Lost my mother 2 days ago.. Trying to keep it together.

[TheWorstIsOver]

I am only 20 years old and I lost my mother 2 days ago very suddenly. I have to travel back home, over 1,000 miles to find out the cause of death and take care of funeral arrangements. I have no siblings and no father, only an aunt and a few cousins who are trying to comfort me but have never really been there.

 

I won't lie, it's nice to share the grief with my older cousin, because my mother practically raised her, so I know she feels the same (not the exact, but similar to) pain that I feel. 

 

I need some guidance. I had struggled with my faith for a while and this just kind of pushed me over the edge; for my mother's sake, I hope there is a heaven and a God. With my own beliefs, I'm so angry that I hope there isn't a God, so he doesn't feel the hatred I feel towards him. 

 

My friends are great, I have 3-4 best friends who are an absolute blessing. They are trying their absolute best to be there for me 24/7 and find the words to say, and I can't thank them enough. But that doesn't matter because they aren't my mom.

 

Everyone is looking to me for answers but I don't know what to do. I'm only 20. They don't teach you how to pick up your life when the person you love with every part of you has died. They don't tell you how to breathe when you want to die. I don't know how to schedule a funeral. I don't have money; I'm in college. No one is letting me mourn, they're just expecting me to comfort them and know what to do. And it's not fair because she was my mother. No one loved her as much as I did. She was my best friend. She was my whole heart. And now she's gone and I feel like I can't breathe without her. 

 

Every single thing reminds me of her. Everything. We were on terrible terms, having not spoken for a week, the day that she passed away. Allegedly, according to my uncle (who claims he spoke to her a week before she passed), she was diagnosed with Stage 3 Pancreatic cancer and didn't want me to know because I was "doing well in school and I was happy". She "didn't want to ruin that for me". But I wish she would have spoken to me. Told me she loved me one last time. At least said goodbye to me.

 

I am orphaned now but I do not feel alone. I feel like she's with me and she will be with me until we meet again. I am trying to stay strong and get through everyday, but it kills me. 90% of who I am died when she died, and I know that I'll never be the same. 

 

Everyone tells me to cry and let it all out, instead of bottling it up like I normally do. But they don't understand that's my body's natural reaction. I hate crying because it exhausts me and makes me feel worse. But I can't help but cry. She was alone when she died.. I don't know if she felt alone. If she felt like I didn't care or I didn't love her. I don't know where she is or if she's okay. If she's really "not in pain anymore" like everybody says. I don't know anything and that absolutely kills me. I can't help but think that if I were there, it would have been different. 

 

I talk to her everyday. I recorded her voicemail so I can still hear her voice. I look at her picture and it brings me to tears. I can't help but ask her how she could leave me. How she could do this to me. I have been through a lot in this lifetime, more than the average adult and I've barely lived, but this is the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I collapsed to the floor when I found out and every single day, I feel like I want to collapse to the floor and just sink into it. I want to be with her. I want to hug her again and tell her how much I love her. I want to tell her that I'm so sorry for everything. I want to see her again and I want to hear her voice. It's been 2 days but I miss her like it's been 5 years. 

 

I don't know how people survive this. I never have known. 

 

I'm sorry that I've rambled, I just wanted to vent and no one close to me really understands. I don't want to put all the pressure on them, make them feel like they need to say something to make me feel better. I don't want to burden them with my misery, even though I know they would never judge me or turn me away. 

 

 

Does it get easier? Will I ever be able to hear the song she used to sing to me as a kid and not bawl my eyes out? Will I be okay with hearing her name come up in conversation, with graduating from college and having kids without her there to congratulate me or meet them? I know that life goes on, and it's unfortunate because although I've practically died as well, I'm still breathing. But I don't know if I'll ever be okay. She was the only family that I had (my aunt/uncle/cousins were never really there). She was my best friend. She was my everything. My whole heart. And now she's gone and I don't know how to live without her. 

[k.damir]

Does it get easier? Will I ever be able to hear the song she used to sing to me as a kid and not bawl my eyes out? Will I be okay with hearing her name come up in conversation, with graduating from college and having kids without her there to congratulate me or meet them? I know that life goes on, and it's unfortunate because although I've practically died as well, I'm still breathing. But I don't know if I'll ever be okay. She was the only family that I had (my aunt/uncle/cousins were never really there). She was my best friend. She was my everything. My whole heart. And now she's gone and I don't know how to live without her. 

 

Well, I still struggle with the loss of my mom, 2 years later, but yes, it gets easier. For example, at the beginning I could not watch the photos of my mom and now I can and I even laugh if I have some associations with these photos.

 

Your loss is still very, very fresh and it is totally normal to feel the way you feel.

 

I am sorry for your loss.

[Bonitaellada]

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 2 weeks ago and was not there for her when she passed away. I feel terrible. Still in tears. I know exactly how you feel. I ask exactly the same questions. I am still in denial thinking that tomorrow I will call her and talk like we do every day. What do people do when they miss someone so much? She was my best friend too. I feel so lonely without her though I have a supportive family but as you said they are not my mother. Mom had cancer. She suffered for 8 months. Everybody is saying that she is in a better place now where there is no pain and suffering but what about me? I am in pain and I am suffering. Why did she leave so soon. Sometimes I am even anger at her for giving up so quickly. Is this normal. I know it's not her fault and she tried to be strong till the end. I don't know how to live without her. I am trying to deal with this but I don't think I will ever get over it. My mom was an angel. The most selfless person I have ever known. Sometimes I wish she were a bad mother so that I don't miss her that much. Is this normal. I feel like I am slipping into depression and I don't know what to do.

[MissuDad]

Dear T,

 

I´m really, really sorry for your loss

 

That sense of not worth living is normal and so are the questions you´re asking yourself. It´s a hard journey, but it gets more tolerable over time, your pain is still so raw and you won´t be able to see anything any light now, but minute, by minute, time will go by and somehow we go through it.

 

Regarding your questions, I don´t know if you and your mom are religious, if you are and she ever mentioned what she wanted her funeral to be like, try and make that, otherwise as you are probably the person that knows your mom the best, do what you think she would want.

 

I don´t know where you are from, but usually the state covers most of the funeral, if not all when people can´t afford it, ask one of your friends to check that out for you and allow yourself just to make the importante decisions.

 

All parents argue with their kids, you don´t need to feel guilty, your mom didn´t want you to know she was sick, so she was happy with that decision and that´s what she wanted for you, to be happy.

 

Regarding bottling it up, I´m like you, but  learned the hard way, how unhealthy and debilitating it can be, if you can´t cry/scream and you need to, get some help, go to a place without anyone and scream your heart out, if you need crying, give yourself a time of the day to remember your mom, listen to certain songs and the tears will come. Writing here and sharing your story also helps. You have to do what feels right for you.

 

A big hug and hang in there, we´ll be here for you

 

[shania]

I lost my dad three days ago, i know what your feeling. And all i can say is if you ever need to talk im here.

[RCA]

I am only 20 years old and I lost my mother 2 days ago very suddenly. I have to travel back home, over 1,000 miles to find out the cause of death and take care of funeral arrangements. I have no siblings and no father, only an aunt and a few cousins who are trying to comfort me but have never really been there.

 

I won't lie, it's nice to share the grief with my older cousin, because my mother practically raised her, so I know she feels the same (not the exact, but similar to) pain that I feel. 

 

I need some guidance. I had struggled with my faith for a while and this just kind of pushed me over the edge; for my mother's sake, I hope there is a heaven and a God. With my own beliefs, I'm so angry that I hope there isn't a God, so he doesn't feel the hatred I feel towards him. 

 

My friends are great, I have 3-4 best friends who are an absolute blessing. They are trying their absolute best to be there for me 24/7 and find the words to say, and I can't thank them enough. But that doesn't matter because they aren't my mom.

 

Everyone is looking to me for answers but I don't know what to do. I'm only 20. They don't teach you how to pick up your life when the person you love with every part of you has died. They don't tell you how to breathe when you want to die. I don't know how to schedule a funeral. I don't have money; I'm in college. No one is letting me mourn, they're just expecting me to comfort them and know what to do. And it's not fair because she was my mother. No one loved her as much as I did. She was my best friend. She was my whole heart. And now she's gone and I feel like I can't breathe without her. 

 

Every single thing reminds me of her. Everything. We were on terrible terms, having not spoken for a week, the day that she passed away. Allegedly, according to my uncle (who claims he spoke to her a week before she passed), she was diagnosed with Stage 3 Pancreatic cancer and didn't want me to know because I was "doing well in school and I was happy". She "didn't want to ruin that for me". But I wish she would have spoken to me. Told me she loved me one last time. At least said goodbye to me.

 

I am orphaned now but I do not feel alone. I feel like she's with me and she will be with me until we meet again. I am trying to stay strong and get through everyday, but it kills me. 90% of who I am died when she died, and I know that I'll never be the same. 

 

Everyone tells me to cry and let it all out, instead of bottling it up like I normally do. But they don't understand that's my body's natural reaction. I hate crying because it exhausts me and makes me feel worse. But I can't help but cry. She was alone when she died.. I don't know if she felt alone. If she felt like I didn't care or I didn't love her. I don't know where she is or if she's okay. If she's really "not in pain anymore" like everybody says. I don't know anything and that absolutely kills me. I can't help but think that if I were there, it would have been different. 

 

I talk to her everyday. I recorded her voicemail so I can still hear her voice. I look at her picture and it brings me to tears. I can't help but ask her how she could leave me. How she could do this to me. I have been through a lot in this lifetime, more than the average adult and I've barely lived, but this is the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I collapsed to the floor when I found out and every single day, I feel like I want to collapse to the floor and just sink into it. I want to be with her. I want to hug her again and tell her how much I love her. I want to tell her that I'm so sorry for everything. I want to see her again and I want to hear her voice. It's been 2 days but I miss her like it's been 5 years. 

 

I don't know how people survive this. I never have known. 

 

I'm sorry that I've rambled, I just wanted to vent and no one close to me really understands. I don't want to put all the pressure on them, make them feel like they need to say something to make me feel better. I don't want to burden them with my misery, even though I know they would never judge me or turn me away. 

 

 

Does it get easier? Will I ever be able to hear the song she used to sing to me as a kid and not bawl my eyes out? Will I be okay with hearing her name come up in conversation, with graduating from college and having kids without her there to congratulate me or meet them? I know that life goes on, and it's unfortunate because although I've practically died as well, I'm still breathing. But I don't know if I'll ever be okay. She was the only family that I had (my aunt/uncle/cousins were never really there). She was my best friend. She was my everything. My whole heart. And now she's gone and I don't know how to live without her. 

 

 

 

--------------------------------

 

This is my first time posting on this board and I'm not sure that I've posted this correctly, but I wanted to respond to your post.   I read your post and I cried and cried as I read it completely (and I don't cry easily - I'm a big, normally tough guy who can pretty much handle anything except  things like this).  I feel very badly for you and know what you are going through. It WILL get better, trust me.   I was recently in exactly the same situation that you were in around 10 months ago (remarkably similar).  I, too, lost my mother to pancreatic cancer.  She lived around 1000 miles away and was visiting me and passed away here after 1 month in the hospital.  Her death was horrible and shocking and I'm still in disbelief over it.  Just like you, I have no father (he passed away 2 years ago also from cancer), have no siblings (I lost my sister in a car accident 5 years ago), lost both of my uncles in the past 3 years, and both aunts are incapacitated and in nursing homes.  So, I have no relatives for thousands of miles.  Our situations are so remarkably similar that it is stunning.  I, too, had to travel 1000 miles to her home, clean it out entirely by myself, and put it up for sale.  I know what you are going through, believe me.   The sadness is almost too much to bear.  Today was my birthday and I spent it alone (I'm not married and have no family) crying and thinking about the wonderful birthdays that we had, the cakes that she baked for me, etc. etc.  Just writing this is making me start to cry again - crying is totally normal and don't hold it in, please.

 

Anyway, enough about me.  You will have to take one day at a time and make lists of things that have to be done.  Believe me, while it seems right now that your tasks are going to be huge, you WILL get everything done it will just take time.  Do a Google search involving what needs to be done when a person passes away and you will find many web sites with helpful lists.  Don't try to do everything at once.  Be sure to keep up your strength by eating right, getting as much sleep as you can, etc.  Don't neglect yourself.   About funerals, etc. they can be horribly expensive.  Did your family have a burial plot?  If not, you might consider cremation.  Did she have any final wishes that you knew about?    Find a reputable funeral home in your (or her) area and talk with them about options including cremation, etc. 

 

At this point, you'll have a total feeling of hopeless and dispair, but it will pass as you get things in order.  Believe me, things WILL get better and you will get everything done that needs to get done.  I went into shock and didn't eat for a week after she passed and lost a huge amount of weight.  DON'T let this happen to you and keep up your strength, please.  Don't blame yourself for anything.  I fought and argued plenty with my mother, but that is totally normal and we loved each other more than anything.   I didn't get to say goodbye to my mother either - she was unconscious the last time that I saw her, but I kissed her and said goodbye and I ended up crying for almost an hour non-stop after that.  Crying is so totally normal - don't hold it in.  Sometimes, I pretend (or imagine) that she is still there and that this is all just a bad dream, but, as time is passing, I do this less and less.  Things will get better, believe me.   There will be "bumps" in the road (holidays, birthdays, etc.) but, again, as time passes, you will be able to deal with this better and better.  It just takes time and don't ever feel guilty or whatever for crying, having anxiety about being alone, etc. - that is totally normal and those feelings will soften and diminish as time passes.    

 

You sound like a very caring person.   One thing that really helped me was talking with clergy (priest, rabbi, etc.)  I am not a  religious person at all, but speaking with a rabbi (I'm Jewish) was very comforting to me and he was there to listen which is greatly helpful.  Just someone who will listen to you.  Talking about her to someone else can be very, very helpful.  The hospital where my mother passed away offered cost-free grief-counseling services and it really helped me.  Again,  just to talk to someone was comforting.  Believe me, I know what you are feeling - my mother was everything to me and, at her funeral, I felt like I wanted to die right then and there and be with her.  Please believe me, your grief will level out  -  it will take time.    I've done the same things you have (listened to voice mails, etc.) and they made me cry, too.  So, again, please take one step at a time and understand that there are people out there that are willing to talk to you, listen to you and help you out.  Take care and, again, my thoughts and condolences are with you.  Things WILL get better ABSOLUTELY and please don't dispair.         

 

 

 

[darkpira]

 I too, have lost my mother at a young age. I was 17. I then lost my grandmother, her replacement, when I was 20.

You are so strong and will only become stronger. I can see that in the way you write and the way you articulate yourself. Here I am complaining that I only have my brother and father, when you have lost so much more. I feel so selfish even for making a post about my emotional numbness now, knowing that there are people out there like you who have the capacity for so much resilience and life. 
 

You are alive. You collapsed to the floor. Be thankful that you can collapse. I could not. I didn't have the strength to feel. You shall overcome. It's been six years for me. 

I faciliate a support group at my college. One of the attendees has also lost both of her parents. She is strong and it has also been over five years for her as well. She overcame, and so will you friend. 

 

 

 

 

[Trish91]

Dear Darkpira,

 

Thank you so much for your post, it gives us all hope. You are amazing, and although both your dad and brother are still with you, losing your mom and grandma at such a young age must have been devastating, so it's great to see that you are studying and moving on with your life, as both your mom and grandma would have wanted it. They must be so proud of you!

 

Please tell us, how long did it take for you to start to feel more normal? How do you feel now about the physical absence of your mom and grandma? Do you still cry and feel a massive void?

 

I cannot imagine not missing my mom, in fact, I cannot think 10 years ahead, or even one month ahead, I just cannot imagine a life without my mom. I miss her so much. I hope that I can feel some real peace at some point, and reconcile my spiritual beliefs with my rational self and my emotional pain, so that I can connect more easily with my mom and God.

 

I am not religious, but I do have spiritual beliefs, and they help me a lot.

 

Still, any thoughts on how you have managed to go on all this time regardless of your losses, which by the way, I am truly sorry for, would be most welcome.

 

Warm regards