I feel so guilty for finding moments of happiness?

[TheWorstIsOver]

I just posted a few days ago because I lost my mother on March 12th. She was my best friend, my whole heart, my everything, and a part of me died when she passed away. 

 

 

I thought that I would spend the rest of my life miserably, not caring about anyone else around me, not caring about myself, only missing her.. Grieving her death. I thought everyday would be a struggle to not cry because something reminds me of her, or a family member is telling me how much she loved me. But it isn't anymore..

 

It's been 5 days since my mother passed away and I am finding so much beauty in the world, so soon. It's almost like losing her gave me such a great appreciation for my own life (I'm someone who used to believe I was "invincible" so I never cared much for the gift of life, etc). I am laughing and smiling, enjoying time with my friends, going out to run errands and take my Goddaughter to the park. I am really doing okay. And that makes me feel so guilty.

 

Of course, her memory will live on with me forever. I will always remember her and all the good times we shared. I am so grateful that I'm lucky enough to have spent 20 years with her, and that we built such strong, long-lasting memories together. It kills me to know that she will never see me graduate college, will not spend my 21st birthday with me, see my children when I have them, walk me down the aisle at my wedding, etc.. But I know that she will be looking down on me, smiling, probably boasting about me because she was always so proud of everything I did.

 

Yesterday, I spoke on the phone with my cousin for almost 2 hours, and we laughed and laughed about all the crazy, funny things my mother used to do and say. I thought it would take me years to be able to do that; it only took me 5 days. I thought I would be a zombie for years to come, but I'm not. I bounced right back to the same sarcastic clown that I am. Of course, like I said, there are parts of me that have died.. But I am still breathing. 

 

I know the cliches.. "She would want you to be happy" "She doesn't want you to cry" "She's at peace" "She's happy" "She's not in any more pain" blah blah. But it doesn't make me stop feeling any less guilty that it hasn't even been a full week and I am no longer crying. There are parts of each and every single day that I will get a little choked up, and I will feel my heart swell with sadness, but it does not bring me to my knees anymore. I do not hysterically cry anymore. I'd like to believe that my mother is helping me, because every night as I'm saying "good night" to her, I ask her to help me find strength and happiness (oddly enough, I wake up every morning in a good mood!). 

 

I just am so afraid that she'll think I didn't care/don't care about her and her passing (she always struggled with feeling unloved -- you could have moved mountains for her and she would still think that you didn't love her). Within the past two days (day 4 and day 5 after her passing), I've often found myself making myself sad, upset or cry because I feel that I owe it to her. I feel terrible that I don't spend my days and nights crying anymore. I do distract myself to avoid the immense feelings of sadness that come rushing in, but I'm honestly doing okay. And I feel so guilty for being okay so soon after her passing.

 

Has anyone else witnessed this? Do you have any advice? Please.. Do not sugarcoat anything or spare my feelings. I am quite numb, still and I've never been one to be too sensitive to handle the truth (especially when it comes to me/my own flaws). Thank you for reading this. For any responses. For just listening to me. Seriously, thank you.

[ModKonnie]

Theworstisover,

I am very sorry about the loss of your mom. Your reaction honestly sounds perfectly normal. The night my dad died, we all sat around laughing about great memories of him. Later, we all cried our hearts out, and then we laughed again. I don't think your experience sounds any different.

 

Grieving is so individual; many people experience a rollercoaster ride of emotions that can change from day to day or even hour by hour. It's okay. Just keep talking, sharing, laughing, crying, and loving.

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[MissuDad]

Theworstisover,

 

Like mod Konnie said, we all grieve differently, but guilty is a normal part of the process. I still remember how I felt the first time I smiled after my dad died, it was full of guilty and some weird feeling along with it...

 

As you asked no to sugarcoat it for you, you can also be in denial which is also common, besides the first days are extremely confusing and full of mixed feelings, what you´re feeling now, might not be the same you´ll be feeling tomorrow. Just let yourself feel whatever comes, keep talking and sharing your feelings, it helps a lot.

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

Theworstisover,

I don't think your feelings are as unnatural as you may feel they are. I didn't cry at all when my dad died in 2010. I laughed and went on about usual but we differ because I did that because i was able to convince myself he was still alive and in the hospital like he had been the past two months. I just had myself convinced..because pretending was easier then accepting. It made me kind of mute to what was really happening. So missu could be right, it could be a denial sort of thing. You're not going to be perfect through the grieving process. I would like to meet the person who thinks they are. No one is intended to be good at it or bad at it. The way you cope doesn't define who you are or ever was as a person. grief acts in strange way, in its own unique way, to each individual person. Its okay to have good days then bad, its okay to be completely bad for months, its okay to be happy and at peace with what's happened. there are not any rules to grieving.

As long as your mother is in your heart, regardless if there are tears streaking on your face or a smiles and laughter, she will always know what an exceptional daughter/son you were. Believe it or not.

Sorry for your loss, hugs to you.

Chelsea

[Trish91]

Hi TheWorstIsOver,

 

I am truly sorry for your loss, but glad to see that you are moving on with your life, regardless of the pain. I lost my mom three months ago, and the first two weeks or so I was really numb and in shock, but then, sadness comes and goes, and when it comes, it hits me like really hard and overwhelms me. I loved my mom deeply, still do, always will, and I know that her spiritual energy is with me and always will be, until my time comes to join her in the spirit world.

 

Anyhow, I think you need to give yourself time to grieve, cry and scream when you need to, and live one day at the time. At present, you are still numb, in shock and even perhaps in denial, so don't rush it, as grief over the loss of such an important person will not disappear. You will manage, and your mom is giving you the strength for it, but it will not magically disappear, I am afraid.

 

Everybody grieves differently, that is true, and there are no good or bad ways to grieve. However, I believe that sadness over somebody we loved so much is unavoidable, and hits us when we least expect it.

 

Take care of yourself, and take it slowly.

 

Warm regards

[Tpop]

Theworstisover,

 

I lost my mother 2 weeks a go and she was my everything, like yourself I am confused with my emotions. I thought I would be more emotional, crying every day and depressed etc but I have an inner strength that is keeping me going. I feel as though she is giving me this strength. I also find comfort in knowing she is always around me so my reaction to her not being here isn't as emotional as I thought it would be. I ask myself, is there something wrong with me? Am i being insensitive? And I feel a bit guilty too, she might think i don't care about her. Like the others are saying, we might be in denial and numb to the situation, and it might hit us one day like a tonne of bricks. I guess everyone is different and processes things differently.

 

All the best.

[Tpop]

In relation to my last post, I was definitely in my first stage of grieving "Denial", reality has hit me like a tonne of bricks and I am in pain. The mind cannot handle such a traumatic event therefore it goes in shock mode, which I was in for a few weeks... I have a long way to go.