I don't know how to do this..

[Bellariven]

I lost my mum to lung cancer on the 27th February, It had spread to her neck and her brain and it was aggressive.

I don't know how to do this, I'm floundering in a pool of hopelessness and despair...

We only got her final diagnosis at the end of January and right before her treatment was due to start she collapsed and was taken to hospital! we were told that she was too fragile and that the cancer was too aggressive to treat successfully as the doses they would have to give would be to high, she was moved to a hospice and a week later she passed away. She was 54 and so full of life.

It was so quick I feel robbed, people keep saying at least she didn't suffer and all I want to say is that's great I know she didn't suffer but we had one final week with her which was nowhere near enough and now I am left with this gaping hole where my heart should be because I WAS ROBBED!!!!!!

I'm on auto pilot, I've barely cried and I am struggling but feel I Can't tell anyone, I want to scream and shout and get angry at someone or something and tell them it's not fair how dare they take my darling mum away and to give her back to me.

It's her funeral on Thursday and I don't know how I am going to do it, I can't and don't want to say goodbye.

I want to say I've had enough and f'it I'm not doing this anymore, I'm not hurting anymore, I'm going to feel I have had my heart ripped out of my chest leaving a gaping hole that won't stop bleeding.

I miss her so much, I want to talk to her, I want to cuddle her, I want to tell her I love her again and have her answer with I love you too, I want to see her rock out one last time to her favorite local band, I want her to hold me whilst I cry for her and tell me it will all be ok even though it won't be.

I CAN'T DO THIS.......

[Joschoe]

I too lost my Dad back in August and I know how devasting the death of someone you love can be. what helps me to deal with this is my relationship with God Psalms 34:18 tells us that he is near to the broken hearted and those crushed in spirit he saves. Do not underestimate the power of prayer. The bible says throw your burdens on him and he will sustain you in Psalms 55:22. Those scriptures and my hope of seeing him again soon on earth helps to keep me going. I have had much encouragement from an article I read " When someone you love dies. If you would like to read it email me and I will send you information on where you can find it

[mooshell57]

I know exactly how you feel! I lost my mom in July 2011 and my dad in May 2013. They both had illnesses that no doctors could really help. I also lost my grandma in November 2013. I got tired of hearing and thinking to myself at least they didn't suffer. I miss my parents so much! We were the 3 musketeers. I still need my parents. My mom and I talked about everything together. And now I feel incredibly alone. They say time heals but I still hurt everyday.

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

Bella,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.

My father died of liver cancer in 2010. And I was the same way when he died. I didn't even cry at his funeral. Its hard to feel emotion with something that is so incredibly hard to understand.

Over time, when it sank in though, I found the tears. It happened after I stopped expecting to see him when I walked through my front door and ...waiting for his call to yell at me to get home cause he knew I was up to no good out and about at 3 a.m. It took a very long time to settle in. I even left home for weeks after he died so I didn't have to acknowledge all the flowers and cards and visitors there to respect his passing. I completely shut down. I was mute. I felt nothing.

So I could ignore it.

Its something I regret very much. I wish I had found those tears sooner. And I hope you do too. But its the hardest thing to do. To show emotion makes it real.

You're in my thoughts. Especially through the funeral..cause the last goodbye is the roughest.

Chelsea

[Joschoe]

I know how you feel . It hurts so bad it makes you angry and that's ok  Its just part of the grieving process ,its a natural accompaniment to the hurt you feel.  Maybe you can find comfort in talking about her with a understanding friend. Proverbs 17:17 tells us a true friend shows love at all times and is a brother who is born for in times of distress.  I have found that my friends have really helped me to get thru the loss of my father. its ok to let go of the pain ,then it can make way for all the treasured memories you have of her Ecclesiastes 17:17 tells us there's a time for everything, to weep, to laugh, etc

[Trish91]

Dear Bellariven,

 

I also lost my mom to lung cancer, three months ago exactly, and I am still devastated, angry, sad, demotivated and in shock. I miss her terribly, all the time, and though I can laugh at times and have got good people in my life, including a lovely husband, nothing and nobody can replace my mom and the relationship and love that we had.

 

I also feel cheated and robbed, for my mom never smoked, and was always full of life and really healthy, going to the doctor regularly and doing all the right things. There was no history of lung cancer in our family and she was 67. Among her many siblings, some are older and childless, and pretty neglectful of their health, but they're intact. So, I wanna scream at the world because I cannot comprehend this. Rationally I can, but emotionally I cannot.

 

My mom's cancer was also diagnosed only two and half weeks before she died. I never would have wanted her to suffer indefinitely, but I also would have wanted her to live a lot longer.

 

I do believe that she's in a much better place, free from all pain, and that we'll meet again. Her spirit is with me, even if my brain cannot see her or feel her, not yet, anyway, as I am too sad and anxious to  really connect with her. However, I talk to her every day, and I'd love to hug her, kiss her, talk to her, laugh with her, hear her voice, and see her beautiful  eyes once more. We were the best of friends, and nothing and nobody compares to her.

 

Anyhow, I do understand what you are going through, that's what I wanted to say. How are you feeling since the funeral? How did it go during it? Do you have a good support network?

 

This forum has been great for me, it's helped me immensely, and here nobody will judge you.

 

Take your time to grieve, take it one day at the time, and express your feelings as they come. Look after yourself, I understand how hard and painful it is, and life will never be the same, but we need to keep living until our time comes. I think time will help.

 

Warm regards, and you're in my thoughts. I am really sorry for your loss!

 

Trish