Wake Up Call

[frankly]

It's been a long night.  Yesterday was the first "good" day I have had since Jerry died.  By "good",  I mean I haven't woke up crying and fell asleep crying.  I didn't sit around all day looking at his pictures.  I ate.  I took a shower.  I went through the motions without starting that conversation with myself as to weather or not I even wanted to be on this earth any more.  For me, that was a good day.

 

By the evening, I almost felt like a little bit of my old self was coming through.  But my arm and shoulder was kind of hurting.  It felt like I had twisted it or something.  No big deal.  I go to put muscle rub cream on it hoping to ease the discomfort.  When I opened the tube, the smell didn't hit me like it normally does, so I look a little closer.  It's hemorrhoid cream!  Jerry had switched the two and put them in the wrong boxes....  LOL.  I'll never know if he did it on purpose or not, I suspect that he did.

 

The  muscle cream didn't help.  My arm and shoulder just kept hurting worse.  Within the hour, my whole arm was throbbing and the pain in my shoulder was going into my back.  It finely dawned on me that this wasn't a twisted arm.  The pain was traveling.  It was a blood clot.

 

It's my own fault.  I'm on blood thinners and since Jerry died, I haven't been taking my pills.  I would forget.  Then I would remember and take one.  Or I would remember to take one, then second guess myself because I couldn't remember if I had already taken it or not, so I wouldn't.

 

I'm going to be perfectly honest with all of you here, because I know that some of you are in a place that I myself have been in for three months.  When I realized what was going on, I stopped and thought about what I was going to do.  Here was my chance.  I could do nothing and let nature take its course.  This could be over for me once and for all.  I wouldn't have to do anything but wait.  No one here to care or save me.........

 

Which road to choose?  I had wanted this and here it was.  Last night, I decided that I want to live.  Even though it hurts like hell to go on without Jerry, I still want to live.  It's not just that I HAVE to live any more.  I want to. I no longer want to dance with the idea of joining him.  At least not yet. 

 

It was all weird last night.  A lot of things ran through my head.  I didn't have Jerry here to take care of me.  I was on my own.  Taking care of "me" was my responsibility now.  Amazingly, one part of me felt so alone, but for the first time, I almost didn't feel alone.  I wasn't panicked.  I was pretty calm.  Somehow I knew that everything was going to be alright and it was.

 

I'm still here today.  I did it by myself.  I'm fine now.  My arm and shoulder still hurts a little bit and the left side of my body feels a little "off", but the clot is gone.  I'm back on my blood thinners and this time, I'm going to make sure I take care to keep track of my dosage and take them like I'm supposed to.

 

I don't like this new life without Jerry.  I hate it actually.  Nothing will ever be the same.  But something changed for me last night.  I'll never love again like I love Jerry.  He will always be in my heart and in my life like he is still right here. I will always miss him.  I will probably always cry for what I no longer have with him.  I can't help that, I can't change it.  What I can do and what I'm going to try to do, is to start loving myself and caring about myself.  I owe that to him....... and to myself.

[backyarder1]

Frankly, I am so, so glad to read your message. I have shared your sadness and I know it has been difficult for you so I am glad that things are getting better for you. Maybe the thoughts and prayers of others on this group have helped you. Or maybe you just found that strength within yourself. Whatever it is, I am happy and joyous for you!!!

[frankly]

Backyarder, thank you.  I'm under no delusion that this will be easy.  Jerry wasn't just my husband, he was my friend, my companion and my caretaker.  I had grown to rely on him for everything.  From love to food.  When I lost him, I lost my support system.  This is scary.  The uncertainty of what life holds for me without him.  It's not like I'll ever be out in this world meeting new friends.  So I have to find a way to play the cards dealt to me. One day at a time.  At least I have to try.  My puppies need me.  

[MissingDaniel]

Frankly, that is an important turning point for you.  I am glad that you have found that strength within yourself to help you keep moving forward.  I hope things continue to move in the right direction, though I know the road is very uneven and setbacks are bound to come.  But it sounds like you have reached an important decision that will allow you to take care of yourself and try to find happiness as Jerry would want you to do.  You will be in my thoughts!

[backyarder1]

Frankly, I was thinking about you last night when I was talking to one of my grief counselors. The thought was also prompted by one of the books that I am reading that reminded me that "finding love again" really means just finding it within ourselves. I thought about your message and the fact that you do seem to have decided to love again. You have decided to love yourself. This is such a hard process for all of us. All we can do is try to keep moving forward.

[Sammijo2424]

Loving myself is so much harder than loving anyone else. I have never been too overjoyed with me, I am really working on it though. So happy to hear the decision you have made, for at least 7-8 months I just prayed for The Lord to take me, just let me die, even tried my hardest to hasten it along.

Today I want to live, I know I will see my husband again, I still miss him, cry for him, mourn him, but have decided that just existing is not enough, I choose to live. Some days I still stay curled up in bed, with shades down, depressed beyond measure, but I try every day to leave house for something, even if it is to just go get a diet coke.

[frankly]

It does feel as if I've entered a different phase of grief.  Last night it overwhelmed me again.  I couldn't stop crying,  My poor puppies were so upset because I was upset.  It is different for me now though.  I did stop crying and fell asleep.  I didn't get up pacing the floor in a desperate need to find an exit to it all.  

 

You know, we aren't just grieving their loss.  I know I'm grieving the loss of me as well.  When he died, the old Barbara died too.  I grieve her loss.  I grieve the loss of everything that was safe and secure before Jerry died.  We are grieving the loss of the future hopes and dreams.

 

 

[backyarder1]

That is one of the first things that one of my grief counselors said, Frankly. That what I was really grieving was the loss of my role in life. I was no longer Tom's wife and that had been my identity for so long. Things do change in our grieving process but I still don't know what it is that will help us finally find relief. I pray that we figure it out soon and then can share it with the others here.

[HeyJude]

I really think that what makes loosing a spouse so different from losing someone else is that our spouses are half of us.  We lose more than just the person like you said Betsy.  We lose our purpose, our dreams, the one person who completed us.  I have a friend at work who keeps telling me about her losing her parents.  I want to tell her that this is so different.  We all know that we are going to lose our parents, that is the natural progression of things.  Our spouse isn't suppose to die and especially young.  That makes it even worse.  My dad passed and my mom has handled it so well.  They had over 50 yrs of marriage plus my dad was very sick with cancer.  It was actually a relief when he passed because we just couldn't stand to see him suffer so much.

 

No one knows what we are dealing with except for someone who has lost their spouse as well.  It also seems that people of the same age group seem to stick together more.  My heart breaks every time a young person has to join this forum.  I had 34 yrs with Jerry, these kids really got short changed so to speak.  Sad situation.

[brijac]

It is now 2 months since the loss of my dear wife after 49 years of a wonderful marriage. I have had a great deal  of help from members of the forum. There is one thing which is tearing me apart. All the people I speak to tell me that they had received some sort of sign from their departed love ones. I am driving myself to despair as I have had no sign at all. Can any of the members help as to whether they had received signs and after how long after their loved ones had departed. Thank you Brijac

[Heartlight]

It is now 2 months since the loss of my dear wife after 49 years of a wonderful marriage. I have had a great deal  of help from members of the forum. There is one thing which is tearing me apart. All the people I speak to tell me that they had received some sort of sign from their departed love ones. I am driving myself to despair as I have had no sign at all. Can any of the members help as to whether they had received signs and after how long after their loved ones had departed. Thank you Brijac

 

Warm wishes to all.

 

brijac,

 

I have not lost a spouse, but perhaps my experience will be helpful.

 

I was in the pit of despair for a year and a half after my sister died.  I didn't listen to music that entire time.  One day, I heard some information: "they still exists and you can still have contact with them while you are here, but you have to be in the same vibrational frequency... in other words, you must be vibrating pure postive energy, which is who they are now."  I didn't know whether or not to believe that information but I decided in that moment that if there was even the slightest change that it were true, I was going to find my bliss again so I could have contact with my sister.

 

I started putting on Abba - which, I've been meaning to write to them and thank them - and each morning, I would look in the mirror into my eyes and say my name and "I love you" and repeat it until I felt it to be real (which is a very slight shift and took max. 3 times).

 

One month later, I was dancing in my apartment, just completely in bliss, not caring about anything, not even thinking about my sister - not thinking about anything, only just being.

 

And I suddenly felt her dancing with me.  It was an amazing event.  It wasn't that I felt her in my heart but it was as if I felt her presence as in the same room as me, dancing with me.

 

I still cry when I remember how beautiful that moment was for me.

 

<3

[andysgirl]

Hi Brijac, please don't worry if you haven't had any clear cut signs from your wife, I assure you she has not left you. I myself have been "lucky" to have dreams & find physical things that speak to me but a lot of people do not have this - that doesn't mean their loved ones are not there. I've recently moved & am struggling to feel my boyfriend around & I fear I left him in our apartment, but deep down I know he's here. I've just been so stressed I'm not in tune with it. Keep talking to her, before you go to bed ask for her to visit, you might be surprised with your dreams. I don't know if you believe in mediums, I was leery before I knew what it was like to have that presence. But I've made a great connection with one & I see her every few months & it amazes me what he's able to communicate. Maybe something you'd like to consider if you are open to it. I've also become a fan of reiki which is so calming & if your reiki therapist is a good one she/he will connect with all the energies that are around you. But please don't fret, she's there, she always will be. Sometimes they are only able to give us subtle "signs" and maybe we just don't see them right away. When I'm really low I listen to a grief meditation (do a YouTube search) and think of him & talk to him & a warmth comes over me. He blankets me in love and always will - same goes for your wife. Write it down, talk it out & keep believing. She's there.

Hugs to you.