feeling so alone

[mooshell57]

I lost my mom in July 2011 and my dad in May 2013. My mom had been sick for many years and was diagnosed with many illnesses. If the truth were to be told...NO doctors knew what was wrong. I got home from work one day and she was sleeping. She died an hour later but we did not know until we went to wake her up for dinner. That is when the paramedics told us she was gone 2 hours and we did not know. Five months before that, my dad was diagnosed with ttp, a rare blood disease. He was also diagnosed with renal failure. He was never sick a day in his life.

 

My parents and I had dealt with a  lot over the years and we considered ourselves the three musketeers. We knew we could only count on the three of us to be there for one another. I have two brothers but things were not good with them. I was the main caregiver to both parents when my dad became so ill. Many days I could not deal with it. I remember one time, after calling 911 for both parents, yelling through the house telling God I cannot take this anymore. I still cannot believe they are gone. Since my moms death, I have attempted suicide and been in the hospital 3 other times for thinking of suicide.

 

My mom and I talked about everything. When my dad was in the hospital, and he was in there a lot at first, we were all we had. We talked a lot about what was going on with my dad and we helped each other through it. My mom died not even 6 months after my dads diagnosis. Then it was my dad and I and he still had a lot of trips to drs and hospitals. I told him the day before he died that it was ok for him to go. That I would be ok. Now I live with knowing I lied to my dad because I am far from ok. I just didn't want him to suffer anymore.

 

I also lost my grandma in November 2013. She had some illnesses as well. I am tired of feeling and hearing other people say that at least they are not suffering anymore. Yes, I know they aren't and that is the only good thing because they all suffered a lot, especially at the end. However, that does not help the hole in my heart. They say time heals, I am not seeing it. Some days I am ok and whenever I laugh or do anything, I feel guilty. I want my parents back! Not with the illnesses because I don't want them to suffer but I need them back.

 

I feel completely alone since they died. Yes, I have my brothers back in my life but its not the same. I lost 2 of the 3 musketeers and I just don't know how to go on anymore. I feel like I have no one. My brothers were not around for years and they have no idea how I feel. I know they are grieving in their own ways, but how could they know how I feel? Many times I need to talk to someone and yet I have no one to talk to.

 

If anyone could help me with suggestions on how not to feel so lonely...I would really appreciate it!

[MissuDad]

Hi Mooshell57,

 

I´m really sorry for you losses, you´ve been through a lot, not having both your parents must bring a huge void to you I alreay feel a huge void and still have my mom, although sick, I still have her, but live terrified of something happening to her

 

I also have a sister, but we´re a bit apart now and I can´t really count on her for emotional support, so pretty much feel alone... My mom and dad were together in the same house but not emotionally envolved and as she´s sick I don´t really talk to her about this...

 

When I feel very lonely, I try to help a friend in need, come here, write to my dad, go to the gym, cry or speak to someone I trust... It´s not a perfect plan, but sometimes it helps.

 

As you tried suicide, are you doing any therapy? Feel free to text me

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

Moo,

I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. Death is as hard to understand as life is. There's a reason you haven't completed suicide and its simple. Its not your time to leave this earth. It may feel like you have no purpose but you do. Everyone does..there has to be. I can't believe evolution just put us all here to just look pretty. There is a purpose, its just our job to find it. It won't happen over night...you just have to believe in yourself. Death is hard to handle. Hard to comprehend. And downright impossible to forget. But we can't take the life our parents gave us for granted. I hope you find the comfort you seek.

As for loneliness. It is hard to want to do more and surround youself with positive people and positive energy because you, yourself are not in a positive state of mind. Time doesn't heal it if we stay stuck, in my opinion. We have to move ourselves. Life isn't going to hand us any easy buttons. Do something as simple as volunteering, or pick up some new hobbies if you're willing to try. Maybe a big brother/big sister program. Or an animal shelter. Maybe get a camera and start some photography. There are so so so many things in this world to enjoy. I hope you find something to occupy yourself. And I hope you find peace.

-chelsea

[cindyjane]

Moo, I am so sorry for your losses.  We all go through different thoughts and feelings around the loss

of a loved one and I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel.  I lost my dear mom last October

and my heart is still so heavy over that.  I have tried different methods when the tears come and I am

feeling overwhelmed with sadness and the only thing that works for me is thanking GOD for blessing

me with such a wonderful and beautiful mom.  I also thank HIM for the precious time that I had with her.

Taking her for tests, to appointments, for short outings to the mall, to the hair dresser.  Although helping

her out took a lot of time and energy, but I look back and see those times as a special gift! 

 

My sister and brother distanced themselves from our parents in their elder years and I am guessing it

is because they couldn't handle dealing with the health issues or just didn't want to help out.  This left

much on my shoulders, but again, I feel blessed for that time whether it was having meals with them or

getting them to appointments. 

 

You mentioned that one time when your burden was so heavy that you yelled out to God that you

could not take it anymore.  HE heard you!  HE always hears us and whether we see it or not, HE is

there for us to carry us through those very difficult times.  I believe that HE led you right here to this

place of support and understanding.  Please take care and keep asking HIM for help and comfort.

 

Cindy