sudden loss of my 14 year old son

[carolinablue]

a little over three weeks ago, my son passed away unexpectedly.  we were sent home from the emergency room, his illness dismissed as the flu.  we had to return six hours later but he never made it home.  all i can see is his face as he cried out in pain.  we couldn't help him.  i cant get that image out of my head.  my wife is distraught so i have to hold it together.  i haven't been to work since and have no desire to return right now but i have to.  i feel like the walls are closing in on me and the pain that sits so deep in my chest will never go away. he was our youngest. our only son (we have two older daughters). my namesake. how do we survive?

[Matt1313]

I hate to tell you but it only gets worst before it gets better.But....it will get better.I can't even beleive I am actually typing this,but it's true.The loss will be there forever,to accept that he will never come back is the hardest part.

So this is how you go into survivor mode: Just go day to day for now.Don't make plans,just be close and open to your wife and daughters.They need to hear you say your sad,your scared,it hurts,they need to know that you are all in this together as a family.2nd,you will go into this rewind mode of what if's. What if I would of done this,or that...don't.It will drive you over the edge.For now,concentrate on you,your wife and your daughters.Trust me,your wife is distraught...so are you ! You don't need to "hold it together",you need to be human and and let it all out,the walls will then not feel so constrict if that makes any sense,3rd,you have no chise my friend,you need to "survive" for those you love left behind,You are now embarquing on a journey that is totally unknown to us until we become one of "them". Those who have lost a child,Your life just took an abrupt turn into a totally different direction now. what mattered then seems so irrelevant now.Plans you had then will have to be altered now.But just know this,your son is right there beside you,so when you think your all alone,your really not.My thoughts are with you and trust me when I say.... I feel your pain, Carmen

[shorty16]

Carolinablue

I feel your pain. Our 16 year old son died on 6-19-08 from a car crash. One minute we are happy and the next moment we are crushed with pain.

You are so new to the grief. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to cry and scream. There is no right or wrong way to grieve unless you hurt yourself or others.

I took off work for over 1 month. Then I went back to work 32 hours a week for over 1 year. I found work to be a welcome distraction from the constant movie playing in my head.

You are not alone. There are a lot of parents who outlive their children. For us who are longer in this new life, we try to bring hope to those new to this place.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Come here to the Loss of an adult child thread. We post there.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[carolinablue]

I have a difficult time watching my wife as she frequently breaks down. Some work would be a welcome distraction but I also dont want to be away from her for too long.  I have problems replaying those last hours in my head. That causes me great stress.  My wife is holding onto a guilt that seems to have a hold on her like nothing else. We started counseling and met with The Compassionate Friends chapter in NY but those sessions and meetings dont seem to happen often enough.  Eventually have to go back to Carolina if only to pack up to transfer and move back to NY.  What did we do wrong?

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Carolina,

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your son....I lost my son suddenly when someone ran him over in his own lane on a way to a doctor's appt...I too suffer from much guilt...

 

I was a complete zombie for awhile...what a counselor recommended to me is to make a "safe space" in my house, I choose my living room oversized corner chair, bought a soft throw, put next to it my journal, books, and bible. I also had bought calming teas...by Celestrial Seasonings...I cocooned there for a long time...and I still do time to time.

 

I also started on Lorazepam at .5 mg twice a day...until my body could stop reacting. If she has any comforting family or friends that could come and just nurse her along that might be good...

 

I am again sorry for your loss...many parents meet in the Loss of an Adult child thread...

 

 

[chrispierre]

Hi Carolinablue.

 

  I understand what you are going through. i came upon this forum in search of finding others who may understand what i/we are going through as well. We lost our only son (and only child) 1 month ago tomorrow. He was a vivacious,loving 21 year old. We lost him tragically while he was on his way to work and stopped to help someone else in a car crash. The other victim survived, our son did not.

 

I understand how hard it is for you to get up each day and try to function. we both just went back to work last week and i don't beleive it may have been the right decision, unfortunately.....it isnt that easy to be away for such an extended period of time. The little moments of distraction are welcoming, though going home each night feels more painful every day.

 

I wish i had some words to help, but i don't. I am so sorry you are going through this as i know how unbearably difficult it is.

I hope that we all find a way to get up each day and maybe some day soon find it in us for a smile from a fond memory.

 

Stay strong...