently.

 

The best way to deal and let go is to talk about all of this. Talking helps sort through the issues. Perhaps you should look for a self help group in your area or even talk to a professional about all of this. I know when I have gone to a counselor, I just simply talked my head off, and I suddenly felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulder.

 

You can also sort through everything by coming here and just talking about how you feel.

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie