Loss of my father at 19 suddenly, still unable to grieve

[prattm15]

I graduated college early (I also started early), and my dad moved me (his only child) to start my new life about 11 hours away from home. I'd been gone about 3 months when I got the phone call every person dreads: Your dad's in the hospital. He had a stroke. We're flying you home. Except the "we" in we're wasn't my dad's family, but rather my mom's sister. My dad had had a stroke on Tuesday, and had failed to tell either my mom or myself (my parents were not ever married, but together on and off for over 25 years and were living together at the time of his death). My mom found out early on Wednesday morning after calling hospitals when he didn't come home, and my aunt called me on Thursday when my mom just couldn't do it.

 

I got home late Thursday night, and my dad passed away from several massive hemmorhagic strokes and a heart attack (official cause of death was swelling on the brain, I believe). My dad's family did not allow me legal next of kin because I was not there at the time of the stroke, and did not allow me to speak at his funeral or be a part of the donation of his organs.

 

Because of his family's lack of empathy, my mom and I also lost the house and the business that he owned, and my mom now lives with family and I live where I work, alone. But home is forever gone, and I was only allowed my personal affects from the house, and whatever I could grab before his family came in and took everything that they believed was his, including canned goods and other food, as well as some of my mom's things (her good, old Pyrex was one thing that really bothered her).

 

This was late July, and 200-some-odd days later, I still find myself back at the way I was dealing with things on day one: I cry at random times then it goes away. It's starting to affect my relationships because people are uncomfortable with the way that I talk about my dad's death in this cool way, because to me, it still doesn't seem real

 

How do I grieve? I just want to be able to start to move on because the facts are all there. My dad is dead. He was a healthy 45 year old man. My dad is never coming back. My life will never be the same and home is no longer there. I've gone to a psychologist once and was not particularly happy with the session. She wanted to push some therapy tools that I wasn't comfortable using. I just don't know what else to do. My family tries to be supportive but they just don't know what to say or what to do so they say nothing and let me do as I feel I must.

[ModKonnie]

Prattm15,

I am sorry about the loss of your father and all of the woes you've been experiencing since. You deal with and heal from your loss by talking about it. If your friends won't support you in this time of need, find a self help group or spiritual group that will allow you to talk. We will listen to you as you sort through your emotions. Your father has only been gone less than a year. That's not really enough time to heal from such a profound loss. It's going to take some time, and we will be with you for as long as you need.

 

When you are feeling up to it--share the story of your dad with us (and a picture if you have one). We'd love to hear it.

 

ModKonnie

[jerseyITguy]

I had a similar thing done to me except with my dads "wife" of two months. He left me a lot in the will and I got none of it cuz he left her the benificiary. I ended up loosing my car and all my dads stuff he left me. Its been a little over a year my dads been gone and I still hope she gets her karma. I'm sorry for your loss.

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

I'm sorry for your loss pratt.

There is no good and bad way to grieve. Just because you're not sad 24/7 or... or only cry here and there....or feel in denial...doesn't mean you're not grieving. You're still in shock it sounds like. Let yourself be in shock. Let yourself cry sometimes. Let yourself believe its unreal. Those are all emotions of grieving. Cause honestly...its been 4 years for me and I still can't fathom the fact like ill never see my dad again. It baffles me still. (My dad passed when when I was 18). Its just an unknown I don't think any of us will ever understand. But you are grieving...you may not feel like it but like i said there's no good or bad....no special handbook of the dos and donts of grieving. We each have our on way. Some people shut down, some people act out, some accept it as it is. But talking, reaching out, the tears you occasionally find. Its all grief.

As for understanding. Its not something I recommend taking to much time to search for cause I don't believe anyone will ever understand.

Wishing you peace, pratt.

Hugs