Lost my fiancé due to suicide

[Tasha]

The night before me and my fiancé had one little argument over going out Friday instead of Saturday. The last time I talked to him I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore because I was tired of arguing and just needed to gather my thoughts. I didn't mean nothing I said, no relationship is perfect and I didn't except it to be. I Just wanted a day break. He kept calling me and texting me to answer the phone because he had something to tell me. I called him back a hour later but he didn't answer. Called that morning and no answer. So I went over to his house when I got off work. His step dad answered the door and said he was in his room. I sat on the bed to find a belt around his neck in his closet dead. That was the worst day of my life. When I got home I couldn't get that image out my head so I took 18 pills. To make a long story short I went into the hospital for 5 days because of my action. The week before his death he told me his mother said in front of everyone she wished he was dead. Some if his family members are blaming me and I'm blaming myself as well. I can't help but to feel guilty because all he wanted to do was talk and I was being mean and stubborn. He left a voicemail saying what he was about to do and told me don't feel guilty because he know he can be a asshole. I didn't listen to the message until I went to work that morning. If I was to just answer the phone none of this would of happened, or even listened to the voicemail that night I could have saved him and went to his house. Then in December I had a abortion. In the letter his mom found he supposedly wrote he said that because I didn't want the baby I didn't want him either. Everything from the abortion to the death of my fiancé is all my fault . I feel that God is punishing me for killing the baby. If I would of just made better decisions this would of not even happened.