Moving out but still hard to move "forward"

[andysgirl]

Here I am, almost 14 months after the passing of my boyfriend & I'm about to make a big move - by moving out of our apartment & into my first house. It is so bittersweet, knowing that this house would have been the perfect 1st house for us, but feeling somewhat anxious to get into a new space. The conflicting emotions are confusing, the feeling of guilt for taking a step forward but the feeling of brief happiness by being able to distract myself with the thoughts of moving to a new place, decorating etc.

The house I bought is in my hometown where I haven't lived in close to 10 years - but I felt this desperate need to go back to what felt comfortable, like home. Maybe it will help. Who knows. My mom, dad & close friends hope it will help me to refocus, maybe it will. Maybe it won't. Then there are those who say things like "that's so great, you must be so stoked to be buying your first house!" Um no, not stoked, it is a necessity because the walls of this apartment feel like they're closing in on me. Think before you speak. It makes me irate, especially after I've expressed why I feel it's time to move.

Also, I am making myself crazy with the fear that he won't be with me when I go - in my logical mind I know that he is always with me but in my heartbroken mind the thought of not feeling him around when I leave this place makes me sick.

Also I still surprise myself, how many times a day I think of conversations I should be having with him - does he like the house, would he like this paint colour, remember that time that we did this or that, you'll never believe what I heard today etc etc etc then I wait to tell him or call him or text him & for a moment I think I can, and then I remember I can't. Those times, for me, are the worst. The sinking in your stomach knowing you can't.

The tears may be less frequent, replaced with a feeling of numbness and scattered thoughts, but the heartache, the heartache is always there. Sometimes showing on my face or in my mood and sometimes hiding behind a smile or the ability to hold down a decent conversation. But it's always there. A part of me.

Sigh.

Just felt the need to get out what's been weighing on my mind. Thank you for reading, wishing you all a peaceful night

[Annie_]

If you think it will bother you leaving the apartment and the good memories you had there, you may want to go around and take pictures before you start packing up.  I did that when I had to go through my husband's office at work and pack up his personal things to bring home.  I took pictures of the things he had on display, the photos on the wall, how he had his desk arranged--all the things that made that office him. 

 

I haven't gone back to look at the pictures yet, but just knowing I have them made it a little easier when I did pack the things to bring home.  Now whenever I want I can look at the pictures and remember the times we worked together or I came over to have lunch with him in his office.  I've thought about doing the same thing at home whenever I feel able to start making changes here.