Is he really gone? Forever. I couldn't save him.

[Jcbury]

My husband and best friend passed away from a severe allergic reaction to peanuts on 2/15/14. I cannot believe he is gone from me forever. I am lost, in shock in a fog afraid and lonely despite all the friends and family surrounding me. There were 500 people at his funeral he was such a wonderful human being. We have been married 27 years and he was 58. I am beyond sad. I tried to save him with epipen and CPR, and am haunted every day with the memory of that horror scene and then the news from the doctor that he was dead. I don't know how I will ever heal ever ever ever. My heart hurts so bad. I miss him

[backyarder1]

Hi JCbury. I am so sorry for your loss. And so sorry that you had to join the rest of us who are suffering this grief. I know there are several of us on here who tried to save our spouses with CPR, etc. and could not, and I think that does seem to make the grief worse. One of my counselors said that is can cause something similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

My husband was only 55 when he passed away on October 29th and it took me awhile to not be haunted by that memory of trying to save him and not being able to.

I am glad you found this website since there is a lot of support here. If you haven't found a grief support group in your area yet, I encourage you to try to find one. Personally, I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found other widows and widowers who understand what I am going through.

You can send me a private message if you ever need to.

BIG hugs to you!

Betsy

[HeyJude]

Peanuts??  Oh Lord, I am so sorry for your loss.  I don't think I could handle something like that.  It's one thing to lose your spouse to cardiac arrest but peanuts?  I know the allergic reaction can be so severe and I'm so sorry that you had to witness that.  I think I'd boycott peanuts for the rest of my life.

 

I cannot believe the number of people who lose someone everyday.  It is mind boggling.  Seems every time I log in here there are two or three new people.  I read your introduction posts and it brings back the memories of those first months.  I know it doesn't seem at all possible that things will get any better.  I don't think they do get better, we just learn how to cope with it all.  I've been widowed for 14 months now and sometimes things are fine and sometimes they are just awful.  My husband was 57 and it was a somewhat sudden death.  I sure wasn't expecting it.

 

This certainly tests your faith, if you are a religious person.  I ask God all the time why??  God knows that I am scared to death, why did He allow this to happen??  Why couldn't I go too??  I guess I have something to do here but I can't even begin to know what it would be.  All I do is go to work and then lay around my house and mope.

 

Well...welcome to this forum.  It will be a big help even though right now I'm being a downer.  Hang in there...

 

Judy

[andrevz]

Yes, she is really gone forever, something i cant get to grips with either

My wife paseed on 12 Feb 2014 with brain cancer So today it is 1 monthe since my loss, and i remember every moment of it

What a wonderful woman of God, and i remember that she was in Gods throne room a few times before he took her, because of the Gold dust on her hands and neck

The sore is not easy ,but im trying to work thro it, being without her every day

[Danah]

I am also haunted everyday of Not being able to save my Dave

[lonesomemike]

i know how everybody feels. I wish I could have done more for my wife. She had her head turned towards me before she died and I could read her mind saying help me and I couldn't. I wonder what could I have done to help her. I miss her so very much.

[Kntuckyrain]

I just lost my Dad recently. I sympathize with the trying. To save them and you couldn't. I feel in my heart you all did everything you could. We will all question if we did enough forever....

[lost'n'broken]

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering what we are here. It is so painful and hard for each one of us. I lost my husband of 23 yrs. I was 17 when I married him. We had 2 babies together and when he passed they were 6 and 16 mths and we had to witness him pass through a slow horrible death when a blood clot shot to his lungs and suffocated him very slowly. He was the most amazing man, husband and father and it tortured my son and I to fight through the initial healing process. He was suddenly sick and diagnosed with an incurable kidney disease called PKD and 3 weeks later he was gone from the blood clot created by being bed ridden in hospital for 2 wks and not moved at all. Our lives have forever changed and it has been the biggest mountain for us to climb since losing him 1 year and 9 mths ago. I feel your heart ache and all the emotions that come with it. It's very hard to breath after losing someone you love so deeply. Always be greatful for the years you had and know your loved one is with you in your heart and loving you always from afar. I look at my babies every day and it kills me to think that they will not have the privilage of having such a wonderful loving daddy to raise them and be there for them but also that he has had the opportunity stollen from him to be there through there years. But I now realize that had he stayed here, he would have suffered so badly with that disease until it quite likely would have taken him after years of terrible suffering through dialysis and transplant. So I have accepted as best I can that fact and that our God saved him from that suffering and us having to watch him suffer for a very long time. But it will never stop hurting or making us angry he was one that this had to happen too.

 

[HeyJude]

My husband's family has the PKD gene.  Not all that long ago we found out that my mother has PKD as well.  She is 85 and no symptoms.  On my husbands side there were many kidney transplants and they were very successful.  My husband had a kidney transplant in 2003.  The only cure is transplant.  Several years ago my husband lost both of his own kidneys he was born with. That was horrible.  He was in so much pain from the cysts rupturing.  Then he just had the transplanted kidney and it worked great all the way up to the time he died.  He died from something completely different than PKD and heart disease.  But I totally know what your talking about.  Dialysis is horrible. I'd hate to have to do that for years while waiting for a kidney.