mother unexpectedly passed away, witnessed as a first responder.

[chrislord2010]

On december 28th, my mother passed away unexpectedly due to a aneurysm. She was just 44. This occured shortly before my vaction from school ended. During my school breaks, i volunteer my time as a firefighter and had gotten the call to a medical emergency just down the road from where i was staying at 3 in the morning. It was my mothers house. Needless to say i was the first on scene, only to hear the screams for help from my step father. By the time i got there, it was too late.

The event has huanted me for the last couple of months. I loved my mother dearly. The last time i had seen her was during christmas, and i never got a chance to say i loved her. I didnt even hug her goodbye.

Im upset, mad, sad, still somewhat numb. I have nightmares and renactments of the event often. I cant sleep. I dont know what to do. Ive tried getting help, but it doesnt seem to be working. What do i do?

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear chrislord2010,

 

I relate to you in so many ways. I lost my dad to a ruptured brain aneurysm on January 25th. He was 62 years old. I was living with him at the time that it happened, and I witnessed the whole thing myself first hand. My dad had a lot of other problems from his many years of smoking, but I never expected him to have something like this. Neither of us had any idea how serious it was until it was too late. I thought he was just having a headache, coupled with his emphysema that made him  struggle to breathe which had begun to happen every so often due to the cigarettes. I thought it would go away, just like it always would, but how wrong I was. He ended up falling into a coma on the living room floor and he never woke up again.

 

I've replayed it over and over again. I keep wondering what I should have, could have, would have done to prevent this. I can't seem the make it stop no matter what I do. I have tried to get my mind off of it but it always just comes back again eventually. I have personally not tried to seek out grief counseling or anything of the sort because of this place. This is the only place that remotely made an impact on changing these terrible feelings by finding others who can understand what I am going through. I hope that you can find others like myself to help you through this.

 

It's bad enough to have lost my dad, who was my best friend and my greatest companion, but adding to that the feelings that I was helpless to save him are making it even worse. I am struggling hard with this and have no support in real life, but this forum has given me an outlet to find people who truly "get" what I'm going through. I want you to know that I am here for you. I truly believe that we can get through this by banding together with other grieving.com members. 

 

-Kirbiboh

[Trish91]

Dear chrislord2010,

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. I also lost my mom on 17/12/13, due to lung cancer, which had only been diagnosed two and half weeks prior. My mom was not as young as yours, she was 67, but had always been full of life, and a very healthy person, who exercised regularly, ate well, never smoked in her life, and was passionate about her life, her kids, her job, her family, travelling, helping others out, she was amazingly strong and a beautiful person who touched the life of many and made it slightly better. She was my world, is my world and will always be my world.

 

I always thought she'd live at least till the age of 80, like her own mom and her grandmas, or even to 90, like her great grandfather, but no, she was taken from the most unlikely illness, one of the most lethal forms of cancer, adenocarcinoma of the lung, which went unnoticed and showed no symptoms until it was too late, and the doctors gave up completely on her. Her initial doctor was useless, didn't research enough, didn't investigate enough. I am not a doctor, but I didn't investigate enough, I should have checked on the internet, I should have spoken to people in my family who are doctors, I should have done more, I thought that she in fact had what the doctor had initially diagnosed, herniated discs in her spine.

 

I couldn't stay with her every night while she was in hospital, I couldn't be by her side every single moment when she was dying, as doctors and family kept coming in and out, and I couldn't act spontaneously and naturally, and tell her how much I loved her, how much I'd miss her. I did say so a lot during our life together, and I kissed her and hugged a lot, also during her last days, but I didn't stay with her every night, and sometimes I did not arrive at hospital as early as I should have.

 

I feel guilty for all of that, and for other things, I saw her die though, I kissed her again and closed her eyes once she'd passed, and since then I've cried a lot, but never enough to cleanse myself of this unbearable pain.

 

All I am trying to say is that everybody feels guilty, everybody is somewhat traumatized, and everybody on this forum really hurts every day, but we all help each other out, so please vent with us, tell us how you feel, nobody is going to judge you, we all understand what you are going through.

 

Your mom was way too young to die, and I assume that you are very young as well. So, you need to look after yourself, please continue to get help, take medication if you need to, especially for your anxiety. It's as if you were having PTSD, we have all experienced its symptoms, because losing somebody we love so much is extremely tragic and traumatic, so there is nothing wrong with you, there is a real reason for your body and mind's reaction. But you need to get help. Talk to your family and friends, talk to a therapist, attend a bearevement group, but do not let yourself get sick to the point that you could also suffer a breakdown. Your mom would not wish that at all.

 

She is still with you, in spirit, and surely wants you to live your life to the fullest.

 

We all make mistakes, we all wish that we had done things in a better way, that we had acted differently, that we had been more appreciative, more loving, more caring, less selfish, and that we had been able to do something to save our moms. However, their time had come, their time to go to a much better place, free from all suffering and whole again. There was nothing that we could have done, it was completely beyond my control.

 

Believe me, knowing my mom, she would not have wanted to live feeling sick, unable to walk, read, write, speak, go to the toilet, eat, travel, be autonomous. That would have killed her faster than any cancer. She died quickly, and for that I am truly grateful. It is the only good thing of this tragedy, that she is no longer in pain, that she would never have wanted to live a life without quality. She deserved the best, as did your mom, and living requiring constant assistance is not living, it's a living nightmare, it's hell.

 

Please look after yourself, and you wish to talk, there many of us here who are happy to listen without passing judgement.

 

You loved your mom, still love her, will always love her, and so did she, does she, always, and you did the best that you could under the circumstances, and taking into account that you are just human.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

 

 

 

[allgreenpenguin]

I don't normally post online in forums but I have been struggling since the sudden and unexpected death of my mother two months ago. Your post struck a chord and I wanted to share my story as I feel there is no one else to talk to.

 

I flew back to Australia to visit Mum last Christmas, and I remember feeling so excited at the airport.  I always loved those hugs and tears when she came to pick me up!  When she wasn't there I thought she might have just mixed up the time.  I rang home but no answer.  So I thought she might be on her way...

 

But she never came.  I took a cab home and found the house all locked up.  I managed to get in and looked everywhere - couldn't find her.  I picked up the keys and was about to go to the hospital and then I pushed open the bathroom door, and there she was.  All pale and black and blue - I tired everything and was in a bit of a panic. CPR was hopeless, I already knew that but I kept hoping. The ambulance officers just shook their heads when they arrived.

 

Turns out it was a heart attack, and I was about a day too late.  Even now I am angry at myself for not going home sooner, for not ringing the day before, for not doing more for her the last few months.

 

Christmas was terrible - I woke up and found our cat drowned in the pool out the back (had fallen in and couldn't get back out).  Again I tried CPR but too late.  What a cruel joke.  

 

Mum was everything to me - after my father ran out on us when I was young she worked hard and sacrificed everything to raise my two brothers and I.  She worked so hard and had just retired five days previously, and at least deserved to see one last Christmas with her boys - we hadn't had one together in almost five years.  She was only 63.

 

At the moment I am supposed to be planning a wedding - she wanted to go to Hawaii so we are set to go there.  Every time I see anything to do with Hawaii or think about the wedding I get all upset again.

 

I am back at work and trying to do the best I can but I feel like I am operating at 20 percent.  I've lost interest in hobbies, exercise, even eating.  Life in general I guess.

 

Anyway, I guess I am not the best one to give advice, but I am trying to just be easy on myself and accept all my feelings (anger, guilt, sadness, frustration, jealousy), recognising them for what they are and hoping that it helps the grieving process.  From what I have seen on this site so far, it looks like it could take years.

 

Still can't get the image of her pale, black and blue face out of my head. I keep reliving the scene when I walk in and find her body, and I often wake up panicking or short of breath.

 

[Jillbus]

Allgreepenguin,

I am so very sorry for your lost.  I had a very similar situation.  I called my Mom Christmas eve morning like I called her everyday and when she didnt answer I went over to her house and found her.  It was the absolute worst moment of my life.  She was my EVERYTHING! I too, have a hard time of getting that mental image out of my mind.  It has become somewhat less frequent because I work at it.  The last thing my Mom would want is for me to keep that image in my head.  I am seeing a therapist and I am hoping to get some coping techniques.  Even as I type this message and think about that day, I start to feel nervous and sick all over again.

I do not believe that anything will ever be ok again, but I know I must go on, until the day I can go to Heaven and be reunited with my Mom (and dad too).

I pray blessings on you during this horrible time.  I am glad you came here, we all understand and are here for you.

 

-Jillbus